The year is 2013. Children everywhere are flooding to the theaters to see Frozen. “Blurred Lines” has taken over the radio. Everyone is doing the Harlem Shake for some reason. And Sylvester Stallone, still two years away from his critically-acclaimed return to the Rocky franchise with Creed, is designing pens. Not just any pens, mind you. No, he is designing a line of pens titled Chaos for an Italian luxury goods manufacturer named Montegrappa.
Now, you have got to see these freaking pens. More importantly, you have got to see the four-minute — FOUR-MINUTE — advertisement for these pens. It popped up on social media recently and I am both thrilled about its existence and livid at everyone involved for not telling me about it five years ago. You won’t even believe this thing. We’re going to walk through it all step-by-step but you have to promise me something first: Every 90 seconds or so, take a quick break and remind yourself that this is an advertisement for pens. That’s important. You’ll understand soon enough.
Let’s discuss.
The ad, like all good ads, opens with narration from Stallone himself. He says the following things:
To have light there must first be darkness
I mean, I guess.
Death does not exist without life
Also correct, although I’m not sure what it has to do with p-
To have peace war is required
Hmm. This one is probably not true because people could just, like, nev-
Oh HELL yes. I retract my nitpicking. No more nitpicking from me. We’ve got the word “CHAOS” in a funky, slithery font and it is ON FIRE and we are barely into a commercial for a pen. I’m in. I’ve never been more excited to see the remaining three minute and thirty seconds of anything. Dazzle me, Sly.
Do we go straight from flaming CHAOS to a beached CGI skeleton that is touched by a brilliant light and springs a magical column from its left shoulder? Yes. Do we have any idea what this has to do with a pen or chaos or anything at all, really? Not yet. Also, shut up.
A giant jet black snake slithers out of the ocean and wraps itself around the column, which has now sprung up 20-feet into the air and erased any sign of the skeleton other than its skull.
Holy crap. Look at that GIF. Then look at it again. A goddamn magic sword comes flying from lord knows where and the skull column springs a bony hand from its peak to catch it and then the whole thing — skull, snake, sword with a skull on it — is covered in some sort of melted golden lava that has also materialized from the ether.
Wait a second…
Hold on….
Is this…
Are they trying to tell me….
Sylvester Stallone Chaos pens had an ORIGIN STORY and that origin story was that a magical skeleton gave birth to a shoulder column and a snake wrapped around it and it caught a flying skull sword and got drowned in golden lava and that’s how IT BECAME A PEN. Freaking HELL yes. From this day forward, I refuse to write with anything that wasn’t created through a demonic beach ritual. Say hello to the TRASH, doctor grip pens. Daddy uses golden snake pens from hell now.
EXOTIC.
MAJESTIC.
IMPOSING.
PENS, MOTHERFUCKER.
Oh, I’m sorry. Did you not think this could get more blindingly intense than spinning solid gold hellpens born of snakes and skulls and set to the kind of music that makes you want to smash your head through a wall? Welcome to THE POWER OF THE WRITTEN WORD.
IN YOUR HANDS.
BOOM.
KABOOM.
FLAMES.
I WANT TO BUY THIS PEN AND MURDER SOMEONE WITH IT.
This is the Game of Thrones-iest thing I’ve ever seen. I’m in awe. The pens are spinning and dueling and bejeweled with symbols of death and I’m honestly kind of shocked there’s not a dragon involved somewhere. I hope when you buy one it comes in a music box and every time you open the box it plays the music from this ad and then Sylvester Stallone says “the pen is mightier than the sword” and tiny flames shoot out around it and then it STABS YOU IN THE GUT.
Hey, that brings up a decent point. I wonder how one goes about buying one of these doom-pens. They look pretty fancy with all the gold and silver and CGI pyrotechnics. Let’s just Google it real quick and see what we can HOLY CRAP THE GOLD ONE COSTS FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS.
Fifty thousand dollars!
For Sylvester Stallone’s golden basilisk pens!
I don’t care. I must have it. I’ll sell a kidney if I have to. I’ll settle for the cheaper $6,000 one but I won’t be happy about it. I want a Chaos pen. I need a Chaos pen. I deserve a Chaos pen. I want to write my grocery list with a pen covered in lizards and bones and swords and I want to know it was designed by Sylvester Stallone and I want it to cost as much as a luxury car. I want to get the bill at a restaurant and pull this pen out of my pocket and watch as everyone at my table turns to dust out of pure envy as I scribble my name with this evil golden monstrosity. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more. I don’t see how I could ever want anything more.
Unless.
Wait.
The ad isn’t over yet.
There’s still time left on the counter.
What are they…
No.
It’s impossible.
Is that…
HELL YEAH, CHAOS WATCH.
