Ah, children. Sweet, innocent, loving… and in the movies, often creepy as hell. We went through and ranked some of pop culture’s most prominent elementary-school maniacs to see how easily they could take you down.
Henry, The Good Son
The cousin of Elijah Wood’s Mark in the movie, Henry is essentially what happens if Kevin McAllister was brought into the real world.
Could He Take You Out? Nah. The kid’s so clearly a psychopath, blabbering on about death and generally acting like a homicidal maniac, his own mother almost immediately realizes he’s an attempted murderer. We’d be more scared of Kevin breaking into our house.
Regan, The Exorcist
Really, we’re talking about Satan in child form. Still, Regan’s got a pretty impressive body count for a fifth-grader.
Could She Take You Out? Regan’s neither subtle (see: vomit, profanity, shrieking) nor very mobile, so provided you’re not a morally conflicted priest or a drunken film director, mostly all you need to do is stay off the second floor of a certain house in Georgetown.
The Children Of The Corn
Creepy cults are bad enough; creepy cults that worship an Old One who lives in a cornfield and consist entirely of children sacrificing adults to it are even worse.
Could They Take You Out? The Children of the Corn have a lot of members… but they don’t travel. If you just avoid ’em, or drive fast enough, you’ll be fine.
The Children Of The Damned
Space aliens descend on a small English town and proceed to knock up every woman of child-bearing age with a white-haired, creepy little child possessed with psychic abilities.
Could They Take You Out? They’re powerful as a group, highly intelligent, and tough as nails. But they’re not infallible; visualizing a brick wall will block their psychic attacks for a short while, at least. Still, there’s a lot of them and they’re organized; the Soviet solution of nuking them might be the only way to be sure you stay safe.
The Killer Trio, Bloody Birthday
Curtis, Debbie, and Stephen were all born during an eclipse, and something went wrong. Very, very wrong. It’s not explained beyond that why these 10-year-olds feel the need to beat people to death with their toys and strangle couples doing it in a graveyard with their jump ropes, but really, you don’t need an answer, just run away.
Could They Take You Out? We rank it likely. They work well as a team, they form plans on the fly, and they’re good at working the adorable angle. You might see them coming, but that probably wouldn’t save you unless you were quick on your toes.
Claudia, Interview With the Vampire
True, Claudia is basically an adult in a kid’s body, thanks to vampirism. But we’re counting kids possessed by Satan, so she deserves a ranking.
Could She Take You Out? She almost manages to kill another vampire with her backstabbing and only dies because an entire hit squad of vamps stuffs her in an oubliette to fry in the sun. In a fight, you’re a blood donor.
Rhoda, The Bad Seed
Rhoda is probably the defining psychopathic kid. Rhoda starts by beating her classmate Claude to death with her tap shoes over a penmanship medal, and then to cover up the crime, burns her home’s caretaker alive while he’s sleeping. Oh, and did we mention that off-screen, she murdered an old lady over a dessert? Rhoda was so creepy that the movie was rewritten so that she’d be killed by a lightning strike simply so audiences wouldn’t have to watch somebody murder a kid.
Could She Take You Out? Yep. She’s adorable, a consummate liar, and rivals the talented Tom Ripley in improvising ways to kill people. You cross Rhoda, you’d better hope there’s a thunderstorm coming.
Damien, The Omen
It’s pretty hard to put the actual honest-to-Satan Antichrist anywhere but at the top of this list.
Could He Take You Out? The only thing keeping Damien from killing you is dumb luck and lack of proximity. If you see an intense little kid in a bowl cut, book it in the other direction and hope nobody elects him President one day.
But it’s not just creepy kids you need to fear. The boogeyman’s got some scares himself: