James Gunn’s The Suicide Squad is a beautiful garbage dump of a comic book movie that’s so entertaining, so refreshingly bleak, it has mystified critics. A soft reboot of David Ayer’s grim and disjointed first entry, this group of homicidal maniacs and D-list villains that Gunn’s assembled for DC borrow more from their comic book predecessors. They’re weird. They’re bad. And yes, they’re f*ckable.
Now listen here: every comic book superhero — or antihero in this case — can hit it. They’re all world-saving, muscle-stacked, stamina-sporting “pick mes” that audiences can’t help but lust after, just as Stan Lee intended. But Gunn’s motley crew of thirst-trapping scumbags hit the market at the perfect time, on the heels of a pandemic-driven drought that’s made the masses so randy, a grown man in a polka-dot onesie has sparked the erotic imaginations of some of the best minds of our generation: fanfiction writers.
So, what’s left for us to do but rank these sexy slime buckets by using the Scoville Scale — a helpful tool meant to determine a food’s spice level that we’ve now dragged to such perverse depths, even that hot wings show wouldn’t be able to stand the heat.
Here’s our ranking of every member of The Suicide Squad based on how thirsty they are. (If you blame anyone, blame Adam Driver in that centaur commercial.)
16. Weasel
We’re not here to shame anyone’s kink, but we could not, in good conscience, rate this humanoid ferret any higher on the spice scale. Would he make a fantastic contestant on that Furries-friendly Netflix dating show? Yes. Is his distaste for children relatable and, thus, kind of attractive? For some. But there’s a real possibility of fleas with this one, and if you lived through the Great Bed Bug Infestation Of New York in the early 2010s, you know nothing kills the mood quicker than the smell of insecticide and rubbing alcohol.
15. The Thinker
It’s truly unfortunate that The Suicide Squad chose to disfigure the hottest snack Britain’s given the world since the Bakewell Tart, but here we are. Peter Capaldi plays The Thinker, a villain who poses just as much danger to his teammates as to the oversized starfish they’re battling in the film with his heightened intelligence and devious schemes. Normally, those qualities make for a desirable bedfellow, but can you imagine bumping uglies with the human equivalent of the Coronavirus spike protein? In the middle of the pandemic?! Anthony Fauci did not invite Olivia Rodrigo to the White House for this.
14. Savant
Michael Rooker’s Scoville ranking here is firmly in the “poblano” range. (It’s what white girls mean when they say they love spicy foods.) His character Savant is silent but deadly, a hot trope that will most likely make the vanilla crowd lose their marbles. He’s got a troubled backstory: he wanted to be a hero until that elitist vigilante the rest of the world calls Batman told him he wasn’t good enough, so he became a blackmailing villain with unnervingly good aim and a love for hack-a-sack. He’s quirky, he’s flawed, he has waist-length extensions we’d love to post-coitally brush for hours. Can we fix him? No. Will we torture ourselves trying? Duh.
13. Javelin
Now, Javelin’s backstory is one we can root for. A former Olympian, we can only assume this egotistical Point Break poser realized the parasitic relationship between athletes, and the IOC wasn’t worth it and decided to earn his bag by wielding a giant toothpick for profit instead of pretentious praise. He’s a rebel with an accent and a big stick. Need we say more?
12. Ratcatcher 2
The daughter of an odd Batman adversary, this new addition to the DCEU seems to be one of the few characters with some sort of moral center. She’s young and hopeful, and I have a bad feeling she’ll be dead by the end of the film, so really, it’s best not to get attached. But impending death doesn’t hurt her spice ranking as much as her rat-whispering antics. Look, I loved Ratatouille as much as the next millennial but who wants to horizontal mambo with a bunch of sewer rats watching? Find a new hobby and then come see me.
11. Boomerang
Again, the seductive power of a foreign accent cannot be understated here because Boomerang is the kind of grimy, gold-tooth-sporting piece of shoe gum one would normally bar from their personal chamber of secrets. It’s 2021, we must have standards. But, we can move past the very clear proof that Jai Courtney’s maniacal thief doesn’t bathe for the promise of what else he might be able to do with that boomerang.
10. Mongal
The daughter of an O.G. Superman villain, Mongal hails from a planet called Debstam IV. She’s a warlord who possesses super strength and could challenge Henry Cavill himself in an interplanetary cage match. In other words, she could break you in half, she’s hot enough, and your only choice would be to thank her.
