“Why do you have three pizzas from three different restaurants?” my girlfriend asked.
She was making her “secretly considering leaving me” face.
“Because I’ve been given the world’s best assignment,” I said, with giddy excitement coursing through my veins. “I’m going to eat these pizzas and then decide which is the best to order during the Super Bowl.”
There are a lot of reasons to watch the Super Bowl. The commercials are always legendary, the halftime show is a great spectacle, and for at least a dozen people, the game is actually fun to watch. But for me — a life-long nerd and physical weakling — it’s a chance to enjoy the company of my friends, drink a few beers, and eat some really good pizza.
“But you could just eat one piece of pizza from each restaurant, right?” my girlfriend asked. I sensed fear in her voice…maybe there was a hint of revulsion too. “You don’t have to eat all the pizzas…right? That’s impossible.”
“The most rewarding things in life,” I said with a saucy wink, “are the ones that look like they cannot be done.”
She rolled her eyes and walked away as I dug into the greatest meal of my life.
Domino’s Handmade Pan Pizza
Despite offering pizza-topped fried chicken, stuffed bread, and oven-baked sandwiches, Domino’s pizza options are oddly pedestrian. Their pizza menu includes “American Legends” and “Feast Pizzas” but each recipe is still an iteration of dough, sauce, cheese, and toppings.
Nothing is bacon-wrapped or stuffed with hot dogs or bathed in sausage gravy. In this age of stunt menu items, a pizza restaurant that only serves actual pizzas might seem refreshing, but not for Super Bowl Sunday. This is America’s day of excess — plain pizza feels lazy.
Without any bold choices to make, I ordered Domino’s Handmade Pan Pizza with pepperoni. It’s a thick, bready pizza with a crispy layer over the crust. It reminds me of traditional Southern cornbread baked with Crisco in a seasoned cast iron skillet, offering a dark section of crunch while preserving a soft interior. Of the three pizzas I ate, Domino’s easily had the best tasting dough with the most appealing texture.
The pepperoni is distributed generously, though its crispiness is lost in a molten quagmire of cheese and bland sauce. Sadly, while the crust is delicious, the pizza’s other ingredients aren’t nearly as successful. Eventually everything devolves into a primordial gelatin of semi-recognizable Italian flavors and, in the end, the pie looks like the face of Pizza the Hut (you know, the b-plot villain from Mel Brooks’ Spaceballs).
It’s not bad, but it suffers from a lack of flair. Domino’s can’t escape the fact that it’s low-cost fast food, and that distinction is made clear in the muddled execution of their pan pizza. It’s also a fact that I might be distracted from if the crust were lined with jalapeño poppers or mushroom beignets or, at the very least, stuffed with more cheese.
Suggested beer pairing: Stella Artois
Little Caesars Bacon Wrapped Deep Deep Dish Pizza
This is a pizza that could only have come from Ron Swanson’s dream journal. The Bacon Wrapped Deep Deep Dish Pizza is a classic Little Caesars Deep Dish that’s wrapped in a gluttonous 3 1/2 feet of bacon.
That’s a f*ckton of bacon. Are you satiated yet, internet?
The bacon is also the best thing about the pizza. It’s surprisingly crispy, crunchy, and unequivocally delicious and the aroma it creates is far superior to the dusty cardboard smell that wafts off both Domino’s and Pizza Hut’s offerings.
If I were reviewing only the crusts of these pizzas then Little Caesars would win by a landslide because—let’s be real—the crust is bacon and bacon always wins.
Unfortunately I am reviewing the whole pizza, and for Little Caesars, that’s a problem. The bacon traps an immense amount of butter and grease that soaks into the dough far past the point of enjoyment, turning the pizza into a sponge that tastes salty and chemical-y and sad.
Even worse, by the time you’ve eaten the bacon edges, the pizza itself has lost heat and become pasty, with an almost glue-like texture. The end result is neither hot nor ready, but instead cold and deeply regrettable.
Suggested beer pairing: Pabst Blue Ribbon
Pizza Hut Stuffed Garlic Knots Pizza
Pizza Hut is known for loose interpretations of “crust,” with ambitious variations including tater tots, bread sticks, and even hot dogs.
When you think about it, Pizza Hut is kind of like The Island of Dr. Moreau of pizza chains — splicing together entire meals in a way previously thought impossible. This zest for mad scientist pizza innovation has resulted in the newly announced Stuffed Garlic Knots Pizza.
There’s no surprise here: it’s a pizza with an outer crust made out of garlic knots that are stuffed with cheese. It’s a beautiful work of symmetry, complete with a lush, oily glean that looks as appetizing as it smells.
The knots are a surprisingly delightful texture — a mix of chewy and doughy that perfectly complements the melted-cheese interior. Once removed, however, the knots leave behind a flavorless chasm of unseasoned dough which has the appearance and texture of dead skin.
It is unsettling.
But don’t worry, these malignant wads of fleshy dough are the perfect vehicle for the tangy marinara dipping sauce that’s included with every order.
And then there’s the pizza itself. The dough is firm and chewy, the pepperoni is crisp, the cheese is gooey, and the herb and garlic baste that covers the whole pizza promises that every bite will be flavorful (if not, at times, a bit too sweet).
Of course, we can’t forget that Pizza Hut’s Stuffed Garlic Knots Pizza is basically a carb-loaded nap bomb, and a godless affront to our New Year’s resolutions. What does it mean when the best pizza I’ve had all year is basically a caloric assault of bread, topped with bread, stuffed with cheese?
I don’t know the answer to that question and, honestly, I don’t want to.
Suggested beer pairing: Pilsner Urquell
The Winner: Pizza Hut Stuffed Garlic Knots Pizza
With a superior taste, texture, and shtick, the best pizza to order for Super Bowl Sunday is Pizza Hut’s Stuffed Garlic Knots Pizza.
(And it doesn’t hurt that 50 lucky Pizza Hut patrons will receive a special edition golden pizza when they order the Stuffed Garlic Knots Pizza on Super Bowl Sunday. The golden pizza is covered in $100 of edible 24-karat gold, which hopefully isn’t as awful tasting as it sounds.)
