‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’: Can Rosie fix Melissa and Teresa?

Yay, it’s another episode about Teresa and Melissa not getting along! This is fresh and new, isn’t it? Although it seems clear to me these two are never, ever going to be friends, much less friendly, that isn’t stopping other people within in “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” universe from checking in, screaming encouragement at high volume, and finally tossing up their hands in disgust. I’m not sure if this is a noble effort or just a stupid one. Of course, it gives everyone something to do, so in that sense Teresa and Melissa are creating a cottage industry on the show. It’s trickle down drama for everyone who might need it.

In this episode, Caroline learns that her best efforts to bring together Teresa and her brother Joe have ended in Teresa tossing a bottle of water on her brother and Joe rubbing his sister’s nose in her crappy marriage. It’s no surprise that when Teresa calls her and wants to kvetch about it that Caroline suggests she’d really rather be out of the loop at this point. Caroline had some potential as the Tony Soprano of the show, in that she has a deep voice and isn’t afraid to use it, but I don’t even think a true mob boss could broker a truce between these these siblings, at least not without breaking kneecaps. 

Still, that doesn’t stop Rosie from getting involved. First, she goes out for drinks with Joe to discuss the fact she hasn’t had sex in six years and, oh yeah, the Teresa issue. Joe seems truly exhausted talking about this again, but Rosie proposes she take an olive branch to Teresa to see what she can do. Rosie is not the first person I would go to to be a negotiator. She might be the first person I’d ask to kill an enemy with her bare hands, or start a bar fight, or kick off a sing-along at a local bar. She is not, however, the most even tempered person. As Teresa points out, the worst that could happen to her in meeting Rosie is she’d be stabbed 100 times. That’s assuming someone took the knife out of Rosie’s hands after the 100th time, but that sounds right to me.

Still, Teresa agrees to meet with Rosie, and somehow the conversation turns into an enormous fight about Teresa’s feud with Kathy. Yes, this again! Rosie, being basically a logical person with a bad temper, wants to know why Teresa accepted Kathy’s apology but clearly didn’t accept it. Teresa needs time to get over it! I think Teresa will never get over it, and I think that as much as Teresa wants everyone to apologize to her it doesn’t matter, but this circular argument eventually ends with Rosie knocking over her drink and weepily talking about how they’re all family, and instead of everyone raising one another up they’re tearing one another down, and some other things that are hard to understand with all the bleeping of bad language. Finally, Teresa says she’d like to go on a “stress relief holistic healing weekend” retreat with Joe, and Rosie suggesting everyone on the show could use it, and voila! The producers’ need for a big group event has magically taken place! Teresa probably doesn’t even remember who gave her the great idea anymore!

I suspect this “stress relief holistic healing weekend” will just be a chance for everyone to scream at one another about everything, but at least they may learn how to use their indoor voices to do it. 

Of course, even though it felt as if the whole episode was about Rosie acting out the exact same scenario as Caroline tackled earlier in the ongoing Teresa-Melissa Battle, it wasn’t. Joe Gorga found out that Teresa wasn’t lying about Melissa tweeting a snarky comment about her bankruptcy, and that was not okay with him. Teresa may be wrong, but she’s still his sister! I think Joe needs to just pick a side that he defends irrationally and stick with it. Given that Melissa can smother him in their bed, I think he should go Team Wife. 

We also see that Kathy and Rich’s relationship is becoming even more miserable, as he keeps trying to “help” her business and Kathy feels he doesn’t respect her decisions. I think Kathy may need a vacation or maybe a fling with the pool boy, because some of her reactions are entirely rational and some of them seem to have everything to do with her being consistently irritated by Rich’s existence. It seems Rich got his midlife crisis Ferrari, so maybe Kathy needs an equivalent, and I don’t think a cannoli business really cuts it. Fetch this woman a drinking problem or a cute young thing, STAT!

In other news, Jacqueline is still struggling with her autistic son, which is sad. What is less sad than weird are Caroline’s kids. Because Al was never around when they were growing up, they now are 1) not eager to get married 2) think fathers should only see their kids once a week and 3) will keep their female children under lock and key until they outgrow the “whore phase.” One of the sons also thinks New Jersey is one of the nicest places in the world, which suggests to me they need to travel more. Nothing against New Jersey, mind you, but I’m not even sure Chris Christie could sell that with a straight face. 

Finally, it was a short moment, but I can’t overlook it — while watching their daughter at soccer practice, Teresa bitches to her husband about her encounter with Joe Gorga. Joe Giudice suggests that the other Joe has a Napoleon complex. I thought these guys were about the same height (basically, small), so I think this is the pot calling the kettle black, but this isn’t the funny part. Teresa claims (I have to hope she’s pretending to be the ditzy chick to appeal to her husband’s fragile, philandering ego) not to know what that is. So, Joe Giudice explains to her who. Napoleon. was. Not very well, mind you, but at least he has a basic idea that Napoleon was a leader and he was short. Teresa nods happily. I suspect she knows full well who Napoleon was and just wanted to keep the conversation afloat, but if she doesn’t? No one let this woman help her kids with her homework, that’s all I’m saying.

Do you think the “stress relief holistic healing retreat” will work? Do you think Kathy and Rich are really in trouble?