For those who wish to learn a thing or two from the master of self-destructive social skills, please allow Professor Chevy Chase to be your guide to the unemployment line with this blueprint for becoming the most hated person in your workplace.
1.) Alienate Your Peers
You may look at this step and immediately think that a properly executed, off-color hazing will do the trick. The lady a few cubicles down from you, for instance, may have a steady routine of going to the bathroom more often than your other co-workers. Eschewing the fact that she has IBS and is embarrassed about her frequent trips to the crapper, you might create a cardboard timeline of every time she drops a load, complete with fecal shaped embellishments, and pictures to provide evidence. Now, place that piece of brilliance in the break room and relish in her red-faced shame. Not bad, friend, but you can do better.
Chase 101 suggests that you go for the “long-con” approach, not just a “one off.” Let these instances of f*ckery accumulate and intensify with each event of a**holishness.
Some jerk named Bill Murray takes over your position in the company after you quit solely for the intentions of getting laid? Fist fight him. A nice lady named Jane Curtin thinks she can fill your gigantic shoes in your former news assignment? Remind her she’s a woman — A WOMAN! — and that her gender has no place making others laugh. Oh, since we’re talking about women, don’t forget to insinuate that all they’re good for is hand reliefs when you visit your former workplace a few years later.
Finally, you’d be remiss to not skewer the gay guy in your office; he’s an easy target, so just let a few homophobic comments fly in his direction and try to avoid slipping in a puddle of tears when he’s sobbing in the breakroom.
2.) Physically Assault Your Co-workers
Sometimes, sticks and stones are much more effective than verbal barbs, so make sure to allow your hands to become callused, dry and unpleasant to the touch just in case you have to throttle, poke or judo chop one of your co-workers in the event they say something you don’t appreciate or if you just generally don’t like their face.
Professor Chase illustrated this perfectly in 1997, when he hosted an episode of SNL, an episode that would lead to his ban from the sketch comedy mainstay. Why did he get kicked off the show? Because no one can take a joke!
The joke, in this case, was Chevy slapping Cheri Oteri in the back of the head, which seems as effective a punchline as any. One caveat to this step is to not let Will Ferrell see you slap said co-worker, as that leads to excommunication. If you’re not in the game, how are you supposed to provide everyone with your particular brand of misery?
Also, be sure to b*tch slap the new guy in the office for, you know, fun.