9. T.D.K.
Nathan Fillion is the king of snark, an actor who’s found a way to build sex appeal on the back of pithy dialogue and self-loathing anti-heroes. He’s a cinematic power-bottom, and he’s perfectly cast here as The Detachable Kid, a Mr. Pibb-chugging criminal whose only superpower is being able to detach his arms and legs. He’s likely annoying and incompetent on the battlefield, but one can’t help but be intrigued by the possibilities of two sets of removable limbs in the bedroom. (What?! Like you weren’t thinking about it?)
8. Rick Flag
Let’s be real, Rick Flag was a bit of a stick in the mud in David Ayer’s Suicide Squad. Luckily, Gunn’s given Joel Kinnaman a bit more personality in this interpretation. Flag is less jaded, more naive, and definitely funnier here — all qualities that don’t necessarily elevate him from f*ckboi status, but certainly make him a more desirable f*ckboi. You’d smash, but you wouldn’t tell your friends about it.
7. Amanda Waller
Viola Davis is clearly relishing her chance to play a cold and calculating girlboss in The Suicide Squad and her character, Amanda Waller, seems as callous as ever when this new mission gets underway. Her fanatical patriotism is obviously worrying and she poses the greatest threat to every other character on this list, but, as Henry A. Kissinger once said, “Power is the greatest aphrodisiac.”
6. Polka Dot Man
There’s an episode in Liz Meriwether’s New Girl, in which two men attempt to humiliate themselves, sharing their darkest, most depressing truths to satisfy one hot girl’s sad kink. But, if Polka Dot Man had graced that episode, the competition would’ve been over before it even began. That’s because this guy, the dumbest character in the DC Universe, is a walking advert for antidepressants — only, like, before you start taking them and your serotonin levels out. He’s just sad, all the time, and there’s something incredibly appealing about that. It’s sexual kryptonite for the socially awkward introvert crowd, and really, isn’t that who these movies are made for anyway? Don’t be surprised if David Dastmalchian and his multi-colored onesie become the film’s breakout sex symbol.
5. Blackguard
The Pete Davidson effect is real y’all, and it’s catapulted Blackguard, a truly unremarkable villain, to the upper echelons of our Scoville spiciness scale. I’m not proud of it but greater women than I have fallen victim to this particular brand of Staten Island dirtbag charm which is in full display here as he plays a beefed-up, gun-slinging version of his brainless SNL alter-ego, Chad. Blackguard is a fairly forgettable comic book villain, though he’s the only one ballsy enough to unironically rock a purple ponytail. Sans comical coiffure, he’s just another frat bro mucking sh*t up but dammit, Davidson’s BDE continues to prevail.
4. Bloodsport
Idris Elba is a hot one. The kind of hot one Rob Thomas writes songs about. The kind of hot that could forego Instagram for printing out pictures of himself and handing them out to strangers on the street, and no one would say a word. And as Bloodsport, he’s a grumpy zaddy who once put that self-righteous do-gooder Superman in the ICU — the most impressive feat anyone on this team has achieved so far. So yeah, Bloodsport is the chocolate habanero of our dreams. Sorry, not sorry.
3. Peacemaker
Peacemaker may be a lunatic who thinks placing a chrome toilet lid on his head counts as a superhero costume. He may be a bro-ish beefcake who has modeled his entire personality off a warped sense of hollow patriotism. And he may be the biggest idiot on the team, which, in itself is an eye-opening accomplishment. But he’s played by John Cena, a very attractive human who happens to be comedically gifted enough to make straight-guy jokes about penis-covered beaches funny. He might wear his t-shirts two sizes too small, but he knows that starfish is a slang term for butthole. He’s a man of contradictions who is motivated by noble ideals and willing to get his hands dirty for them. You could probably get him to do some freaky sexual acrobatics in the name of peace and liberty is all we’re saying.
2. Harley Quinn
Every iteration of Margot Robbie’s deranged court jester is swoon-worthy, but the Harley Quinn of James Gunn’s dreams is a cultural reset. She’s here to ruin your day and look good doing it. The character is at her best when she works within a team and when she’s not chained down by that abusive clown-for-hire. Harley Quinn is fully in her Hot Girl Summer season here, and we’d happily let her break our knees with a baseball bat whenever she had a passing fancy to do so.
1. King Shark
Here, at last, is our entry into the internet simp-dom of The Suicide Squad’s meatiest snack monster. The Humanoid shark himbo of our dreams, King Shark is both villain and anti-hero in the comics, a creature who’s allied (and fought against) Aquaman, Super Boy, and Task Force X on numerous occasions. Still, humans are his favorite option for a quick bite so you’ll never really be sure whether he wants to “Nom Nom” on your private bits or your more vital organs. But hey, risk is expected when you’re riding for a demigod with a dad bod, right?
‘The Suicide Squad’ streams on HBO Max and arrives in theaters on August 6.
