Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you’ve never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It’s not love I’m describing. I’m thinking of a monorail.
-Jack Handey
Love is a funny thing. Like why do we fall in love with one object of affection and not others? Is it just a biological, chemical reaction? Or is it fate? Do we stay true to our loves out of obligation? Loneliness? True devotion? Sometimes I wonder if perhaps I’m just settling. Maybe I’m in love because I crave the familiar. Am I such a poor creature of habit that I can’t see how many better options are around me?
Or is Baskin Robbins Cookie Dough Ice Cream truly the love of my life, as I have strongly believed for last two decades?
Maybe it doesn’t make sense that I love Baskin Robbins so much, and that I truly believe it is the best ice cream on the planet. Part of me knows Baskin Robbins isn’t ‘good’ ice cream. And yet, my heart burns for it with an all consuming passion. We’re not always together. I’ve cheated many times, and there are periods in my life when a Baskin Robbins sits across a chasm too far to traverse. Or it’s winter, and societal convention, our cruel mistress, keeps us apart. But we write, and try to stay in touch.
January 10th, 2017
Dearest Baskin,
My sweet, sugary angel. As I write this, I’m standing on the dock (our place!). Waves are crashing in the distance, and I’m looking up at the vast collection of stars glittering in the sky. You seem galaxies away. I wonder, are the same stars shimmering stars over the strip mall you reside? Probably, it’s only about two miles away. But still. I ache for you. If only I could put your sweet vanilla on my tongue. The heat of my mouth would melt you into a puddle of pure ecstasy. Do you miss my touch as much as I miss yours? Oh Baskin, tell me you yearn for me? Send me back the poetry of your soul as mine reaches across the divide.
Sincerely yours,
Allison Noelle Sanchez
January 10th, 2017
Allison Sanchez,
Please click the link below to confirm that you would like to be on our mailing list.
https://news.baskinrobbins.com/alerts
The Baskin Robbins Team
January 10th, 2017
My succulent Baskin!!
Your words leave me flushed. You musn’t be so forward! What if father had intercepted our correspondence? He would never have let me leave the house again! And rightly so, your tantalizing prose arouses feelings and things in me that well, I , as a young, innocent girl, never knew even existed. Yes, I want to be on your mailing list. I’ve never wanted anything more. Every part of my mind screams that I am putting myself in danger, but every cell in my heart screams, “YES!” Put me on that list. Tell me every secret, every thought, every dream.
But how shall I wait for our next correspondence? Even a day is too long when we’re apart. Write soon, my sweet. I will be waiting.
Eternally yours,
Allison Noelle Sanchez
March 21st, 2017
Allison Sanchez
Spring into the season! Buy one regular soft serve cone and get one free!
Limit one coupon per customer. Coupon must be presented at time of purchase. Shop must retain coupon. No substitutions allowed. Void if copied or transferred and where prohibited or restricted by law. Customer must pay applicable tax.
Having trouble viewing this email? Click here.
March 21st, 2017
Baskin,
Yes. I am having trouble VIEWING THIS EMAIL. Your sudden chilly demeanor vexes and confuses me. I don’t hear from you for weeks, and now, NOW, you write as if nothing unusual has transpired? I thought you dead! I adorned myself in black as is the custom, and I mourned for you.
And now, you reappear, shameless, and with the demand that I must purchase something for your love? You say it’s a soft serve cone this time. But what will it be the next? Perfume from Paris? Diamonds? What will you require of me when all my riches are gone Baskin, when you’ve sucked the marrow from my bones, and I have nothing left to give you?
You mention the law…like the cruel beast that you are. You know how that hurts me, knowing that we can never be together because of society’s outdated codes. Because it’s ‘illegal to smash the window of a Baskin Robbins after closing time.’ So I sleep alone every night, aching for you. And yet, after all my sacrifice, you void our love? Erase the decades of memory, of joy, of pain? How dare you? How dare you toy with me like that? I give up. This will never work. Shall it? Please ignore the tears that surely stain this parchment, the ink that runs with my sorrow. I am alone. But perhaps I always have been. Perhaps I imagined that you felt the same as I.
Do not correspond with me again. The pain is too much. I will let mother set me up with the ice cream shop down the road. It’s well off, though…very old. But at least I know I will be well appointed. It is stable and kind. And… I must turn my back to this volatile path you have led us down, lest we both end up dead or ruined. Be well, my dearest. I will never love another, but perhaps, that is my….or, dare I dream, our….burden to bear.
