My best friend (category: crystalline mineral) Morton Salt is away on vacation this week, so I said, “Sure, I’ll step in and see what’s out on the ol’ DVD and Blu-Ray this week.” And if you’ve been complaining that you haven’t had much time to shave your back or teach your toddlers how to box, then you’re in luck, because there’s not much worth watching this week.
At least not an awesome movie about Chris Kattan playing twin brothers, one running an insane asylum and the other being a patient. How the hell do I miss out on the classics?
Anyway, here are your non-Kattan DVD releases for this week:
Any Day Now
The Central Park Five
Cloned: The Recreator Chronicles
As for your streaming choices, I only recommend 50 Cent’s Gun on Netflix. Watch it this week so you’ll be up to speed with my next installment of Netflix Instant Theater, so I can close the book on Cheetah Vision’s great trilogy and immediately check myself into Chris Kattan’s mental hospital for recovery.
Now let’s get synopsisizing!
Gangster Squad (2013)
Starring: Sean Penn, Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone
Synopsis: Los Angeles, 1949. Ruthless, Brooklyn-born mob king Mickey Cohen (Sean Penn) runs the show in this town, reaping the ill-gotten gains from the drugs, the guns, the prostitutes and-if he has his way-every wire bet placed west of Chicago. And he does it all with the protection of not only his own paid goons, but also the police and the politicians who are under his control. It’s enough to intimidate even the bravest, street-hardened cop…except, perhaps, for the small, secret crew of LAPD outsiders led by Sgt. John O’Mara (Josh Brolin) and Jerry Wooters (Ryan Gosling), who come together to try to tear Cohen’s world apart.
Should You Watch It? I didn’t hate it. I mean, it’s no Monster Squad.
Any Day Now (2012)
Starring: Alan Cumming, Garret Dillahunt
Synopsis: Inspired by a true story and touching on legal and social issues that are more relevant now than ever, ANY DAY NOW tells a story of love, acceptance, and creating your own family. In the late 1970s, when Marco (Isaac Leyva), a teenager with down syndrome who’s been abandoned by his mother, is taken in by committed couple Rudy (Alan Cumming) and Paul (Garret Dillahunt), he finds in them the family he’s never had. However, when their unconventional living arrangement is discovered by the authorities, Rudy and Paul must fight a biased legal system to adopt the child they have come to love as their own.
Should You Watch It? Yes, because I’m afraid to make a joke about a movie that sounds this serious.
The Central Park Five (2012)
Synopsis: In 1989, five black and Latino teenagers were arrested and charged for brutally attacking and raping a white female jogger in Central Park. News media swarmed the case, calling it “the crime of the century.” But the truth about what really happened didn’t become clear until after the five had spent years in prison for a crime they didn’t commit. With THE CENTRAL PARK FIVE, this story of injustice finally gets the telling it deserves. Based on Sarah Burns’ best-selling book and co-directed by her husband David McMahon and father, the beloved doc filmmaker Ken Burns, this incendiary film tells the riveting tale of innocent young men scapegoated for a heinous crime, and serves as a mirror for our times.
Should You Watch It? Sure, should make us all feel great about life.
Promised Land (2012)
Starring: Matt Damon, John Krasinski, Dave Eggers
Synopsis: Promised Land is the new contemporary drama directed by Gus Van Sant (Good Will Hunting, Milk). Matt Damon plays Steve Butler, an ace corporate salesman who is sent along with his partner, Sue Thomason (Frances McDormand), to close a key rural town in his company’s expansion plans. With the town having been hit hard by the economic decline of recent years, the two outsiders see the local citizens as likely to accept their company’s offer, for drilling rights to their properties, as much-needed relief. What seems like an easy job for the duo becomes complicated by the objection of a respected schoolteacher (Hal Holbrook) with support from a grassroots campaign led by another man (John Krasinski), as well as the interest of a local woman (Rosemarie DeWitt). Promised Land explores America at the crossroads where big business and the strength of small-town community converge.
Should You Watch It? I guess, but it’s not the 2004 film Promised Land that stars Rosamund Pike, and that’s unfortunate because she is wonderful and should be in every film.
The Impossible (2012)
Starring: Naomi Watts, Ewan McGregor, Tom Holland
Synopsis: Maria, Henry and their three sons begin their winter vacation in Thailand, looking forward to a few days in tropical paradise. But on the morning of December 26th, as the family relaxes around the pool after their Christmas festivities the night before, a terrifying roar rises up from the center of the earth. As Maria freezes in fear, a huge wall of black water races across the hotel grounds toward her.
Should You Watch It? Why not, we’re not even half way done making ourselves feel terrible about everything.
Starring: Nikki Reed, Ray Liotta, Forest Whitaker, Michael Chiklis
Synopsis: An all-night diner. A cop walks in on a robbery in progress. But what happens next – and what happened just before – will change everything you think you know. Now the building is surrounded. There are fingers on every trigger. And one very intense hostage situation is about to take some extremely shocking twists.
Should You Watch It? Either watch it now, or I have a feeling we’ll talk about it eventually in a Netflix Instant Theater post.
Starring: Silje Reinåmo, Erlend Nervold
Synopsis: Two crime-scene cleaners discover a mythical, tailed female creature in a concealed cellar. She never utters a word, unable to tell her story, but the pieces of the puzzle soon come together: she’s been held captive for decades for reasons soon to surface.
Should You Watch It? Ja. That’s Norwegian for yes. I’m smart.
Wuthering Heights (2012)
Starring: James Howson, Kaya Scodelario, Steve Evets
Synopsis: Andrea Arnold’s Wuthering Heights is an excitingly fresh and distinct take on the classic novel by Emily Brontë. An epic love story that spans childhood well into the young adult years, the film follows Heathcliff, a boy taken in by a benevolent Yorkshire farmer, Earnshaw. Living in Earnshaw’s home, Heathcliff develops a passionate relationship with the farmer’s teenage daughter, Catherine, inspiring the envy and mistrust of his son, Hindley. When Earnshaw passes away, the now-grown characters must finally confront the intense feelings and rivalries that have built up throughout their years together.
Should You Watch It? Sure. Or watch one of the other four versions of this that has already been made. Or read the book. Or just watch old episodes of Heathcliff.
Cloned: The Recreator Chronicles (2012)
Starring: Stella Maeve, Alexander Nifong
Synopsis: While on a camping trip, Tracy, Craig, and Derek (Stella Maeve, Alexander Nifong, and Jamal Mallory-McCree) stumble upon an abandoned laboratory and accidentally trigger a deadly experiment that creates their clones – superior duplicates who plot to kill the kids and take over their identities. Trapped by their captors, the teenagers discover they are no match for their physically stronger, faster, better selves. Their only hope is to unlock the secrets of the Recreator – the scientist behind the experiments – and escape with their lives before they are replaced.
Should You Watch It? It’s really strange how all of the craziest super natural sh*t only happens to teenagers. Keep that in mind while you watch this and fans of Cocoon and Cocoon II wonder when they’ll get Cocoon III and today’s medication.