Three Food Writers Attempt To Make The Perfect Burger


Burgers. You knew they were coming. After all, this is a series for people who love arguing about food online and burgers are a lock for #1 best food to bicker over on the internet. All beef patty or a mix? 80/20 or 70/30? Onions grilled or raw? American cheese or cheddar? Eggs? Beets? Mushrooms?

The best part is that literally everyone considers themselves a burger expert. And they’re right. When the subject of a Cooking Battle connects to Zach’s Native American heritage, or my Italian heritage, or Vince’s East Fresno heritage (I kid!), we can each be pretty damn persuasive. But burgers are different. Burgers are “ours.” And by “ours” I don’t just mean “American,” either. They’ve grown past that designation. Burgers are the intellectual property of anyone who loves food.

Your opinions are therefore valid and you have every right to defend them. So just this once, we won’t attack you if you say something like: “Sorry but a burger MUST have a poppy seed bun! Otherwise, it’s just a sandwich — everyone knows that… STEVE!” or some such comment that typically would make us want to bash our heads against walls.

Unless you talk trash on ketchup. Then, vaya con dios and may the Lord have mercy on your burger-loving souls. Now let’s get to it!

— Steve Bramucci, Managing Editor, Uproxx Life


BLT Showdown — 1) Vince 2) Zach 3) Steve
Mac & Cheese Showdown — 1) Vince 2) (tie) Zach, Steve
Taco Showdown — 1) Steve 2) Zach 3) Vince
Winter Stew Showdown — 1) Zach 2) Steve 3) Vince
Date Night Showdown — 1) Zach 2) Vince 3) Steve
Pasta Showdown — 1) Steve 2) Zach 3) Vince
Hot Beef Showdown — 1) Zach 2) Vince 3) Steve
Shellfish Showdown — 1) Vince 2) Zach 3) Steve
BBQ Showdown — 1) Steve 2) Zach 3) Vince
Pumpkin Spice Showdown — 1) (tie) Vince, Zach 2) Steve
Thanksgiving Side Dish Showdown — 1) Vince 2) Steve 3) Zach
Christmas Dessert Showdown — 1) Steve 2) Vince 3) Zach
Chili Cook-off Showdown — 1) Zach 2) Steve 3) Vince
Nacho Showdown — 1) Vince 2) Steve 3) Zach*

*Zach’s nachos are actually getting put on a menu in the real world. So, there’s that.**

**That ^^^ was written by Zach when I wasn’t looking but if we’re adding asterisks about injustices… I have a few thoughts. -SB


We’re giving three points to the winner and one to second place for each round. As it stands, the score is:

ZACH: 21


Zach Johnston

The best burgers are the simplest burgers. That’s an axiom to live by right there. There’s a tendency these days to overdo burgers in every way. Some of it is great. Yes, I want duck egg and foie gras on my burger … sometimes. But let’s face it, generally, we want a burger that’s just fucking good and the more elements you add to a burger, the more it’s going to fall apart. Often literally.