The whole point of making movies is to entertain people. Sometimes I worry that we lose sight of that. There’s room for serious movies, obviously. Serious movies are great and can be entertaining in their own way. The problem is that these kinds of heavy and depressing movies are often the only ones that get recognized come Oscars time. That doesn’t seem right. The people should have a voice in this. People like me, who haven’t seen any of the nominated films. And that is why I think this is the year to start to thinking outside the box. Shake things up a little. And after quite a bit of deliberation (like 45 seconds over lunch), I think I have come up with a solution that will please everyone.
We should give the Best Picture Oscar to the 1998 Wesley Snipes movie Blade.
Oh, I’m sure it’ll tick off those coastal elitist snobs out in Hollyweird. I can practically hear them now, crying into their $15 vegan soy half-caff locally sourced poutaccinos.
“Ooo but what about La La Land, a movie that attempted to bring back the magic of yesteryear’s musicals?”
“It should go to Moonlight because Moonlight was so poignant and powerful, especially in the current political climate.”
“But wasn’t Blade released almost two decades ago and therefore not even eligible for the Oscar this year?”
Maybe instead of all that complaining, these beanie-wearing scarfsters should look at the facts. Did any of this year’s nominees star Wesley Snipes as a half-vampire, half-human Daywalker who busts into discos owned by techno-loving vampires and slashes them to pieces with a giant sword? No. Did any of the characters in Manchester By the Sea hunt the undead while striding around town in a full-length leather duster, even though that seems like a kind of impractical wardrobe choice if you’re preparing for hand-to-hand combat against dozens of adversaries in the darkened streets? Probably not. Wouldn’t La La Land have been at least 20-30 percent more interesting if we replaced Ryan Gosling with a bloodthirsty evil millionaire vampire played by Stephen Dorff? Clearly.
Go through those a few times and spot a single lie. I’ll be over here chanting the movie’s tagline until you’re ready to continue.
And it’s not just that that the 1998 movie Blade deserves the 2017 Best Picture Oscar (which it does, as we’ve discussed). It’s also that it would send a message to all the suits in Tinseltown. The era of the prestige-y Oscar bait movie is over. You’re gonna need to do more than have someone pretend to be sad for two hours or tell a fascinating story about a character growing and overcoming obstacles in a way that both uplifts the audience and makes them think about their place in society as a whole, you no-account kale smoothie drinkers. We just gave Blade the Oscar! What now?! Don’t feel so special anymore, do you?
And when we give Blade the Oscar, as Cate Blanchett or whoever opens the envelope and gasps in shock upon seeing the name of a write-in candidate that opened when “The Boy Is Mine” by Brandy and Monica was topping the charts, we’ll look up to the ceiling and… what? Is… is that Wesley Snipes and Stephen Dorff? Rappelling from the rafters of the ballroom? In their full wardrobe from the movie? Have… they been up the the whole time, from before the ceremony started until this very moment? It is and they have! And they’re the only “hidden figures” taking home the trophy tonight. Surprise! How does that taste, you showbiz California snobs? Probably about as good as your precious, uh…
[scans up and realizes “soy-type coffee drink” and “kale” have already been used in dismissive comments about the lifestyles of people in the movie business, and does not know any other foods that work as insults]
… gourmet… cheese… burgers? Wait. Dammit. No, you shut up. Stop laughing at me. You won’t be laughing when Blade wins the Oscar. I’ll be the one who is laughing. At you! Then you’ll be sorry! You’ll all be sorry!