With the exception of “Jackpot” (he co-wrote it), Bruce Willis covered a number of bluesy tracks back in the late ’80s in an attempt to capitalize on his budding fame as a movie star. While it’s not considered a masterwork in any sense, his star power was able to carry this musical beast to No. 14 on the Billboard 200, a feat that’s commendable, considering he’s made such classics like Hudson Hawk and Surrogates.
All jokes aside, Willis is a Hollywood legend. It’s his 60th birthday today, and he brought us the greatest action film of all-time: Die Hard. His The Return of Bruno album, though? We could have done without. Here are Bruce Willis’ fictional characters reviewing Bruce Willis’ 1987 album.
1. Comin’ Right Up
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNxBYySKF3o
What Bruce said about it: “…What the f*ck are you doing? How the f*ck did you get into this sh*t?” — John McClane, Die Hard
2. Respect Yourself
What Bruce said about it: “Sure, sure, I know… it just happened. Coulda happened to anybody.” — Joe Hallenbeck, The Last Boy Scout
3. Down in Hollywood
What Bruce said about it: “I don’t think this is right. This is not a dream. This is a nightmare!” — Ernest Menville, Death Becomes Her
4. Young Blood
What Bruce said about it: “Listen, you fail, I cover your ass. I fail, you cover my ass!” — John McClane, Die Hard with a Vengeance
5. Under the Boardwalk
What Bruce said about it: “It’s not that bad…” — Frank Moses, RED
6. Secret Agent Man
What Bruce said about it: “I’m just an ordinary man.” — David Dunn, Unbreakable
7. Jackpot (Bruno’s Bop)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahy9Y5LPhVk
What Bruce said about it: “Free association writing is when you take a pencil in your hand, and you put the pencil to a piece of paper, and you start writing. You don’t look at or think about what you’re writing.” — Malcolm Crowe, The Sixth Sense
8. Fun Time
What Bruce said about it: “You motherf*cker, I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna f*ckin’ cook you, and I’m gonna f*cking eat you!” — John McClane, Die Hard
9. Flirting with Disaster
What Bruce said about it: “Keep moving, cheese dick.” — Malcolm Crowe, The Sixth Sense
