Senior Editor
02.08.08 86 Comments

That’s right, folks, question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate! Will humans land on Mars?  Is purple the new pink? Would this monkey let me squeeze her tits for a banana?  No one can say for sure, and that means we’re free to speculate wildly! Yee ha!

That may be the strangest headline I’ve ever written. Anyway, rumor has it Rob Zombie is in talks to direct the remake reboot of Conan the Barbarian.

Unlike the Schwartzenegger-filled, camel-punching original, the reboot will supposedly be more faithful to Conan-creator Richard E. Howard’s books.  Thing is, the books, which were first published in the 30s, are basically homoerotic softcore man porn.  For example:

Hither came Conan, the Cimmerian, black-haired, sullen-eyed, sword in hand, a thief, a reaver, a slayer, with gigantic melancholies and gigantic mirth, to tread the jeweled thrones of the Earth under his sandalled feet.

All I’m saying is, I don’t know anyone who uses the word "hither" who doesn’t also like the taste of weiner.  Not that there’s anything wrong with that.  Just seems an odd choice for someone like Rob Zombie who wears platform boots and makeup and big leather things on his wrists and… okay, nevermind actually it makes complete sense.  In fact, "Rob Zombie"?  He might as well be named Bruce Vampire or Serge Werewolf.   

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