If I see you again, it will be in another life,
Lady Sanchez
May 7th, 2017
Allison Sanchez,
Mother’s Day is May 13th. Don’t forget to treat mom to something sweet! Take $3.00 off any ice cream cake on us!
The Baskin Robbins Team
May 7th, 2017
Oh Baskin,
You do care! I could never stay angry with you, my dearest. Mother will love an ice cream cake, you’re so very thoughtful. And I….I will love you until time itself folds in, collapses, and our universe fades from existence. Even if I must wait out the fabric of space and time, I shall wait for you my love. The way the spring must wait for the sun to melt the icy snow, so shall I keep the course. And maybe I’ll see you in my dreams or on my birthday. I have that coupon you sent for a free 2.5 oz scoop from the birthday club. So…it won’t be long. Though any separation seems endless.
With undying devotion,
Yours once again,
Allison Noelle Sanchez
Point being, Love isn’t rational, but it is beautiful. Ice cream is a wondrous thing. But cruel. It nourishes us and yet, wrecks our very souls and waistlines. But we must admit that not all ice cream is created equal. I will hold that Baskin tastes the best forever. But beyond the brands of ice cream in the world. I have some very important, very strong feelings about flavor. Hopefully we all do. Wouldn’t it be great if the next world war was fought, not about religion or borders, but over ice cream flavors? And yes, we’ll ALL die. But wouldn’t it be more whimsical if we all died in an atomic apocalypse because we just couldn’t agree on mint chocolate chip vs. butter pecan? If brother turned against brother because one of them wanted chocolate and the other cookies and cream? That’s the only world that I want my children to grow up in.
Here are the most popular ice cream flavors POWER RANKED.
Our rating system today will be “I scream, you scream, this woman screams for ice cream like her very life depends on it. AND IT DOES!”
12. Strawberry
https://www.instagram.com/p/BWNNwuKgLWy/
There’s nothing bad about strawberry ice cream. It’s perfectly delicious, I’m sure. It’s just like….have you ever been with someone who has ordered strawberry ice cream? Ever? I’m not even sure what would happen if you did. Is it a code for some sort of secret society that exists below every ice cream parlor? You ask for a strawberry cone and they usher you into a back closet that turns into an elevator and takes you to a secret group of assassins who operate outside the laws of man?
Or maybe it’s a test, to see if you’re human or not. Perhaps ice cream parlors are a group of international demon hunters, and the “strawberry ice cream test” is a classic ruse to find out who amongst us are horrible demons wearing the skin of human hosts. Order one scoop of delicious strawberry ice cream, and they know you couldn’t possibly be a real person. Who does that? Within seconds you’ll be doused with holy water and your head sliced off with whatever specially blessed blade sends demons back to the depths of Hell.
Or maybe when you order you’ll just be given some really stale ice cream that’s been sitting out for 7 years.
Hard to say. But all options are equally plausible so….
Rating: One woman screaming….for ice cream! Oh, and because she’s being repeatedly attacked by the aforementioned demon hunters. But I think mostly she’s screaming for the ice cream. The blood pooling on the pavement is not relevant.
11. Coffee
https://www.instagram.com/p/BWL7WMvAInX/
I like a good coffee. And also a good ice cream. But together? I find them to be a monster of Frankenstinian proportions. WHY DID THEY NEED TO BE STITCHED TOGETHER LIKE THAT? It’s the ice cream equivalent of human centipeding. Coffee going into the ice cream. Ice cream going into the coffee. Butts being sewn to mouths. IT’S NOT NATURAL. NONE OF IT. AND I WON’T CONTINUE TO ALLOW THAT SORT OF DEPRAVITY UNDER MY ROOF.
Rating: Two women screaming for ice cream. Just over and over again for hours. Someone should knock on their door and check on them. I mean, it’s not normal for two young women to shriek the word ice cream thousands of times while using baseball bats to smash everything in their house. They’re pounding on the walls, rolling around the floor, setting things on fire, and all the while just screaming for ice cream.
A few hours ago, I brought over some ice cream. I thought, hell, they sure want it bad enough. But they knocked it out of my hand. Began writhing on the ground, their tortured scream piercing the air. So…..I honestly don’t know if they know what they’re yelling for anymore.
10. Pistachio
When you begin typing “Why does pistachio ice cream” into google, a list of popular questions comes up. It’s a confusing ice cream, and I’d like to take those frequently asked questions and answer them for you right now. Because there are no stupid questions!
Why does pistachio ice cream have almonds?
