The first trailer for the new extreme sports Point Break BASE jumped into our lives last night. It’s… uh, it’s definitely something. Based only on the 150-ish seconds in the clip above, there appears to be a clear path from the original to this one, and that path runs straight through Vin Diesel. (Point Break –> The Fast and the Furious –> xXx –> Point Break.) Vince already covered the mishmosh of accents and the fact that the trailer for the movie about adrenaline junkies robbing cargo planes opens with an “ancient proverb” (“Ride or die” … Socrates, or something), so let’s come at this from a slightly different angle.
Let’s rank every line of dialogue in this sucker, from least to most ridiculous:
8. “We can get these guys. I just need more time.”
Classic action movie line, but docked major points for not including its natural companion: “That’s it. I’m taking you off the case.” I get that it’s implied here, but come on. That’s like serving dessert and saying the steak dinner was implied. Gimme the full meal, movie trailer.
7. “Oh, you think you’re brothers? Now you show me whose side you’re on.”
Another classic: The old “You’re in too deep!” Seeing as this is the whole dang point of this movie, and the original, and every other undercover cop movie ever made, it doesn’t do much but tell us what we already know. Fine, great. Moving on.
6. “Utah, I need a theory.”
Okay, effective immediately I need to start calling people into my office, addressing them by their last name only, then demanding that they present me with a theory. Also, I need an office. Also also, I need to meet more people whose last name is also a state.
“Montana, I need a theory.”
“Nebraska, I need a theory.”
“Southcarolina, I need a theory.”
And so on.
5. “They call me Bodhi.”
I’ve always liked this form of introduction. Not “My name is.” No, “They call me.” Who’s “they,” you ask? Who wants to know? Why are you out here asking so many questions about my friends? What are you, some kinda narc? You wearing a wire? Well, if you’re not wearing a wire maybe you won’t mind taking your shirt off and hopping in the pool. Just take off your shirt.
Whats the problem?
[everyone stares at each other and begins reaching for their guns]
Take off your shirt.
[you take your shirt off, no wire is taped to your chest]
See, that wasn’t so bad. We’re all friends here.
4. “Criminal masterminds? They’re just kids partying away their lives.”
“Dammit, back in my day criminals wore suits! Look at Dillinger. Wore a three-piece and formal hat to every bank robbery. Really dressed for the occasion. Crime used to be a gentleman’s game like that. Now it’s all these damn kids with their MC Hammer pants and skateboards. Show a little respect! If not for the law, or your adversaries in the cat-and-mouse game we all signed up for, then for yourselves. At least start wearing a tie, for the love of God.”
3. “There’s a few billion dollars of gold down there.”
“You’re going to steal it?”
“No. We’re going to liberate it.”
OMG please tell me at least one of them is a hacker. I’m begging you. Let one of Bodhi’s multinational gang of BASE jumping thieves be a hacker. Just one. And let him be Russian and skeevy as all hell, like the pen-clicking grimeball from GoldenEye. I don’t ask fur much.
2d. “So why not deploy your ‘chute above the jungle and escape like a normal person?”
“Because I’m thinking these aren’t normal people, sir.”
You know you’re having a day when you reference parachuting over a jungle to evade the authorities as something “a normal person” would do. This is good. This is where we really start kicking. The gold I have liberated from this trainer is coming quickly. Stay with me for a minute.
2c. “What kinda people are we dealing with here?”
Wait for it.
2b. “A set of perps with a very unusual skill set.”
Waaaaiiiit for it.
2a. “I believe that, like me, the people behind these robberies are extreme athletes, using their skills to disrupt the international financial markets, and they don’t care who gets killed in the process.”
There it is.
Imagine tuning into CNBC and seeing Jim Cramer in a red-faced, kazoo-blowing rage, screaming about how the Japanese markets are going haywire because of a gang of snowboarding anarchists. Actually… oh God. Please tell me that is in this movie. Please tell me there’s a scene where Jim Cramer explains that a global investing meltdown was the the result of skydiving chaos addicts. I’ll take back everything I’ve said.
Also, that sentence is perfect as is, but if you want to have a little fun with it, try replacing “extreme athletes” with other professions and hobbies, and then thinking about what kind of movie it would be.
“I believe that, like me, the people behind these robberies are hibachi chefs, using their skills to disrupt the international financial markets, and they don’t care who gets killed in the process.”
“I believe that, like me, the people behind these robberies are dog breeders, using their skills to disrupt the international financial markets, and they don’t care who gets killed in the process.”
“I believe that, like me, the people behind these robberies are interior decorators, using their skills to disrupt the international financial markets, and they don’t care who gets killed in the process.”
“I believe that, like me, the people behind these robberies are beer milers, using their skills to disrupt the international financial markets, and they don’t care who gets killed in the process.”
I would honestly watch every single one of those movies.
1. “Bodhi, do you have any idea how many people you’ve killed? How many laws you’ve broken?”
“The only law that matters is gravity.”
“The only law that matters is gravity.”
“THE ONLY LAW THAT MATTERS IS GRAVITY.”
“THE ONLY LAW THAT MATTERS IS GRAVITY.”
I might never stop laughing at this. Let’s all agree to try this line the next time we get pulled over. I’m sure it will go well.
