Danny Trejo’s been splitting heads and turning bad dudes’ torsos into Swiss cheese for over three decades now. He didn’t reach his full killing form, though, until the birth of Machete.
Machete’s over-the-top weaponry and the campy violence that permeates Robert Rodriguez’s movies isn’t for everybody (codpiece revolvers definitely have a niche audience). What the Machete movies lack in believability, plot and substance, they make up for with ridiculous explosions, cheesy dialogue and, well, good ol’ head choppin’ action.
Not that one needs an occasion to look back at Machete’s greatest kills, but with Danny Trejo turning 71 (not a typo) this week, now seems like the perfect time. So, in case you forgot, here are 12 examples to remind you what Machete does best. (Hint: it’s killing.)
Death by glass shard.
Machete is pretty much the MacGyver of cutting throats and if there isn’t a machete around he’ll use whatever’s at arm’s reach. In this case, a nasty glass shard. Never leave broken glass lying around when Machete’s near. Never.
Intestinal rope swing.
Robert Rodriguez likes daring window escapes and used a similar method with Salma Hayek in Once Upon a Time in Mexico. But the main point here is that Machete is really a kid at heart who likes to have fun. Even if that means using a bad guy’s guts to do so.
Knife whip.
On the plus side, this guy was already in a hospital. Unfortunately, there was little doctors could do after Machete was done with him.
Machete becomes a spinning helicopter blade.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jr-ReFsqKBQ
On a creative killing scale this one is clearly 10/10. Machete could have probably just jumped in that helicopter and allowed those guys to live, but that’s not how one builds a reputation. No, they had to die and using the helicopter blade to do so was the best way possible.
Drivers education.
Machete is the worst kind of backseat driver. Not the kind that nags about switching lanes, but the kind who ruins your upholstery by shoving a machete through it straight into your torso.
Intestinal yo-yo.
At this point it should be common sense to stay away from Machete and helicopters. Nothing ruins a sightseeing tour worse than being turned into a one-time-use human yo-yo.
Machete’s death spin.
Where Machete picked up this move is a mystery — ballet class(?)– but it works, and the guy drops three heads with a simple pirouette.
Human doorknocker.
Machete doesn’t take kindly to strangers and this guy found out the hard way by becoming Danny Trejo’s new doorknocker.
Shock therapy.
Sure, Machete could have just given this guy a good chop, but Machete is a man of science and wanted to give a lesson in electricity by transforming himself into a human conductor. The guy’s like a murderous Mr. Wizard.
Seagal stab.
It’s probably fair to say that Machete isn’t a fan of Steven Seagal. Nope, not even Under Siege.
Hand gun.
Machete is all about practicality, so why not use the still-warm hand of the guy you just dismembered to shoot another bad guy?
Motorcycle machine gun blitz.
The iconic scene from the original Grindhouse trailer that introduced the world to Machete. I wouldn’t be surprised if Machete is spotted riding and blasting on this beast somewhere in the background of Mad Max: Fury Road.
