Movies

Terrence Howard Claims To Have ‘Opened The Flower Of Life’ And Redefined The Universe

If you’ve been reading this site long, you know that actor Terrence Howard is delightfully insane and espouses many unique theories about math and physics and crystals, including a firm belief that one times one doesn’t equal one, but in fact two, which he has called “Terryology.”

He laid out these beliefs in a 2015 Rolling Stone profile where he said he and his partner spent 17 hours a day making “pieces that make up the motion of the universe […] She cuts and puts on the crystals. I do the main work of soldering them together. They tell the truth from within.”

The Empire star, one of the few men in the world who could nonchalantly pull off an ascot, hit the red carpet for last night’s Emmy Awards, where he revealed even more of the truths that his pieces of soldered crystal have apparently revealed to him. I had to transcribe this all just in case the clip disappears (what if the government decides they don’t want you to know??):

[Asked whether it was true that Howard was really retiring from acting after this season’s Empire, for good]

HOWARD: “For good. I mean, everyone keeps trying to tell me, don’t say it’s forever, but I spent 37 years pretending to be people so that people can pretend to watch and enjoy what I’m doing when I’ve made some discoveries in my own personal life with the science that, you know, Pythagoras was looking for. I was able to open up the flower of life properly and find the real wave conjugations that we’ve been looking for for 10 thousand years. Why would I continue, you know, walking on water for tips, when I’ve got an entire generation to teach a whole new world?”

“Walking on water for tips…” yes, I believe he has just compared his acting on Empire to something degrading Jesus would have to do. Only in a Terrence Howard monologue could comparing himself to Jesus stand out as the least crazy parenthetical.

MALE INTERVIEWER: “That’s a big remark… what do you intend to do?”

HOWARD: “Well, let me put it this way — all energy in the universe is expressed in motion, all motion is expressed in waves, all waves are curves, so where does the straight lines come from to make the platonic solids? There are no straight lines. So when I took the flower of life and opened it properly, I found a whole new way of conjugations that expose the in-between spaces that’s… it’s the thing that holds us all together.”

Why do I feel like “opening the flower of life” requires a lot of speed?

MALE INTERVIEWER: “And you’re sharing that?”

HOWARD: “On Tuesday, when I receive my star, I’m going to be able to prove that gravity is only an effect and not a force. I’m putting something on YouTube where I will build (?) the planet Saturn without gravity, and build the Milky Way galaxy without gravity.”

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: “Did you say you’re getting a star on the Walk of Fame?”

There’s no more perfect juxtaposition than Terrence Howard’s acid-head grandiosity with the relentless vacuity red carpet reporting requires.

HITLER: Oont tomorrow, I vill unvail my plan to take over all of Europe and grind ze Jews into dust!!

RED CARPET REPORTER FOR CELEBRITY ZEITUNG: Amazing! And did you say that’s a Hugo Boss brown shirt you’re wearing?

We’ve reached out to Neil DeGrasse Tyson for comment but have yet to hear back.

×