Hey everybody, I’m back! Did you miss me? You know what? It doesn’t really matter because this week we’ve actually got some legit flicks to discuss. Besides Magic Mike, there’s that President-killing-vampires movie we all decided to wait for DVD to watch, a film set during the end of the world, that doc about the Dane that looked really insane, and even some full-frontal female nudity. There’s films with Seth Rogen, Steve Carell, Tyler Perry, and Bryan Cranston. There’s movies about writers and real estate agents, and match-making dogs. There’s even two flicks about deaf people, but you didn’t hear it from me. Well, you did, but it was a joke, see. Yeah, you’re all glad I’m back.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World
Take This Waltz
Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection
The Ambassador (Also available for streaming)
Fear And Desire
Wrong Turn 5: Bloodlines
The Invisible War
Gabe The Cupid Dog
I Am Bish
Want to know which one is a Dove Foundation-approved film about a talking dog? Continue reading. Want to know which one is the fifth installment in a series of films? Continue reading. Want to know which president is killing all those vampires? Continue reading. Are you insulted by my estimation of your intelligence? Skip on over to the Netflix suggestions by clickingMagic Mike
When it was first announced that Oscar-winning director Steven Soderbergh would be helming the Channing Tatum-starring male stripper movie inspired by Tatum’s own days as a male stripper, I didn’t really believe it. Soderbergh does his share of odd projects, but a stripper movie about/starring that guy from G.I. Joe who burned his dick off? It would either be the greatest or the worst film in history. Strangely enough, it ended up being one of the greatest; Vince’s review gave the film an ‘A-‘ (The best film of the Summer! – Vince Mancini), and Burnsy named it one of his favorite films of the year. It’s worth mentioning that those two fine gentlemen rarely see eye-to-cinematic-eye; Vince hates everything and Burnsy has no taste. The point is, they both really liked it, and therefore it’s probably really good. Plus, it’s now on DVD (obviously) so everyone who was too chickensh*t to be seen buying a ticket can watch it in the privacy of their own home. Better still, the DVD comes with an Ultraviolet digital copy, so you don’t ever have to be without Channing Tatum and his sweet sweet abs. The bad news? There’s no commentary track. Probably just as well, I hate trying to listen to some guy talk while I’m
jacking off watching a movie.
Remember when this was supposed to be one of this summer’s big blockbuster hits? Remember when it tanked? Remember when Burnsy wrote that he wanted to see it? Remember when in the previous paragraph I said that he had no tatse? (I kid, Ashley, I kid.) Hollywood tried cramming this down our throats, and we weren’t having it. Good for us! That being said, given the right expectations, I will concede that this might make for a fun rental to watch while getting drunk. In fact, I’ve even heard from a few people that this film is actually kind of good. The problem is that each and every one of these people adds on the same caveat: It’s a good movie, as long as you don’t care about historical accuracy. That about sums it up, I think. It’s got ‘Vampire Hunter’ in the title; I don’t think a ‘these events, while portraying actual persons, are not historically factual’ is really necessary, and given that these mouth-breathers championing the film think that it is, leads me back to my initial suspicion that the movie is crap. To be honest, I can’t decide if these people are idiots, or if they just think I am. I suppose it comes with the territory when discussing films with the other dudes at the methadone clinic.
This is that flick where Steve Carell and Keira Knightley hang out while awaiting the end of the world. Or something like that. This one kind of fell through the cracks of my cinematic awareness, to be honest. Thankfully, Vince once again covers my ass by providing me with a review that I can easily read and paraphrase. In short, Vince really liked the first half hour of this flick, but that beyond that the film veered away from his expectations (not that any film need adhere to expectations) and as a result, he didn’t really like the rest of the movie. He goes on to list the various ways the film irked him (under-using comedic ringers like Patton Oswalt, for one example) and in general he writes a pretty negative review. Then, demonstrating his point about letting go of one’s expectations by messing with my expectations for the review, Vince awarded the film a pretty solid ‘B’ rating. So is it good or is it bad? F*ck if I know.
Unlike Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World, I have seen Take This Waltz, and you know what? I still can’t tell you if it was good or bad. I will say that it didn’t bore me, which is actually pretty strong praise for a film about a quirky Canadian chick, her cookbook writing husband, and her affair with their neighbor from across the street –a guy who pulls a rickshaw around for a living. The problem (or is it a benefit?) is that the film doesn’t really pass judgment on any of the characters; the husband (a fairly non-Seth Rogeny Seth Rogen) doesn’t deserve to be cheated on, so you don’t really identify with Michelle Williams, but at the same time she isn’t so unlikeable herself that you actively hate her. As for the rickshaw guy, well, he did pull them for free on their anniversary, so he’s probably an OK dude. I honestly can’t say what I thought of this movie. Just as in real life, I generally don’t give a f*ck about other people’s relationships. So why wasn’t I bored, you might ask? Because this is that movie in which Sarah Silverman goes full frontal. So does Michelle Williams, by the way. And approximately four other women. All together. At the same time. Plus there is a sex-montage comprised of Williams getting fairly creative with sexual positions. I’m sure my take on the film is precisely what director Sarah Polley had hoped for.
When I first heard that Tyler Perry would be playing Alex Cross in Alex Cross, I hoped that it would become a big hit so that we would be rid of these awful Madea films. As I’m sure you know, Alex Cross came out last Friday, and it didn’t do well at all. (If you haven’t already, read Laremy’s ‘F’ review.) So, it seems we’re stuck with the Madea franchise for the time being, a truth that makes me very sad. Mind you, I haven’t seen any Madea films, nor do I intend to, but he cranks these f*ckers out like once a month, and I’m running out of sh*tty things to say about them upon their inevitable DVD releases. By the way, the actual title is ‘Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Witness Protection’. Are there people out there making knock-off films? Are there confused film-goers? “Wait, wait wait, this isn’t Martin Scorsese’s Madea’s African Safari, is it? Because I won’t watch that sh*t!” For the record, I would totally watch that sh*t.