Does In-N-Out Actually Suck? An Investigation

Uproxx

This week, friend-of-Uproxx and leader of the SoCal food cognoscenti Gustavo Arellano set the internet aflame when he wrote — in a California-endemic magazine, no less — that In-N-Out, the fast food girlfriend of every dude to ever have a soul patch, was overhyped.

Seriously, the article actually became news of its own.

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Suddenly, it was as if the levees had been breached and every person on Twitter who had ever fathomed the possibility that a double cheeseburger that costs $3.45 might not somehow be the peak of haute cuisine was like TOLDJA! It was a wild few days and a welcome distraction from… everything.

Naturally, this came up in the Uproxx Life slack room, so we decided to have two writers unpack In-N-Out’s food, to try to come to some consensus. Directly contrary to their beloved editor’s orders, they spent 1000 words insulting one another and only the last 150 talking about flavor. Still, if you read on you’ll get to enjoy some sick burns (with the tiniest bit of discussion about how in the world In-N-Out gets their fries to taste so much like packing material).

As for my take, it’s a tasty burger. Not good enough to buy from the In-N-Out less than a mile from my house, which I have literally never visited. But definitely good enough to get on the way home from the desert — Palm Springs or Vegas or Death Valley — which is exactly what I did literally this past weekend.

— Steve Bramucci, Editorial Director UPROXX Life

Allison’s take: It’s not “so-so,” it’s terrible.

Oh man, that patriot who admitted in and out is bad, should get a medal of honor. Or a Pulitzer or something. Sainthood? The Pope’s been pretty cool, so I feel like he’ll be into it. All I’m saying is: God Bless “Man who gave a hot take about a burger joint on the internet.” God bless him. He. Is. A. Saint.

Anyway, back to in and out — Oh, I’m sorry, Steve. Are you about to edit the “in and out” lower case letters to “In-N-Out”??? WELL then STOP. It was intentional. We earn our capitalization and cutesy spellings around these parts. We command that sort of respect by being delicious. And in and out has not earned that distinction. You’re not Dunkin’ Donuts, in and out. And you. Never. F**king. Will. Be.

Look, let’s start with the obvious. I don’t like mustard. I admit it. I think it’s disgusting and in n out grills their burgers with it. I also dislike mayonnaise (animal style is thousand island dressing which is basically that) and I cannot tell you how much I hate pickles. Eating a pickle is my idea of Hell. Eating a pickle slathered in a mayo-sauce glopped atop a mustard patty?

Jesus, if I have to do that, I’m taking you all with me. And it will be painful.

Here’s the thing, I am baffled by the In-N-Out love. The fries are objectively terrible. And fries are a really easy thing to make delicious. Just make them curly, like my hair (which is also delicious, probably…if you like eating hair). The buns aren’t of good bread, and the actual burgers must be smothered in sauce and onions to be made even tolerable.

And are the shakes good? Sure. They’re FINE. But not remarkable.

In-N-Out is the Mount Rushmore of fast foods. It’s talked about a whole lot, people say you have to get there, but then when you arrive you’re like, OMG, this is it? This is what I traveled thousands of miles for??? And waited in a line? This isn’t good. It’s not even mediocre. And actually, now that I’m thinking about it, it’s kind of offensive. I have wasted a part of my life that I’ll never go back on this. And finally — Oh god, Oh god. Why is there so much mustard?

So, to wrap up, In-N-Out is bad. Here are some images of a work fight I got in today about this subject, but like….I’m right. I’m always right. You can set up a go fund for me and fake pretend I’m a homeless man who gave you free advice when your car broke down at In-N-Out if you want to reward my rightness. I’m into it. Give me my 400 thousand dollars. Money, please!

A beautiful soul who tries to help people

Monster. But also, accurate.

Again, angel.

I mean. Again, Accurate. And honestly? Fair?

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