Recap: ‘True Blood’ Premiere – ‘She’s Not There’

By our reckoning, “True Blood” has tackled vampires (of course), werewolves (natch), ancient Greek sybarites (props to the research team on that one), brujos (fresh!), shapeshifters (fair enough), fairies (really?), psychic visionaries and well-meaning witches. That means that we have only gelatinous blobs, ancient Egyptian curses and flesh-eating zombies left. I vote for the blobs.

[Full recap of Sunday’s (June 26) “True Blood” premiere after the break…]

As we open this new season, we learn that the mystery brunette in Sookie’s fantasy land is her — no joke — Fairy Godmother. Barry the Bellboy also is in fantasy land, has his own fairy godmother too. Name’s Lloyd; great accessories. Anyway, Barry and Sookie are in a beautiful garden. They are invited by the fairies to dine on light-up fruit, which Barry chomps with abandon. Sookie hesitates, which, of course, can only mean that the light-up fruit is bad news. Just then Sookie spots her grand-dad, who is enjoying a disco fruit of his own. (That’s not a metaphor for anything. Lloyd is a Fairy Godmother, but the disco fruit really is disco fruit. It’s not a euphemism. Yet.)

Pee-Paw is under the impression that only a few days have gone by since he last saw Sookie, so Sookie needs to set him straight and catch him up on everyone who has died.

Oh no! The walls in Fairy Land are getting slimy and a green goblin is lurking among the trays of glow fruit! It’s a trap! A tall fairy emerges from the crowd before Sookie can bail. This is Mab, queen Glow Fruit Country. Mab reminds Sookie that she has inadvertently stirred up fresh danger for the fairies by cavorting with vampires and luring one into the fairy realm.

“Vampires nearly drank us to extinction,” Mab speechifies. “They drove us into this plane.” 

Sookie responds by assuring Mab that she has lost her taste for vampires; she assures everyone that her peccadillos are no threat to Fairy Land or its disco fruit.

Then the queen reveals an Evil Fairy Plan (TM): She and her friends want to harvest humans.

“You’re harvesting people!” Sookie realizes.

Mab then tries to force Sookie to eat a piece of Soylent Green fruit. Sookie fights back, and the facade of fair land fades away. Oh no! Everyone is ugly! They’re not partying in a classy, Venetian-looking garden but, apparently, Joshua Tree National Park — without the color! A fight ensues between Sookie and the ugly fey (weapon of choice: purple lasers) before Sookie and her grandfather can try to make a break for it.

One of the ugly fairies says he can help Sookie. He says he is Mab’s brother, and that Mab’s plan really is to forever seal off the doorway between Glow Fruit Country and Earth. Given Mab’s personality, this seems like a good plan for all involved, but apparently not.

“It was once our world,” the brother says of Earth. “It is our right to travel there.”

Sookie and Pee-Paw return to Bon Temps. The grandfather has a pocket watch with him. He insists that Sookie give it to Jason. But that’s about all he can request, because Pee-Paw has eaten the light-up fruit, so he cannot remain on the mortal plane. He dies, conveniently enough, right next to Gran’s grave.

When Sookie arrives back at her house, or what she thinks is her house, she sees that everything is being packed by movers and retouched by folksy looking handymen. She doesn’t get it, but clearly time is a bit wonky in disco fruit land, because, here in Bon Temps, Sookie has been gone for more than a year. Jason arrives home and hugs her like the dickens.

Bombshell: Jason has, um, kind of sold the house. That’s the bad news. But he officially works full time for the sheriff now and has a uniform and everything! Hey, that’s great!

We also learn that a strange real estate company has purchased the house; it’s not immediately clear whether the company is made up of flesh-eating zombies or blobs. Sookie tries to explain that she went to fairy land and that’s why she was gone for so long. She produces Pee-Paw’s pocket watch, which totally blows Jason’s mind.

“Time stands still there and no one knows it,” Sookie insists.

It’s sunset, so Bill shows up running like Buster Keaton in an overcranked short movie from the 1920s. Bill has been “so empty” for 12 months, and he pours on the broodiness, but then — Hi, Eric Northman! You’re looking fine, I must say. Eric says he’s the only one who never gave up on Sookie. Even Bill gave up on Sookie, so there.

Now Andy Bellefleur arrives, ready to file a kidnapping complaint against whatever varmint what took Sookie. Apparently, Bill has been living under a cloud of suspicion connected with Sookie’s disappearance. Sookie insists that no one is to blame, and Bill steps in to tell a white lie: Sookie was gone on, um, vampire business.

Sookie tells Bill that she’s still smarting over the way Bill broke her heart, and, even though he ran all the way over there and everything, he takes his leave.

As for Bellefleur, looks like he’s been dipping into vampire blood in his spare time. Jason is not pleased.

Lafayette and his bruja BF arrive at a place called the Moon Goddess Emporium. Jesus really wants Lafayette to meet the nice witches there. Lafayette isn’t too keen, because he prefers to live magic-free, but he loves Jesus, so he plays along.  

