Facts first, via bullet point, because there’s no time for paragraphs:
- Money Plane is a straight-to-VOD movie about a group of thieves attempting to pull off “an explosive casino heist in the sky”
- It stars Adam Copeland, better known as former WWE champion Edge
- It also stars, for some reason, Kelsey Grammer as a crime boss known as “The Rumble,” who growls and shouts through the movie in a performance you must see to believe
- Denise Richards and Thomas Jane are in Money Plane, too
- The movie is literally titled Money Plane
- When the trailer came out last month, I damn near had a heart attack from the excitement
- With so many other movies pushed back to next year because of various virus-related reasons, a reasonable argument can be made that Money Plane was the movie I was looking forward to most this year
So, yes, I watched Money Plane. It was everything I hoped it would be. But I imagine you have some questions about all of this. Please, fire away.
What, exactly, is a Money Plane?
Excellent place to start, both because it is important information you need to know, and because it will allow me to begin the process of posting lines of dialogue said by Kelsey Grammer’s character, whose name is, I swear to God, Darius Emmanuel Grouch III, also known as The Rumble, and who is introduced to the audience, by himself, thusly.
Holy crap.
Yes, holy crap indeed.
Here is how The Rumble explains the Money Plane to Edge, whose character’s name is Jack, but whatever: “There is a legend in the underworld, for those in the know, it’s called the Money Plane. Some of the baddest motherfuckers on the planet are on that plane, craving action, whatever you wanna wager on, Money Plane has you covered.”
He goes on to explain that the plane is filled with millions in cash and “billions in crypto,” which is hilarious, and that it skirts the law by flying over international waters, but most of what you need to know about the Money Plane can be deduced from this truly incredible sentence that Kelsey Grammer — Frasier Crane himself — says out loud and everything.
Jesus Christ.
This movie rules.
So… why exactly is Edge robbing this lawless gator-humping sky casino?
Ah, another good question. The short answer goes something like this: Edge and his team attempted to steal a painting for The Rumble but failed because the painting was already gone, and so now, The Rumble, who purchased Edge’s massive gambling debts and literally says “I own you,” wants him to take down the Money Plane as a make-good.
So we have a failed heist and this whole meeting where the Money Plane is explained… what are we, like 30 minutes into the movie by now?
No. We are nine minutes and forty-four seconds into the movie. The opening credits haven’t even started yet. We really need to get moving or we’ll be here all day.
Okay, but real quick, anything else we need to know about any of this?
Okay, yes. First of all, when The Rumble first meets with Edge, he threatens to blow his brains all over a blank canvas to create a new work of art, and says this…
… and then, right before the Money Plane takes off, we see this shot, which contains maybe my favorite bit of explanatory text ever.
Money Plane Terminal! Undisclosed Location!
I know!
Okay, correct me if I’m wrong, but this seems like the kind of movie where Edge’s character was the best at something, then retired, and now is back for one last job.
Correct on all fronts, my friend. This is covered in a really incredible exposition dump delivered by Thomas Jane, who plays Edge’s best friend and confidant. We learn the following things during their conversation:
- Edge was the greatest poker player ever
- He made a huge bet on something, got greedy, and lost everything and then some
- The Money Plane score will clear his debt and allow him to retire
Also, Thomas Jane smokes a pipe. Not super important but I figured you should know.
So, what, most of the movie is Edge beating people at poker and whooping the asses of bad guys on the Money Plane?
You would think!
It’s… not?
Nope! Edge’s character, Jack, the best poker player in the world, who is played by a man best known for choreographed fighting, plays one (1) hand of poker that he loses after going all-in with a pair of fours, and then gets in one (1) fistfight with the Money Plane’s gigantic co-pilot.
He spends the majority of the movie just sitting in the cockpit and video chatting with The Rumble to provide updates, neither of which involve poker or fighting. It’s kind of great.
What is The Rumble up to while this is going on?
Oh, you know, sitting around his mansion, yelling at an underling whose name is — I promise — P-Roach about getting blood on his terracotta floors, playing around on his… wood-paneled laptop.
Classic Rumble stuff.
Hmm. This is starting to feel kind of like a movie where a female member of the heist team dresses like a stewardess and seduces and then pummels a goon who is twice her size and then presses his limp finger on a fingerprint scanner to get access to a locked room.
I knew it. Tell me some more things about the Money Plane. More bullet points, though. Hit me.
Happy to:
- Because Money Plane was written and directed by Andrew Lawrence, it features other Lawrence brothers, including Joey Lawrence as the plane’s concierge (who shoots a cheater in the head right at the table), and Matthew Lawrence as a cartoonishly mustachioed Texan (who blows his own head off in a game of Russian Roulette immediately after shouting “I can’t lose!”)
- Other criminals on the plane include a dude who sold nuclear weapons to various Middle Eastern countries and a couple just generally evil guys
- One of the evil guys, at one point, says this regarding the rules of the Money Plane: “Rules were meant to be fucked”
- In addition to poker and Russian Roulette, there are also games involving people getting eaten by piranhas and snakes and getting their arms chopped off with swords
There is a lot going on in the Money Plane.
I want to see this cartoonish Texan.
Not a problem.
I feel like we haven’t spoken about the plot much. What else is going on here?
Well, very little, generally, until Thomas Jane calls Edge and reveals that the painting they failed to steal at the beginning actually belonged to The Rumble, and that he was setting them up, and that they needed to institute Plan B, which involved Thomas Jane hooking up a machine gun to a drone and mowing down a dozen bad guys.
Oh man, I bet The Rumble hated when that happened. I bet he was pretty steamed.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Yeah.
How many times do people say the phrase “Money Plane” in the movie Money Plane?
I didn’t count but my conservative estimate would be somewhere in the low-20s. Money Plane is 82 minutes long.
Yessssssss.
So here’s the fun part: Remember the screencaps I just posted where Kelsey Grammer shouted his character’s full name and nickname and intention to take down the Money Plane?
I will never forget them.
Well, turns out he was being recorded. And the recording was played over the Money Plane’s loudspeaker. And then a new game was started: How much longer does The Rumble have to live?
What, like days?
Minutes.
Ahahahahaha
Rest In Peace, The Rumble.
So what, the crew takes the loot from the Money Plane and lives happily ever after?
No. They heave it out the window and distribute it to charities.
So… they just don’t get any money?
Also no. Remember the painting they were supposed to steal in the beginning?
Barely.
Turns out it was worth tens of millions of dollars and they found it and swapped it out with another painting and sold it. So they did end up rich and retired after all.
What did they swap it out with?
I’m very glad you asked.
Ahahahahaha
It’s quite a piece of cinema.
I can tell.
Anything else you wanna know before we shut this down?
I mean, you said the one goon was named P-Roach. Does Kelsey Grammer, at any point, with that Emmy-winning theatrical voice of his, ever say the phrase “P-Roach”? I would really like to hear that if he does.
Okay, it’s settled. I will watch Money Plane.
Excellent. I’m glad we had this chat.
