Three Food Writers Battle Over Christmas Desserts In This Cooking Challenge


T’was the night before Christmas, on the Uproxx page,
And the Internet’s legions were all stirred up with rage,

They’d been given a gift — Star Wars: The Last Jedi,
“Complaints?” the OG fans wrote, “You bet I…”

“…Have issues with Luke, Rey and Finn,
In fact, I’m so pissed… where to begin?

The rants poured forth, a few of them vile,
So let’s check out the food page for awhile.

It’s a quite civil place — not to say we don’t bicker,
But when tempers are lower, forgiveness is quicker.

Today our fair topic is tarts, brulees, and cakes,
So let’s tease one another’s most minute mistakes.

When comments get going, it’s a hell of fight,
Perfect for warming a cold winter’s night.

So come Tronner, come Verbal, come Dancer and Blitzen,
Fartakiss, get in here, be sure you get hits in.

Tell us how Santa would be ashamed of our treats,
How our texture is mushy and our cakes look like feets.

Keep it fun, keep it fresh, keep it nice, keep it light,
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

— Steve Bramucci, Managing Editor, Uproxx Life


BLT Showdown — 1) Vince 2) Zach 3) Steve
Mac & Cheese Showdown — 1) Vince 2) (tie) Zach, Steve
Taco Showdown — 1) Steve 2) Zach 3) Vince
Winter Stew Showdown — 1) Zach 2) Steve 3) Vince
Date Night Showdown — 1) Zach 2) Vince 3) Steve
Pasta Showdown — 1) Steve 2) Zach 3) Vince
Hot Beef Showdown — 1) Zach 2) Vince 3) Steve
Shellfish Showdown — 1) Vince 2) Zach 3) Steve
BBQ Showdown — 1) Steve 2) Zach 3) Vince
Pumpkin Spice Showdown — 1) (tie) Vince, Zach 2) Steve
Thanksgiving Side Dishes Showdown — 1) Vince 2) Steve 3) Zach


We’re giving three points to the winner and one to second place for each round. As it stands, the score is:

ZACH: 18


Even before my shocking win in the last challenge, I was convinced that Steve is deciding these things based on what will best keep me from winning. He did Thanksgiving sides after I’d already cooked my favorite Thanksgiving side for a previous challenge and he took the obvious choice, scalloped potatoes, for himself. I won anyway, cooking a dish that wasn’t even American. So now we’re doing Christmas desserts. I’m at an even greater disadvantage here on account of I don’t even really know what a “Christmas dessert” is. Don’t people just eat, like, pie and cookies and shit? I’ve never once eaten a fruit cake, and mostly I’m only aware of them as a sitcom punchline from the 80s. Figgy pudding is a lyric to a Christmas song that I’m not entirely sure is about a real thing. Like, pudding made from figs? Never seen it, it sounds terrible.

What desserts do I actually like? Apple pie. I like apple pie. So I made a galette, which is like an apple pie for lazy asses. My girlfriend sent me this recipe for a Smitten Kitchen galette that had ricotta dough. I liked the dairy-in-the-dough idea, and it said you could also use sour cream in your dough. I already had some Mexican sour cream in my fridge (on account of it’s one of my favorite things), so I used that instead. I changed the filling to apple and did a salted caramel drizzle, because while salted caramel is everywhere and kind of obnoxious, well, it’s also really good.

The Dough

It’s actually probably a good thing I didn’t know how easy pie dough was before this. Way easier than pasta. I used:

Mexican sour cream
Lemon zest

Mush it all together in a big bowl.

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