Happy Emmy Night, Boys & Girls.
For 364 days out of the year, TV cowers in the shadow of feature films even though we all know that TV is better. But on one night, Emmy night, the biggest stars in television get to get together and honor the year’s best… movie stars who deigned to do TV.
I kid.
But let’s all sit down and count the minutes till Kate Winslet moves herself one step closer to EGOT.
Full Emmys live-blog after the break…
7:58 p.m. ET Larry Fishburne and Gina Torres are a good-looking couple. And “X Factor” host Steve Jones is a handsome man.
8 p.m. Emmy time! Christina Hendricks has put on her glasses. She’s brainy.
8:00 p.m. Leonard Nimoy and Jane Lynch! Together. Nimoy is the President of Television. He thinks Lynch is perfect to host because, “To men, you’re woman-ish, to women, you’re man-ish.” This introduces a musical number. “Jane, they hardly let you sing on ‘Glee,'” Nimoy warns her, before offering her Auto-Tune. “Don’t worry. I’m lip-synching,” Lynch cracks. And, indeed… She does.
8:02 p.m. “Entourage” reference with Jeremy Piven and Rex Lee. Kevin Nealon! McSteamy! The stars of “The Big Bang Theory.” Apparently all of television is in one building.
8:04 p.m. Marcel from “Top Chef”? The “MythBusters” guys! Briston Palin in a Monkey Suit! RON F-ING SWANSON! The “Mad Men” people. And Don Draper calls Jane Lynch “sweetheart.” Jane Lynch educates the “Mad Men” gang on the finer points of gay marriage and DVRing TV. LANDRY! VINCE! SARACEN!
8:06 p.m. Oooh. Meta. Jane Lynch walks in on a Sue Sylvester speech, with Sue calling TV “a vast wasteland where good ideas go to die and mediocre ideas make zillions.” I think she’s referring to “Glee.”
8:07 p.m. And now we’re live-ish, with a full-scale song and dance number. I’m only paying attention to trying to recognize the “So You Think You Can Dance” veterans in the background. She gets a well-deserved standing ovation and Lea Michele looks positively chuffed for her “Glee” co-star.
8:08 p.m. Jane Lynch is “of nodding acquaintance” with many people in the audience, though she’s never nodded at Martin Scorsese before. “She’s the reason we start the show at 5 p.m.” Lynch says of Betty White. Then she makes a joke about Kate Holmes being in the audience and being afraid of her husband. There’s no cutaway. Heh.
8:10 p.m. The Emmytones are Zachary Levi, Cobie Smulders, Taraji P. Henson and more celebs. They’re singing. It’s funny.
8:11 p.m. Time for a tribute to the year’s best comedy moments. Among the random shows making the clip cut? “Happy Endings,” “Psych” and lots of “Raising Hope.”
8:12 p.m. Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel share the stage for the night’s first presentation. What’s wrong with the sound? It seems like the have their mics in their pockets. They have a fist-fight over Fallon’s potential acceptance speech, which Kimmel reads to the crowd.
8:14 p.m. They’re leading with Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy, also known as Jane Lynch’s category. They want to get the happiness or grumpiness out of the way early… The Emmy goes to… Julie Bowen. Sepinwall won’t be pleased. I’m perfectly happy for The Lovely Ms. Bowen. “Oh my God. Are you kidding me… I don’t know what I’m going to talk about in therapy next week now,” Bowen says. She starts by praising the writers, as you do. She promises lots of gift baskets and thanks her two husbands: Ty Burrell and real husband Scott Phillips.
8:17 p.m. “I’m Julianna Margulies, otherwise known as the funniest woman on television,” says the “Good Wife” nominee, appropriately mumbling a punchline about all of the “Modern Family” actors up for Supporting Actor. The winner here is… Ty Burrell for “Modern Family.” Emmy voters like “Modern Family,” y’all. And apparently they like the Dunphys in particular. Burrell’s speech is heart-felt and touching, talking about his late father. Burrell does a terrific job of mentioning all of his “Modern Family” co-stars. Ty Burrell’s totally gonna make me cry. GREAT speech.
8:24 p.m. It’s not gonna get better than Burrell’s speech tonight. That was classy, funny and heart-felt in all of the right ways.
8:25 p.m. First costume change for Jane Lynch. She revisits her red carpet comments about there being no winners or losers and observes, “There are losers and I am one. It doesn’t feel good.”