That’s a good question. Pistachio ice cream IS often made with almond flavoring. That’s because almonds have mind control properties, and you’re being readied to become the perfect soldier, one with no hopes, dreams, or fears. Just a raw, remorseless killing machine. Every time you eat an almond or even something almond flavored, a little piece of your resistance slips away. Are you finding large chunks of time go missing throughout your day? And it makes you worry you’re losing your mind? Well, don’t worry so much, you definitely are. Won’t be long now!
Why does pistachio ice cream taste like cherries?
It’s probably just a flaw in the squirrel meat they use to give it texture. Nothing to be too concerned about.
Why does pistachio ice cream not taste like pistachios?
Because have you ever had a pistachio? No really, have you? Where I come from a pistachio is a sacred, and rare food that is traded for currency. Eating one would be like eating a gold coin. Unthinkable. And yet, I dream.
Why does pistachio ice cream have mint?
It doesn’t. They’re both green. But other than being the same color, being highly flammable, containing squirrel parts, and effectively being a way to control your mind, they’re really nothing alike. I guess there ARE stupid questions.
Rating: Three women screaming for ice cream, but also the sort of gender equity that has been long overdue. They scream for their mothers and grandmothers and sisters. For those without a voice, who have been degraded and overlooked. They scream for the world to change, for lives to get better. For harassment to end. For us to join as one human race, equal and valued. We heard their screams, their pleas….and we were moved, deep in our core.
So we got them some Rocky Road. I mean you can only do so much. And at least the broads got one of the things they wanted, right?
9. Mint Chocolate Chip
https://www.instagram.com/p/BWNHvaeggJF/
I don’t want mint ice cream. I don’t care how much chocolate you put in it trying to bribe or trick me. As everyone knows, I have the absolute highest ethics and I absolutely cannot be bribed except by things I really want. So don’t even try it, unless of course you’ve got something good. Like a pizza or literally any amount of money. Like if I was supposed to testify in an important criminal trial and I was offered a good slice of pizza, I’d say I’d probably “forget” the details on the stand. Yeah, a murderer would go back on the streets, but that piece of pizza would be DELICIOUS. Things tend to even out if you throw enough pizza at them.
Rating: Four women screaming for ice cream. We keep telling them that this is a tire store, but they’re really insistent. “Give us our ice cream!!” They holler. “We’re called the tire emporium. I don’t understand why you’re here,” we say politely. To be honest, we’re at a bit of a stalemate on the issue.
8. Butter Pecan
https://www.instagram.com/p/BVqdFKWBg_h/
Butter Pecan is a good ice cream flavor. It’s creamy, sweet, and its toasted pecans are tasty. I just feel like you’re settling when you go with butter pecan.
Aren’t you tired of settling? It may seem like this is as good as you can do, but it isn’t! You’re worthy of something more. A better job! A more exciting life! Riches beyond your wildest dreams. You’re more talented and better looking than you know. It’s time to believe that. Put down the butter pecan, quit your job, dump that horrible person you’re dating, and take a leap! You truly can have it all! So do it, put down the butter pecan and…oh shoot, I just got a better look at you. I was thinking you were someone else.
Um. This is really awkward. All of those things I just said….see there’s this Uproxx reader named, Joseph Guerrero, and you know, he’s really handsome, and smart, and charming. But he just has really low self esteem. And from far away I thought maybe you were him, and I was like, “JOSEPH, get away from the butter pecan, you should be the head of a billion dollar corporation, married to a model, living in a mansion!” Uh….but it turned out to be you. And listen, you’re great too, it’s just…look, dude. Butter Pecan isn’t so bad. I feel like it’s a really great choice. And you should order it more often. And your job, boy does that…..suit you. You’re….well you just keep doing you is what I’m saying. Butter Pecan for all, right?! Don’t think too hard about the whole, Joseph is really handsome thing. Because YOU. You. Your haircut definitely is….. a haircut….and your face it’s….I think you’ve got a really interesting….and you’re so….you have a personality, you know. And you say things. And I think that’s great. Just terrific. Congrats.
Rating: Five women screaming. It isn’t the ice cream that they want. They want more than this provincial life. This little town. It’s a quiet village, and every day is like the one before. A little town full of little people waking up to say bon jour, bon jour, bon jour. There must be more than this provincial life, they scream.
And really, it’s a bit rude. Everyone’s just being friendly.
7. Chocolate
I fully acknowledge that you can’t go wrong with chocolate anything, really. Buuuuuut, with chocolate ice cream and cake it just feels like they’re kind of watered down versions of the real thing. Obviously, it depends on the caliber of the chocolate ice cream, there are heavenly chocolate ice creams. But if we’re just going off of run of the mill chocolate soft serve… I’d rather go with vanilla.
