Unless you have kids or you’re the type of masochist who sees every new movie in theaters, you have probably never heard of Arctic Dogs. Well, here is everything you need to know — and I use the word “need” extremely loosely — about Arctic Dogs.
1. It’s a computer-animated movie about arctic dogs, but also based on this poster featuring animals other than dogs, arctic or otherwise, not really?
2. It stars the problematic trio of Jeremy Renner, James Franco, and Alec Baldwin.
3. It had a historically bad opening weekend at the box office.
Arctic Dogs — which follows Swifty the Arctic Fox (Renner) as he tries to stop Otto Von Walrus’ (John Cleese) “villainous plan to drill beneath the snow-packed surface to unleash masses of ancient gas to melt the Arctic and become the world’s supreme ruler” — debuted in 2,844 theaters this weekend and made $3.1 million. That’s a per-screen average of $1,090, and according to Forbes, “no movie in the history of cinema has premiered in that many theaters on opening weekend and had that poor of a showing. And it gets even worse when you consider the film’s $50 million budget.” I guess Lemmy, a scatterbrained albatross voiced by James Franco, will not be the next Forky.
Here’s the trailer for Arctic Dogs, to prove it’s a movie that exists.
Still not convinced? Maybe this video of Jeremy Renner singing the Arctic Dogs theme song “Believer” (chorus: “I wanna make you a believer / I’m on my way, I won’t be late / I wanna make you a believer / Carry the weight, make you believe it”) will help.
And the Academy Award for Best Original Song goes to…