8:26 p.m. “Sorry I can’t be there live, in person. Not allowed,” Gervais says, joking about the Golden Globes. He jokes that he’s been told that if he says anything rude and controversial, the Emmy producers will cut him. There’s a running joke about Gervais being censored. It’s only moderately funny.
8:27 p.m. Up next is Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series. The winner is… “Somebody didn’t get enough love from mommy and somehow it’s Hollywood’s fault,” Lynch cracks about Gervais. The winner is Michael Spiller for “Modern Family.” I’m now 0-3 in my predictions. Oh and guess what, y’all? “Modern Family” just may win for Outstanding Comedy Series.
8:30 p.m. Will Arnett and Zooey Deschanel are presenting the Comedy Writing Emmy. They’re cute together, but the bit is only “Middling” on the comedy scale. Zooey should have just batted her eyelashes. Anyway, the winner is… Steven Levitan and Jeffrey Richman of “Modern Family.” Hmmm… My predictions ARE 0-4 now. Steve Levitan jokes about how the episode — “Caught in the Act” — was based on his children walking in on he and his wife mid-intimacy. Levitan’s wife gets a funny cut-away. Richman does a good job of running through the names of the other writers on the staff.
8:35 p.m. Yo, cast of “Modern Family.” I know y’all are all “All for one and one for all” with the “Everybody submits as supporting” thing, but next year? Maybe a couple people should submit as Lead? After all, those are two Emmys you’d apparently be a lock to win. So next year? Nolan Gould submits for Lead Actor, eh?
8:39 p.m. “Welcoming back to the ‘Modern Family’ awards. We decided to throw them into the Drama category just to see what happens,” Lynch says. PLEASE let this become her Jack Palance.
8:40 p.m. Charlie Sheen. Applause somewhat muted. He has words for the people behind “Two and a Half Men” – “From the bottom of my heart, I wish you nothing but the best for this upcoming season. We spent 8 wonderful years together and I know you will continue to make great television.” Ummm… What the **** did that have to do with the Emmys.
8:42 p.m. The Lead Actor in a Comedy Series Emmy goes to… Jim Parsons. Wow. Steve Carell goes home Emmy-less for “The Office.” BOO. “I was assured by many people in my life that this wasn’t happening,” Parsons says, beginning his second straight speech. Wow. Is Johnny Galecki with Kelli Garner? Way to out-kick your coverage, dawg.
8:44 p.m. Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara are very pretty people. They make jokes about Sofia’s accent. Sigh. LAZY.
8:44 p.m. They read the nominees for Lead Actress in a Comedy and when they get to Amy Poehler’s name, she comes up on stage. And Melissa McCarthy comes up on stage. This is AWESOME. And Martha Plimpton comes up on stage. Edie Falco comes up on stage. Tina Fey kisses Jack McBrayer and comes up on stage. I have no idea if this is planned, but it’s fantastic. Laura Linney is last to come up on stage. Absolutely fabulous.
8:46 p.m. Standing ovation for Lead Actress in a Comedy. That was a moment. The winner is… Melissa McCarthy. Wow. Anybody else suspecting they’re going to be able to put together a really good Oscar campaign for her for “Bridesmaids”? Because I’m thinking McCarthy could get a nod. People like her. She gets a crown and roses. Sadly, that proves that this moment wasn’t unplanned. “Wow. It’s my first and best pageant ever,” McCarthy says. “Holy Smokes,” a flustered and surprised McCarthy says.
8:54 p.m. There are new employees at Dunder-Mifflin in a lengthy filmed bit. They include Aziz Ansari, John Slatter, Tracy Morgan and… AARON PAUL, making a meth drop to Creed. Mariska Hargitay! Nathan Fillion! Amy Poehler! Kim Kardashian! Jim Parson! Some guy who isn’t Jason Momoa! Cee-Lo! And the new manager is…Ashton Kutcher. There’s almost no applause/laughter from the audience. Turns out Ashton went to the wrong set. “I was wondering where the half-man was,” Kutcher says.
8:57 p.m. On to reality/variety. “Modern Family” will not win this category. Also, because Sepinwall and I didn’t predict in this category, I can’t get anymore winners wrong!
9:000 p.m. Jane Lynch makes a semi-funny joke about her gay agenda and introduces Kaley Cuoco, towering over David Spade. Last year, “Top Chef” ended the “Amazing Race” grasp on this category, but this season’s Outstanding Reality Competition Program goes to… “The Amazing Race.” Oh well. Back to Emmy boredom. It was fun last year when Emmy voters spread the wealth a little. I think “Top Chef: All-Stars” should have been enough for a repeat win.