Rating: Six women screaming for ice cream. That’s all us ladies do, really. We scream and scream, “Chocolate, Chocolate, Chocolate, Aaack!” Then we put on a robe, and a green face mask. Honestly! Girls’ nights are exactly what you’d expect. Every single one, we throw some curlers in our hair, grab one of those trashy, gossip magazines, make popcorn, turn on the Gilmore Girls, and begin cutting the fingers off of the prisoner we captured on the way back from getting froyo.
We like to kill our victims slowly sawing them apart piece by piece until there’s nothing left to scream. Then our “ice” scream turns into a laugh, a feminine giggle really, rising in a feverish pitch as we get a big barrel of acid ready for human disposal. That’s really it. Sorry to be so predictable!
6. Vanilla
https://www.instagram.com/p/BWLOIVbhwUF/
I don’t know that there’s a simpler or more perfect dessert than a scoop of vanilla ice cream. It’s not fancy. It’s not going to wow you like say a piece of funfetti cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory, restaurant of all of our dreams. But the truth is, nothing is ever going to be the Cheesecake Factory but the Cheesecake Factory and it’s unfair to compare things to it. Everything is garbage when you compare it to the Cheesecake Factory. But I digress.
The point it, if you’re having a dinner party and you want to give all of your guests a treat after a big, rich meal, nothing is more satisfying than a light, fluffy good ol’ scoop of vanilla. Or two scoops if you’re say, the president having guests over, and you want to prove that you’re better than all of them. Vanilla ice cream is like a little black dress. It’s classic, and will please pretty much everyone. Unless they’re lactose intolerant in which case, I don’t know. Feed them a can of cold peas. Coming into my house without the ability to process dairy, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? ENJOY YOUR DESSERT PEAS, ASSHOLE.
Rating: Seven women screaming in a community theater production who are unable to convey anger in any way other than yelling. They scream at you for two hours and 49 minutes, and afterwards everyone in the audience gives them a standing ovation. Are they screaming for ice cream? You don’t know. Honestly you couldn’t understand a single word they said because the mic was popping the whole show. You just wanted it to be over so you could tell your dumb cousin Rick that it’s amazing that he memorized so many lines, and go home.
5. Cake Batter/Birthday Cake
https://www.instagram.com/p/BWL1YOhjZH_/
It’s your birthday every f*cking day of the week when cake flavored ice cream is involved. We all know that that cheap vanilla cake taste is the best thing about every child’s birthday or office going away party so of course it’s a treasure in an ice cream.
“But Allison,” you wonder, “why, when we say birthday cake, do we think of white cake? Why couldn’t it be chocolate cake or red velvet or carrot cake?”
All good points. And I don’t have a good answer to that other than “cake racism.” And before you ask if that’s a real thing, know that it is, because I invented it right now. Birthday cake flavor automatically being vanilla is like people saying flesh colored when they mean peach. Only, you’re right, now that I’m thinking about it, this is even worse. Because people racism only affects people, and cake racism affects people AND cakes. It’s an issue that I hope we can all agree to tackle in our lifetimes. Am I saying we should abandon all other attempts at balancing injustice and immediately focus on cake? Well, not quite that far. But let’s solve this shit, too.
Rating: I scream, you scream, a mob of eight very angry women hold pitchforks and torches and bang on your front door screaming for ice cream. But look, it’s the purge tonight. A time when all crime is legal, even murder, and no emergency service is available and blah, blah, blah. People were going to scream about SOMETHING before they broke into your house, right?
Ah, purge night. Now, they’re smashing in your windows with a baseball bat covered in barbed wire and wearing those scary masks that sell like extremely well every year right before the purge. If only you had thought to open a mask store when the government first introduced purge, you’d be a really rich man, you know? But hindsight is always 20/20, especially when it comes to dystopic governmental decisions meant to weed out the population.
4. Salted Caramel
https://www.instagram.com/p/BVw99vDF9Qa/
Caramel ice cream is so good. AND THE SALT. OH MAN THE SALT. IT JUST ELEVATES THE CARAMEL TO A WHOLE NEW DIMENSION OF TASTE AND SOPHISTICATION. Salt really makes everything better, and should be put in large quantities onto literally every food. And sure, people say salt is bad for you. But people say a lot things like: don’t try to carry a sword through security checkpoints in an airport. And nothing bad has ever happened to me doing that except several weeks in a windowless cell being interrogated using various torture methods. People just like to hear themselves talk. If I want your advice, I’LL ASK FOR IT. Thanks.
