Okay. You’ve stolen the original Iron Man suit. The prop, I mean. From the first movie. Not the actual multibilion-dollar piece of flying war metal that Tony Stark created. That would be weird. And dangerous. No, you just have the prop. But still.
What do you do now?
Let’s back up. The Iron Man suit is missing. The original prop from the first movie — or at least “the head, chest, legs, and arms,” valued at $320,000 according to the LAPD — was last seen in its storage unit in February and was reported missing in April. Now, maybe your first reaction to that news is something like “Well, if no one checked on it between February and April, maybe it just got misplaced sometime in March. Or maybe someone moved it for reasons having to do with the release of Infinity War.” Well, I am pleased to report that you are both unimaginative and wrong. According to Syfy Wire, the authorities are treating it as a burglary. That’s right.
Iron Man suit heist.
Iron Man suit heist.
But that gets us back to the problem. What, exactly, does one do with the stolen Iron Man suit?
I’ll tell you what you can’t do: Tell your friends. It’s not even because they’d rat you out. Your friends would never rat you out. Your friends are cool. Except maybe Trevor. (Never trust anyone named Trevor.) But no. That’s not the issue. The issue is that they absolutely would not believe that it’s the real suit. No chance. Especially not if it’s just sitting in the Hefty bag you used to smuggle it out of that storage facility, with no authentication. Think about this: Would you even believe you in this situation, if you were not you? I don’t think you would. You’d think you acquired some decent looking fake at a yard sale and are now trying to pass it off as the real thing. You’ll be roasted into oblivion. I know because one time when I was younger my neighbor Larry told me he went to New York and met the Ninja Turtles in the sewer and we roasted him about it for years. Your mom wouldn’t let a 9-year old boy crawl around the sewer, Larry. Everyone knew you were lying.
You also can’t just wear it around town to do errands. I mean, you can, if you want to. It would be a little hilarious. But you’d run into two problems. The first one is the same problem from above, where everyone would assume it was just a cheap knockoff suit and they wouldn’t believe you if you said it was real. Also, they’d think you were crazy. Imagine a stranger walking up to you in Trader Joe’s and just saying “You know, I’m wearing the real Iron Man suit.” You’d call security.