9:01 p.m. Up next? Writing for Variety, Music or Comedy series. This is always a standout, because they have funny presentations. “The Colbert Report” has all of the writers yell their names. “Saturday Night Live” has all of the writers with Justin Timberlake pictures. Jimmy Fallon’s writers are all adorable PUPPIES. The “Daily Show” writers are all on the cover of Newsweek making Michele Bachman faces. Conan only reads his own name. The winner is… “The Daily Show.” Again. This is their seventh win in this category.
9:12 p.m. Oooh. A performance by Lonely Island and… Michael Bolton. I’d been dreading the teased musical number, but Michael Bolton’s off-kilter mustache makes this bloated silliness worth the effort. Alas, Lady Gaga was unavailable for “Three Way,” so we’re treated to Maya Rudolph, who’s talented enough as a substitute. It’s a decent enough way to kill time the telecast doesn’t have.
9:15 p.m. Lea Michele and Ian Somerhalder. Nice. Somebody let somebody from The CW on the Emmy stage. After a dismal bit, it’s unlikely to ever happen again.
9:17 p.m. The Emmy for Directing for Variety, Comedy and Stuff goes to Don Roy King for “Saturday Night Live.” It’s a bit surprising this particular award is still in primetime. Three cheers for The DGA!
9:18 p.m. ZOMG. It’s Golden Globe nominee Scott Caan and Golden Globe winner Anna Paquin. Caan jokes about how “The Daily Show” has won Outstanding Variety, Comedy and Stuff Series eight straight years. And this year’s winner is… “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.” Sigh. This is why Golden Globe nominee Scott Caan can’t have nice things. He ruins them. “If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara would make very nice children,” Stewart says. He’s fairly humble about the excellence of the competition in this category.
9:26 p.m. The Emmytones tell me that it’s time for Drama, so I can get back to missing predictions. YAY!
9:28 p.m. Drama montage places for “Hawaii Five-0,” “Detroit 187” and “White Collar.”
9:29 p.m. Because tomorrow night’s “Two and a Half Men” premiere hasn’t been pimped enough, it’s Jon Cryer and Ashton Kutcher. Crap. I’m probably going to get this category right. It’s Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series. WOW. Jason Katims for “Friday Night Lights.” That’s another miss for me in the prediction-department, but YAY! So very well-deserved. Yes, “The Suitcase” *should* have won, but this makes me extremely happy.
9:31 p.m. Next? Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series. This is one where I REALLY want to get it right, since Margo Martindale is wicked deserving. And the winner is… Margo Martindale. YAY! This couldn’t possibly be more warranted. Margo has difficulty getting up the steps. “Sometimes things just take time, but with time comes great appreciation,” Martindale says. I’m getting a bit misty with her. She spoils the end of the second season of “Justified.” Oh well. Shout-outs on-stage to John Solberg, one of my favorite publicity people, and Robert Bianco of USA Today. Nice.
9:40 p.m. Loretta Devine and Paul McCrane won last weekend for Guest Actor/Actress in a Drama. They’re presenting for Outstanding Directing for a Dramatic Series. The winner is… Martin Scorsese. This is his first Emmy win after eight nominations. And it’s my second consecutive correct prediction. Sigh. Wait. You give Martin Scorsese the “Wrap Up” sign? Screw that. Don’t they know that he’s a MOVIE person? In the end, the band lets him finish. Nobody’s been played off tonight, right?
9:43 p.m. Kerry Washington and Jason O’Mara both have new shows. They’re wasting time on a really unfunny bit about “side effects” to an Emmy win. They’re presenting Supporting Actor in a Drama Series. I went out on a pointless limb on this one with my prediction. And the winner is… Peter Dinklage. YAY! Oh, that’s a good, good win. I’m darned happy with that. They lower the microphone for him. “Wow. I followed Martin Scorsese,” Dinklage says. He thanks the usual people. He also thanks his dogsitter Kitty for taking care of his dog Kevin. Awww.
9:52 p.m. No. Stop. No. Not funny. Not funny Jersey thing.
9:53 p.m. That was horrible.
9:53 p.m. Katie Holmes and Bryan Cranston aren’t necessarily a logical presenting partnership. They’re presenting Lead Actress in a Drama Series. The winner is… Julianna Margulies. I guess I got this one right. Poor Elisabeth Moss, though. Anyway, Margulies is sincere and emotional.
