Unleash Your Inner Beautiful Loser With These Classic ‘Joe Dirt’ Quotes

Joe Dirt is the story of a middle-aged drifter who’s been looking for his family ever since they left him at the Grand Canyon when he was 8. With his signature mullet and love of all things rock ‘n’ roll, Joe hits the road and meets a bunch of interesting characters along the way.

We’re not here to convince you that Joe Dirt is a piece of impeccable cinematic history. But we are here to remind you of some of the good laughs it fostered with these memorable quotes. Look through some fan favorites as you get ready for the sequel, Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser.

“You wanna fight? Why don’t you stick your head up my butt and fight for air.” – Joe

It’s not fair to pick a fight with the kid that can’t do anything back. But it can sure be entertaining as hell to watch when they say things like this. Joe Dirt was everyone’s doormat and his horrible comebacks probably played a role in why.

“You’re gonna stand there, owning a fireworks stand, and tell me you don’t have no whistling bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don’ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistling kitty chaser?” – Joe

No one goes to fireworks shows to see sparklers – they want explosions and bright lights. So Joe has a point when he tells Kicking Wing to expand his inventory. But Wing may have a hard time getting some of Joe’s recommendations because I’m pretty sure half of it doesn’t exist.

“No, afraid not. That just a big ol’ frozen chunk of poopy.” – Meteor Bert

Who said Joe Dirt was too good for poop jokes? They’re some of the movie’s best moments! Feeling like he’s without a friend in the world, Joe befriends what he thinks is a meteorite. He shows it the way of the world and even shares fast food with it, only to later find out that it’s a giant frozen ball of poop.

“I got the poo on me!” – Joe

And here we have poop joke number two. In this scene, Joe tries to hold a group of people hostage with an old atom bomb, which turns out to really be an oddly shaped septic tank with a misplaced bio-hazard sticker.

“To tell you the truth, brother, between you and me. The thing with the dog is coming off a little fruity. That’s just me talking.” – Joe

Taking its inspiration from The Silence of the Lambs, Joe gets himself in a hole that he can’t dig himself out of – literally — in the above scene. And looking down from the top of this hole is Buffalo Bill, a serial killer that plans to wear his skin “like a Joe Dirt trench coat.” Disturbing as it may be, Buffalo Bill’s interactions with his dog shouldn’t be Joe’s most immediate concern here.

“Home is where you make it!” – Old man

Not only is this an important life lesson, but we learn that Joe’s supportive of all lifestyles. He also has selective hearing.

“You’re talking to me all wrong. It’s the wrong tone. You do it again and I’ll stab you in the face with a soldering iron. Hey, tell me, does your mother sew? BOOM. Get her to sew that!” – Clem

What’s the point of having Christopher Walken in a movie if he’s not channeling his inner machismo and/or dancing? Even as a janitor in witness protection, you can take the gangster out of the business, but you can’t take the business out of the gangster.

“You just said your sister’s hot! What a fuh-reak! You’re going to hell, man!” – Joe

This entire movie is about Joe living up to trailertrash stereotypes. Just in case you didn’t catch that, him making out with his sister put it out there, front and center.

“I like getting hit with hot dogs, it don’t bother me none!” – Joe

In order for reverse psychology to work, the user has to be the smart one in the equation. When it comes to Joe Dirt and a room full of elementary-school kids, it’s pretty clear who’s favored in the intelligence department. Hint: They don’t have mullets.

Now, this ain’t no flapjack, so I’m gonna be real careful, I won’t look.” – Joe

It’s always nice to see a “when boy meets girl” story. But this unique version in Joe Dirt involves a dog’s testicles and a frozen porch. Joe and Brandy should have the best “this is how we met” story at any party.

“There are three rules when dealing with a deadly alligator. And yes, they are deadly, don’t kid yourself. Rule number one, I’m number one. You hear that? I like to kid around. Rule two, the croc’s number two. Now before I begin…” – Joe Dirt

Perhaps the most quotable line from the movie. Joe Dirt is superior to all, except basic arithmetic. If confidence counts for anything, Joe had a bright future as a crocodile expert.