‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales’ Gives The Series A Confusing Revival

05.22.17 2 years ago 7 Comments

The title of the fifth Pirates of the Caribbean movie (fifth!) is Dead Man Tell No Tales – which certainly sounds ominous, but maybe will wind up being a good thing because eventually, after enough time, no one will be able to tell tales about seeing Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man Tell No Tales.

Look, these movies make a lot of money. But do people truly love them? I think this is one of the great mysteries of life that will never be solved. Because people certainly spend a lot of money on these, but I’ve never heard someone say, “I am a Pirates of the Caribbean fanatic.” The Transformers movies even make more sense to me, because those aren’t really good either (well, like Pirates the first one is fine), but at least those are unabashed spectacles: Sometimes people just want to watch robots blowing stuff up. But these Pirates movies are the Jay Leno of movie franchises: No one seems to like them that much (except Michael Bolton) but it’s hard to argue with the numbers.

That said, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man Tell No Tales is practically incoherent. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around the “plot,” but it’s been futile. I’ve asked literally eight other people who saw this movie to answer a couple specific questions and no one has been able to do it. (I’m considering offering a bounty for the answer because I’m starting to become obsessed with it.)

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man Tell No Tales opens with a young Henry Turner (played for most of the film as an adult by Brenton Thwaites) who is trying to break the curse that was placed upon his father, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom, who is in this movie for maybe five minutes). To do this, Henry needs a magical trident. Now, this is where things get convoluted:

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