The Dark Knight Rises is out today on DVD and Blu-ray and nothing else matters. Still, I know most (all?) of you have seen it and might want to know what else has come out today, so I’m back, providing you with all you need to know when you ultimately decide to just watch Batman again anyway. Other flicks you won’t actually be watching this week include new films from Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, Hugh Jackman, and two films with Jennifer Garner. We’ve got movies that will make you laugh (if Meryl Streep trying to fellate a banana is funny to you), movies that will make you cry (if you are a little kid) and Beasts Of The Southern Wild, a critical-darling that Vince wasn’t very fond of. There are films about butter and psycho Santas and professional athletes who believe in magic. There’s super elves, some spooky VHS tapes, and even a Christmas movie with a talking dog!
The Dark Knight Rises
The Odd Life Of Timothy Green
Beasts Of The Southern Wild
Last Ounce Of Courage
A Vampire’s Tale
The Magic Of Christmas II
Streaming: Check out your choices here.
One of these flicks stars a dude from Jackass as a superhero. The only way to find out which one it is is to continue reading. Another one of these movies has vampires in it. You might assume it’s A Vampire’s Tale, but you can’t be sure unless you continue reading. If you want to know which film makes little kids cry -you guessed it, continue reading. If you want to make me cry, just skip all the DVDs and go right to the Netflix streaming suggestions. There’s a link right above this paragraph, if that’s how you want to handle things. For my money (literally), you’d be much better off just clicking the ‘Continue Reading’ link that’s just below this paragraph. You’d get to the streaming suggestions eventually, and there’s no reason to rush.
While certainly the best movie hitting DVD this week, the latest Batman flick is also the film about which I have the least to say. You’ve seen it, I’ve seen it, and we’ll probably all see it again. I liked it a lot, other people not so much. (I still haven’t seen The Avengers, though.) Anyhow, here are some of this week’s other less well-known and less noteworthy new DVDs: Wild Horse, Wild Ride –this documentary is about 100 people competing to tame wild horses in only 100 days. To clarify, each person gets one horse and 100 days, it’s not like they are all just thrown in to a big arena with wild horses and they have 100 days to collectively get their sh*t together. Just so, it isn’t like each person gets one horse and one day for a cumulative total of 100 horses and days. I just didn’t want anyone reading this to get the impression that this film looks at all worth watching. The Dog Who Saved The Holidays –this TV movie is yet another dog-centric Christmas flick, and a third sequel, to boot. Who could forget 2009’s The Dog Who Saved Christmas, 2010’s The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation, or 2011’s The Dog Who Saved Halloween? If you were wondering, yes, Dean Cain is back as Ted Stein. Fred 3: Camp Fred –If you don’t know who or what Fred is, you are a happier man than I. Or more to the point, you have nieces and nephews with better taste than I. The Whale –Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds executive produced this boring documentary about a whale, which Reynolds narrates. They used to be married, but now they aren’t. That’s how bad this movie is: it actually ends marriages. The Day I Saw Your Heart –The French chick with the movie theater in Inglourious Basterds stars in this French flick about French people. Despite the title, this film is not about heart surgeons. Lorenzo & Monica –an African-American couple go on a crime spree robbing stores in the hopes of becoming rich and famous. Because that’s how black people become rich and famous. A Pornstar Is Born –NOBODY WANTS TO SEE PORN STARS TRY TO ACT, EVEN IF THEY ARE PLAYING PORN STARS IN A SEMI-FICTIONALIZED STORY ABOUT THEIR REAL EXPERIENCES. WHY IS THIS SUCH A TOUGH CONCEPT FOR PORN STARS TO UNDERSTAND? Ron Jeremy appears because of course he does.
When I saw that this movie was hitting DVD today, I realized that -while I had definitely heard of it- I could recall exactly nothing about it. So I pulled up the trailer and began to watch. Here’s what I found out: Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones star in this rom-com-drama (cromedy?) about an older married couple trying to rekindle the romantic spark in their marriage. Steve Carell plays their couples’ therapist and Elisabeth Shue appears as an actress whose career has seen better days. It’s from the same director as The Devil Wears Prada. I was all set to make some lame and easy joke about this being tailor-made for FilmDrunkards and then they featured corgis in the trailer, and I realized I wouldn’t be joking.
Remember this one? This is that film that started out as Black List script that uses a town’s butter-sculpting contest as an allegory for the 2008 Democratic Primaries. Still don’t remember? That might be because it only played on 90 screens (always a sign of quality). It stars Jennifer Garner, Ty Burrell, Ashley Greene, Hugh Jackman, Alicia Silverstone, Olivia Wilde, Kristen Schall, and Rob Corddry. You still don’t remember? I know how to get you to remember this movie: this is the one with Olivia Wilde performing a strip-tease for the dad from Modern Family. Now you remember.