Rating: Nine women screaming for ice cream. Although I did pepper spray them for no reason, so maybe they’re screaming for eye cream? But they’re really not annunciating, just clutching their eyes and reaching, blindly, as they shriek. I’d love to help them, but I’m not going to take the trouble to go all the way into my house and get them something until they can AT THE VERY LEAST do me the courtesy of asking for whatever they want in a calm tone of voice. I’m not going to make two trips.
3. Cookies and Cream
The ratio of chocolate cookie to creamy ice cream is just so on point. That first pioneer who had an Oreo and a bowl of ice cream and just thought, “You know what? I don’t need to eat these one at a time, separately. I can crush my Oreo into my ice cream because I am an adult, and I can make my own decisions, and dammit, my decisions are wonderful,” that person deserves their face carved into Mount Rushmore. They’re more of a hero than those other guys, that’s for sure. Like Abraham Lincoln. What did HE do that was so great? “Oh I’m so tall. I’ve got so many hats. I ended the most tragic institution on the history of the planet.” Give me a call when you do something delicious, buddy. THEN we’ll talk.
Rating: 10 women who scream for the cold God of all things, ice cream. They haunt my dreams. Why do they scream so? Every night the same vision. A group of ten. Screaming for ice cream. I feel like they’re warning me of…. something….Will ice cream end our civilization or save it? And who are they, the screaming prophets of my slumber? I fear sleep. I fear their terrified yells. “Ice Cream, ICE CREAM, ICE CREAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.” I wake up and there is blood on my pillow, leaking out of my damaged ear drums. It’s a nightmare.
Plus, I’m like really hungry for ice cream then. So it’s super inconvenient.
2. Rocky Road
Just chocolate can be boring. But chocolate with nuts and marshmallows AND SOMETIMES BITS OF FUDGE? That’s an ice cream that I can totally get in bed with. Have I gotten in bed with it? You may ask. Well, that’s none of your business. A lady never eats ice cream and tells.
Rating: 11 OF US SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM OUTSIDE OF A CLOSED COLDSTONE CREAMERY. WE DON’T CARE HOW IRRATIONAL IT IS. WE WANT ICE CREAM DAMMIT. GIVE US ICE CREAM. ICE CREAM ICE CREAM ICE CREAM ICE CREAM. DO IT. WHY ARE YOU CLOSED? 9PM? WHO CLOSES AT 9?????? IT’S A SATURDAY! ICE CREAM GIVE ICE CREAM DO NOW. ICE CREAM ICE CREAM ICE CREAM. WE WILL STAND HERE UNTIL WE GET OUR ICE CREAM. EVEN IF IT TAKES ALL NIGHT.
What? Oh. Well, yeah, I mean sure we could just grab some at 7/11. Um. That’s a good point that we….um…honestly yeah, we feel a little bit embarrassed. We’ll just be on our way….
1. Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
https://www.instagram.com/p/BV7JE45FZVM/
I love raw cookie dough with every fabric of my being, and it’s only MORE delicious in its ice cream form.
Interesting fact: Christina Aguilera actually wrote the early 2000’s song, I Turn To You, about cookie dough ice cream. I mean look at the original lyrics.
When I need a friend,
You’re always on my side…chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
Giving me faith
taking me through the night with your cookie dough chunks.
For a shield of cookie dough from the storm,
For a chocolate chip friend, for an ice cream love
to keep me safe and warm though kind of cold because you’re ice cream.
I turn to you.
For the strength to be strong,
For the will to carry on
For everything you do,
for everything that’s true
I turn to you, cookie dough ice cream.
Her manager actually made her cut out the references to chocolate chip cookie dough because he worried it would make the song too polarizing. Christina, being young, took his advice. She says to this day, it’s one of her biggest regrets. I know all of this, of course, because I’m taking her online master class to become a famous singer, and she shares wisdom and stories like this all the time.
Rating: 12,000 women scream for ice cream. The screaming never ceases. There’s nothing in their minds but the hunt for cold, sugar pleasure. They roam the woods, the streets, the fields, and they search for ice cream. More and more. There’s never enough to satisfy them. They march and they scream. No one knows where they came from. All we know is that we make the ice cream all the time. And pray when and if they come that it will distract them long enough for us to run and hide. They get angry if you have no ice cream. You do not want to see the ice cream walkers when you’ve run out of it. They will turn on you and then they will turn you into one of them. Cursed to walk the earth forever, neither alive nor dead, searching for the good stuff.
