Why are we just now making a movie about The Rock doing battle with a group of world-destroying giant mutated animals? How did it take us this long to figure that out? It was so obvious, in hindsight. Of course, there should be a movie about The Rock doing battle with a group of world-destroying giant mutated animals. We should be on the third film in the franchise, to be honest. At the very least, it should have happened before the Baywatch movie. Maybe even before San Andreas. I guess that last one depends on your priorities, and if you would rather see The Rock do battle against shifting tectonic plates or a gorilla as big as an apartment building. I understand if you need a minute to think about this.
Point being: The first trailer for Rampage is here. Rampage is a full-length feature film based on the 1986 video game of the same name, in which a giant gorilla, a giant wolf, and a giant lizard smashed the everloving hell out of buildings. That was the whole game, more or less. And you played as the animals, not anyone trying to stop them. And as awesome as that is/was (you could make a decent argument that video games have been going downhill ever since), you might be wondering how anyone can possibly turn that into a movie starring The Rock.
Glad you asked. Via Wikipedia:
Primatologist Davis Okoye, a man who keeps people at a distance, shares an unshakable bond with George, the extraordinarily intelligent, albino silverback gorilla who has been in his care since birth. But a rogue genetic experiment gone awry mutates this gentle ape into a raging creature of enormous size. To make matters worse, it’s soon discovered there are other similarly altered animals. As these newly created alpha predators tear across North America, destroying everything in their path, Okoye teams with a discredited genetic engineer to secure an antidote, fighting his way through an ever-changing battlefield, not only to halt a global catastrophe but to save the fearsome creature that was once his friend.
Yes. All of that. The Rock is working with a disgraced genetic engineer to save the world from a huge bloodthirsty gorilla that used to be his best friend. I have been waiting my entire life to type that sentence.
The trailer itself is something to behold. Two important things happen right away: One, someone accuses The Rock of liking animals more than people; two, The Rock communicates with his gorilla friend, George, via sign language.
Already a top 10 movie, ever.
But.
There’s a problem. A science… thing falls from the sky or possibly from space. George touches it. The next day he has grown two feet taller and angry and The Rock says, adorably, “What’s happening to my friend?” Enter Jeffrey Dean Morgan, playing the role of Overconfident Government Official Who Has Everything Under Control. The Rock questions him about all of this, which elicits the following reply: “Oh, you didn’t know about the 30-foot wolf?”
No. No, we did not, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Please tell us about th-…
HOLY HECK.
The wolf wiped out a helicopter! It flew through the air! It was… an air wolf!
(Get it? Did you get it? Like the show. Airwolf. About the helicopter. Look, you’re not that great either, okay?)
So Jeffrey Dean Morgan decides to bring in George for research, apparently, and he loads him into a plane against The Rock’s advice. You should listen to The Rock, Jeffrey Dean Morgan. Especially if you are in a trailer for a movie starring The Rock. Bad things happen if you don’t. Like an angry gorilla tearing apart your airplane.
Ahhh, whoops. It appears I have accidentally uploaded a GIF from the movie Mr. Go, which is about a Japanese circus gorilla who is so good at hitting home runs that he becomes a professional baseball player. My apologies. It won’t happen again. Here’s the correct GIF.
Okay, a few things happen at this point, and I think bullet points will help sort them out:
- The Rock apologizes for being rusty at flying a helicopter, which I choose to believe is a winking reference to San Andreas, in which he played a helicopter pilot
- I still think San Andreas should have ended with The Rock pulling the plates back together with his bare hands
- The Rock says the phrase “You have to evacuate Chicago” while “Bullet With Butterfly Wings” by The Smashing Pumpkins plays in the background, which is another thing I can’t believe it took until 2017 to manufacture
- George and the giant wolf start smashing the hell out of Chicago
- The Rock, in extreme closeup, shouts “GEEEOOOORRRRGE”
Why does The Rock, in extreme closeup, shout “GEEEOOOORRRRGE,” you ask? Well…
Hell yeah, we got a giant gorilla dropping a shoulder and laying out a multi-story building like a strong safety hitting a crossing receiver back before people knew what concussions were. Let’s bump this up from top ten movie ever to top five. Maybe top three. All I want to do from now until the day I die is watch The Rock save cities from monster sciencebeasts, some of whom used to be his best friend, all set to 1990s grunge music. I hope there’s a sequel where he saves Paris from a giant panda that he went to college with and “Black Hole Sun” plays on repeat through the entire movie. I don’t ask for much. And I do have a birthday coming up. Next year. But still.
Anyway, perhaps you remember back at the beginning of this post when I mentioned that the video game featured three giant animals: a gorilla, a wolf, and a lizard-type thing. This brings us to the end of the trailer. The Rock is in a helicopter. He looks down. Suddenly…
Ahhh, whoops. It appears I have accidentally uploaded the GIF of the giant invisible snake that lived in an abandoned Peruvian funhouse from the third and final season of Zoo. My apologies. It was an easy mistake to make, though. Zoo and Rampage are both about huge genetically-altered beasts trying to take over the world, after all. And that brings up an important point: God in heaven, I hope The Rock slaps a general while demanding to know the location of a sloth at some point in this movie. Or any movie. Or in real life. Maybe he already has. Too soon to rule it out, I suppose.
Anyway, here’s the correct GIF of the crocodile. The trailer for Rampage might be my favorite movie of 2017.
