Chevy Chase is more than just a comedic actor, he’s a misery wizard whose brand of scathing and caustic quips and actions have become the stuff of legend. Once considered to be a personality on the cusp of greatness — on TV and in film — Chase has essentially blackballed himself from the spotlight through continually setting fire to every relationship he has come across in the world of entertainment.
For those who wish to learn a thing or two from the master of self-destructive social skills, please allow Professor Chevy Chase to be your guide to the unemployment line with this blueprint for becoming the most hated person in your workplace.
1.) Alienate Your Peers
You may look at this step and immediately think that a properly executed, off-color hazing will do the trick. The lady a few cubicles down from you, for instance, may have a steady routine of going to the bathroom more often than your other co-workers. Eschewing the fact that she has IBS and is embarrassed about her frequent trips to the crapper, you might create a cardboard timeline of every time she drops a load, complete with fecal shaped embellishments, and pictures to provide evidence. Now, place that piece of brilliance in the break room and relish in her red-faced shame. Not bad, friend, but you can do better.
Chase 101 suggests that you go for the “long-con” approach, not just a “one off.” Let these instances of f*ckery accumulate and intensify with each event of a**holishness.
Some jerk named Bill Murray takes over your position in the company after you quit solely for the intentions of getting laid? Fist fight him. A nice lady named Jane Curtin thinks she can fill your gigantic shoes in your former news assignment? Remind her she’s a woman — A WOMAN! — and that her gender has no place making others laugh. Oh, since we’re talking about women, don’t forget to insinuate that all they’re good for is hand reliefs when you visit your former workplace a few years later.
Finally, you’d be remiss to not skewer the gay guy in your office; he’s an easy target, so just let a few homophobic comments fly in his direction and try to avoid slipping in a puddle of tears when he’s sobbing in the breakroom.
2.) Physically Assault Your Co-workers
Sometimes, sticks and stones are much more effective than verbal barbs, so make sure to allow your hands to become callused, dry and unpleasant to the touch just in case you have to throttle, poke or judo chop one of your co-workers in the event they say something you don’t appreciate or if you just generally don’t like their face.
Professor Chase illustrated this perfectly in 1997, when he hosted an episode of SNL, an episode that would lead to his ban from the sketch comedy mainstay. Why did he get kicked off the show? Because no one can take a joke!
The joke, in this case, was Chevy slapping Cheri Oteri in the back of the head, which seems as effective a punchline as any. One caveat to this step is to not let Will Ferrell see you slap said co-worker, as that leads to excommunication. If you’re not in the game, how are you supposed to provide everyone with your particular brand of misery?
Also, be sure to b*tch slap the new guy in the office for, you know, fun.
3.) Drop The N-Word Whenever You Can
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSaZd-AUzRc
If you’re of African-American descent, this tactic will not be as effective for you, but for those whose skin color more resembles milk, this two-syllable word packs a wallop of offense that’s more distasteful than breaking into a retirement community just to fill an octogenarian’s bowl of oatmeal with a fresh blast of flatulence.
Bonus points for those who justify their use of the vitriolic term by explaining that you received permission from a black comedian who died 10 years earlier (it’s best to use someone who has passed away in this instance, so that rebuttals concerning your authorization of use are not called into question). For maximum effect, blurt out this term in a loud and bold manner when all other conversations in the office have quieted or ceased.
4.) Question, Negate and Criticize The Efforts of Your Boss And Staff
As a hardworking and omnipotent employee who undoubtedly knows the the right and wrong way to execute your duties, make sure that your voice is heard! Tell the boss that he has no idea what he’s doing. Laugh sardonically at co-workers when they present you with ideas that are obviously sophomoric and underwhelming. At every chance, speak with the media about how lackluster your company is.
I just sort of hung around because I have three daughters and a wife, and I figured out I might as well make some bread, every week, so I can take care of them in the way they want … The hours are hideous, and it’s still a sitcom on television, which is probably the lowest form of television.
Also, routinely walk out of the office whenever you feel that your boss is not conforming to your methods and standards. But, beware that the backlash from walking out on your job may include your boss leading the staff in a “F-you” chant during a party. The proper way to respond to this is leaving profanity laced messages on your boss’ answering machine (Prof. Chase’s example of such a message is in the video above).
After completing this sequence, if you still have a job, it is likely that you will never be fired, so repeat each step with increasing intensity. For those of you who do receive their pink slip, do as Prof. Chase does, and proceed to lob virulent comments at your cats in the likely event that no human being will want to be within 50 yards of your presence.