“Smells like where old air fresheners go to die,” Lafayette says of the presumably incense-filled shop. (The set decorator also has been busy buying up every candle in Louisiana.)

Holly the white witch waitress is there to greet them, as is a very enthusiastic witch named Katie and a very, very enthusiastic cohort who goes by Marnie. Marnie is “fishing” in another plane at the moment and can’t talk, but we’re told she’s a fantastic witch.

Marnie spots the boys and beckons with her fantastic witch hand. Then Marnie begins to speak to Lafayette on behalf of Eddie, the late vampire.  Eddie has an invisible rose for Lafayette, and a message: “They drained me, Lafayette, but it’s OK. It was a worth it.”

Now let’s take a peek into Casa de Terry Bellefleur. Oh, hey, little fella! Looks like Arlene’s demon baby has arrived, and he’s a beaut. Mikey is already sitting up and decapitating Barbie dolls, the little scamp.

As for Tara, she and her anger problem have made their way to New Orleans. She is a cage match fighter, a prize champ, in fact, and she seems to love it.

As for Jessica, she and Hoyt appeared to have settled in nicely — or perhaps not. Hoyt comes home hungry after a long day slinging asphalt only to learn that the pots are cold. Jessica, after all, does not eat, ergo, according to her logic, she should not cook.

“Going to the Piggly Wiggly for me is like going to the morgue for you,” Jessica says. She then has a mini-meltdown over a dozen undercooked eggs before they laugh and make up.

Pam, meantime, still runs Fangtasia, much to the chagrin of Nan, the head of the American Vampire League, who has hired Eric’s voracious sidekick to film a PSA. The PSA is supposed to smooth things over between the human and vampire communities.  But Pam just comes off like she wants to eat every person she sees, so Eric steps in. He nails it, and with hotness to spare.

Lo, what is this? It appears that Vampire Bill also has gotten active in local politics. He ushers in a community center while Eric is killing it in front of the camera. It’s all very intriguing, sort of like when hold the phone Tarahasagirlfriend.

Tara and Naomi, for that is her name, are making out right now behind the fight venue when a drunk comes up and disrespects their dignity. They threaten to beat him up but just take his money instead. One other detail: Naomi calls her lady Toni.

Sookie and Sam meet up at Merlotte’s. Sam is bitter at the way Sookie just up and vanished into fairy land like that. But back in the kitchen, the tension is even higher. Lafayette tells his bruja he ain’t ready for no witch cult, but before they can get into it, Andy storms in. Sheriff’s business! Andy needs help with an undercover sting operation, he says, involving, um, vampire blood. Andy is jonesin’ bad. Lafayette is lucky that Jason steps in just then. 

Tommy Merlotte limps in next with a bum leg, accompanied by Hoyt’s maw. The two of them say grace real loud, getting the attention of Sam. They needle each other for a bit longer, which should lead to hold on a second: Tara and Naomi are making out again. But it’s hotness interruptus when Lafayette texts to say that Sookie is alive. Tara lies and says that her grand-dad died, but she’s not going anywhere.

Attorney Portia Bellefleur is meeting with Sookie to discuss the sale of Mee-Maw’s old homestead. Portia agrees to help Sookie get her house back from the mystery buyers, but her thoughts tell another story: Portia really thinks Sookie is a dirty little fang banger.

Hoyt takes Jessica out to Fangtasia, where her dirty dancin’ style quickly attracts the attention of a random hot guy. Jessica and the guy — a fang banger himself — have some eerie connection of the supernatural variety, but Jessica blows him off and does her best to dance with the man what brought her. Jessica runs to the bathroom to get her act together, but Pam heads her off. Pam reminds Jessica that she’s a vampire, and needs to be doing more killing and shagging, but Jessica will have none of it.

Sam Merlotte is at a dinner party with three mysterious beautiful people who are all shape-shifters. One is named Luna. They all get naked and turn into horses and run free through the nature.

Jason brings food to the poor urchins of Sure Shot, who still have a love for raw meat. Crystal is MIA, we learn, which means Jason is alone, which is bad, because the Sure Shot kids clock him over the head and lock him in a freezer.

At the next witch coven, Marnie is mourning her dead budgie, Minerva. Lafayette rolls his eyes while they all pray over poor Minerva — up until the part where Marnie briefly brings the bird back to life. Even Holly is freaked out by this unexpected turn of events. And speaking of unexpected turn of events, the cute witch Katie is not what she seems. She’s still a witch, apparently, but she’s also a witch who hangs out with vampires — specifically Vampire Bill, who now goes by the title “Your Majesty.”

Sookie has just gotten out of the shower, which means something is about to happen, and it does. Eric shows up in all his resplendent hotness, and he makes a big announcement: He owns Sookie’s house. By his logic, that means he also owns Sookie.

Now, if Eric Northman showed up at our house and said he owned us, this would be good news. For Sookie, apparently, it isn’t.

Or is it? We’ll have to wait for next week to find out.

What’d you think of the premiere?