9:56 p.m. Drew Barrymore and the boring stars of the boring “Charlie’s Angels” are presenting Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama. THAT’S WHAT THE MONEY’S FOR. The winner is… Kyle Chandler. Wow. Jon Hamm is a gracious and good-looking loser. “Wow,” Chandler says. That’s what I said! He’s awesomely earnest and this is an award he absolutely, totally deserves. We’re on a really good streak here, right?
10:04 p.m. You’d be hard-pressed to predict the Drama Series winner, right? “Man Men” hasn’t won a thing tonight. And “Boardwalk” has lost a couple categories people predicted it would win. Is there any chance “FNL” actually wins? That would be madness!
10:05 p.m. LL Cool J joins the Emmytunes for a Movies & Miniseries rap.
10:07 p.m. “A lot of people are very curious about why I’m a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen… the cast of ‘Entourage,'” Lynch says. Now THAT was funny. They’re presenting Outstanding Writing for a Movie or Miniseries. [Go Julian Fellowes!] The winner is… Julian Fellowes. HUZZAH.
10:11 p.m. We’re rushing along now. Supporting Actress Movies and Miniseries. The winner is… Maggie Smith for “Downton Abbey.” More happiness here!
10:17 p.m. Oooh. A “Fringe” ad. Right before the Emmy accountants. Oh. Wait. It’s Paula Abdul and Jane Lynch. Heh.
10:18 p.m. Melissa McCarthy and Amy Poehler are paired. They have a funny bit about all of the great roles this year for men. They’ve got Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie. Edgar Ramirez deserves to win this one, but what are the chances Emmy voters will get it right? The winner is… Barry Pepper. Sigh. Whatever.
10:20 p.m. Directing for a Movie or Miniseries… Brian Percival for “Downton Abbey.” It’s certainly feeling like “Downton Abbey” is on track to beat “Mildred Pierce” for Movie/Miniseries.
10:22 p.m. Necrology time. I’m just going to put this on mute, if you don’t mind.
10:32 p.m. Anna Torv and David Boreanaz? Nice geek-friendly pairing, Emmys. Anna Torv looks spectacular. Wait. Now we’re backtracking to Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Movie/Miniseries? The winner is… Guy Pearce for “Mildred Pierce.” Guy Pearce actually was my favorite part of “Mildred Pierce.” “I got to have sex with Kate Winslet many, many times,” Pearce says, before thanking Kate Winslet for letting him “insert himself” into her world. Ha.
10:35 p.m. Hugh Laurie and a shiny Claire Danes. They’re presenting Best Actress in a Movie/Miniseries to Kate Winslet. And the winner is… Kate Winslet. SHOCKER. The other nominees are pleased, because none of them actually thought they had a chance. “I didn’t think we were going to win anything,” Winslet gushes. She becomes the second straight winner to attribute everything to Todd Haynes. Winslet shares her win with her mum. Awww. As I’m reminded Winslet actually already has a Grammy, what Broadway revival do we want to cast her in to guarantee EGOT?
10:44 p.m. Don Cheadle’s presenting Outstanding Miniseries or Movie. Suddenly, this has become a really heated category. Will it be “Mildred” or “Downton”? The winner is… “Downton Abbey.” Oh, so very happy. Julian Fellowes is so erudite and British. And “Downton Abbey” was actually a TV series and not a movie or miniseries at all, but if it was nominated here, it deserved to win.
10:47 p.m. “The Cooler” and “E.R.” co-stars Maria Bello and William H. Macy present Outstanding Drama Series to… “Mad Men.” This is the fourth straight win in this category for “Mad Men.” And while this would have been my preference (not prediction), a tiny bit of me is sad that “Friday Night Lights” couldn’t make it one last upset. Matthew Weiner seems almost humble.
10:54 p.m. Jane Lynch has had some really funny moments at the end of this show and NOBODY has noticed. Our final presenter is Gwyneth Paltrow, who won an Emmy last week. The prompter is down, forcing Gwyneth Paltrow to wing it. Kinda. The winner for Outstanding Comedy Series is… “Modern Family.” Shocking, right? Steve Levitan says that everybody on the stage is grateful. Levitan ends by pointing to the kids on the stage. They may not get the Emmy nominations, but they’re the heart of the show and the place the show most easily could have gone wrong. Levitan realizes this. But “Modern Family” isn’t just about comedy, it’s about teaching “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a loving, committed relationship between an old man and hot young woman. And looking around this room tonight, I see many of you agree.” A fine way to end the telecast.
10:58 p.m. “That’s our telecast. Good night,” Lynch says, as the Emmys come in under-time. Impressive.
Thanks for following along, kids! That’s it for this Emmy live-blog!