Remember Troll dolls? That was a fun time, right up there with slap bracelets and Pogs, those wildly popular toys of the 1990s (or 1960s and ‘70s, depending on how old you are) that we brought to school to play with at lunch time while trading our nutritious snacks for Airheads. And then some jerk teacher would come along and confiscate all of the toys for the rest of the year, but we all knew it was because she was giving them all to her kids. You weren’t fooling anyone, Mrs. Rosen!
Anyway, it’s 2016 and Dreamworks made a movie about Troll dolls. Is it an opportunistic ploy to cash in on nostalgia from multiple generations? Is it a synergistic strategy to bring these hairy dolls back to the mainstream once again for another generation to spend dumb amounts of cash on collecting them? Is this simply a script that has been sitting on a shelf, waiting for the right ensemble cast to come along? Sure!
Trolls
Directed by: Mike Mitchell, Walt Dohrn
Starring: A zillion famous people, including Anna Kendrick, Justin Timberlake, and Zooey Deschanel
What’s it about?
DreamWorks Animation’s TROLLS is an irreverent comedy extravaganza with incredible music! From the genius creators of SHREK, TROLLS stars Anna Kendrick as Poppy, the optimistic leader of the Trolls, and her polar opposite, Branch, played by Justin Timberlake. Together, this unlikely pair of Trolls must embark on an adventure that takes them far beyond the only world they’ve ever known. [IMDb]
Are they going to Tijuana? Because that’s the kind of “far beyond” trip that will change a man’s life. Not sure about Trolls, though. Maybe they’ve already seen their fair share of crazy stuff, since they’re Trolls and all. Anyway, if anything, this will be a fun, shiny, colorful film to plop your kids down in front of while you sip wine from a Ziploc bag for two hours, so let’s predict that Trolls will make roughly all the money in the world when it hits theaters on November 4.
Bridget Jones’s Baby
Directed by: Sharon Maguire
Starring: Renée Zellweger, Patrick Dempsey, Emma Thompson, Colin Firth (FIRTH!)
What’s it about?
The continuing adventures of British publishing executive Bridget Jones as she enters her 40s. [IMDb]
I will probably never see this movie, but I hope that Zellweger convinced the writers to make some subtle Kenny Chesney jokes throughout the film. Like, “Couldn’t have been that last guy, the one with the addiction to bronzer and a designer cowboy hat, and who thinks he’s Jimmy Buffett’s cool son, because… you know,” and then she looks at the sonogram screen and the fetus covers his eyes and there’s a record scratch sound effect. That would be pretty funny. Anyway, call your aunt and tell her Bridget returns on September 16.
Assassin’s Creed
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zICTvoJgj0
Directed by: Justin Kurzel
Starring: Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons
What’s it about?
When Callum Lynch explores the memories of his ancestor Aguilar and gains the skills of a Master Assassin, he discovers he is a descendant of the secret Assassins society. [IMDb]
When the first official trailer for the Assassin’s Creed movie was released, people were like, “Whoa there, let’s turn the Kanye West music down a few notches, marketing team.” This new international trailer hears our cries and gives us a subtle taste of “I Am a God,” so you can focus on complaining about how this doesn’t look true to the game, or relies too much on the game, or whatever people are angry about. Maybe it’s that Michael Fassbender is too handsome. That’s my go-to complaint. Assassins start assassinating on December 21.
Morgan
Directed by: Luke Scott
Starring: Rose Leslie, Kate Mara, Jennifer Jason Leigh
What’s it about?
A corporate risk-management consultant has to decide and determine whether or not to terminate an artificial being’s life that was made in a laboratory environment. [IMDb]
This is the second trailer for Morgan and this time we actually get to look at Morgan, and isn’t she cute? Cute and deadly. I’m still getting a huge Ex Machina vibe from this movie, but at least there are more guests at the party this time around. They’re sure promising us some scares with this one, and I’m giving it the benefit of the doubt because it’s not coming out in January. Instead, Morgan hits theaters on September 2.
The 9th Life of Louis Drax
Directed by: Alexandre Aja
Starring: Jamie Dornan, Sarah Gadon, Aaron Paul
What’s it about?
A psychologist who begins working with a young boy who has suffered a near-fatal fall finds himself drawn into a mystery that tests the boundaries of fantasy and reality. [IMDb]
This one also comes out on September 2, and, honestly, if I’m gonna spend my money on a thriller, I’m leaning toward Morgan. I am, however, interested to see how Dornan does with a script that isn’t lousy and a role that doesn’t feature a sex scene so bland that it makes vanilla ice cream look erotic. Fifty Shades of Grey was really bad is what I’m saying.
Voyage of Time
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVyWObJY9FQ
Directed by: Terrence Malick
Starring: Brad Pitt, Cate Blanchett
What’s it about?
An examination of the birth and death of the known universe. [IMDb]
Not to be a hater or anything, but I’d much rather watch two hours of Ancient Aliens narrated by Taran Killam’s Brad Pitt impression. Just think about how that would look and sound and I guarantee you’ll agree with me. But if there’s a silver lining to old Terrence Malick’s Voyage here, it’s that Neil deGrasse Tyson won’t show up and “Well, actually…” us about everything we love. Voyage of Time is an IMAX experience on October 7.
Joshy
Directed by: Jeff Baena
Starring: Thomas Middleditch, Adam Pally, Alex Ross Perry, Nick Kroll
What’s it about?
Josh treats what would have been his bachelor party as an opportunity to reconnect with his friends. [IMDb]
This has a killer cast, with favorites like Brett Gelman, Jenny Slate, Aubrey Plaza, Jake Johnson, Lauren Graham, Paul Reiser, and Alison Brie making appearances. But the Sundance Grand Jury Prize-nominated film has that feeling to it like you go in expecting to laugh the whole time, like it’s the first Hangover, but at some point you realize it’s more serious than the trailer let on and now you’re not laughing at all, like it’s Hangover 2. Either way, this cast makes it a can’t miss when Joshy debuts on August 12.
Ghost Team
Directed by: Oliver Irving
Starring: Jon Heder, David Krumholtz, Justin Long
What’s it about?
A paranormal-obsessed man mounts his own investigation into the beyond with his depressed best friend, misfit nephew, a cable access medium and an overeager security guard. [IMDb]
It’s hard to tell if this movie is a full-on comedy, or if it takes a dark twist toward the end and becomes a horror. I’m very much hoping for the latter, because otherwise this doesn’t look all that funny. It looks like Strange Wilderness meets Neighborhood Watch. A gruesome series of mysterious murders toward the end might make this one a solid watch, especially for those of us who love to see Justin Long take abuse. I’m not saying I have the Dodgeball wrench scene bookmarked on my browser, but… no, I am saying that. Ghost Team assembles on August 12.
It’s Only the End of the World
Directed by: Xavier Dolan
Starring: Nathalie Baye, Vincent Cassel, Marion Cotillard
What’s it about?
Louis (Gaspard Ulliel), a terminally ill writer, returns home after a long absence to tell his family that he is dying. [IMDb]
Xavier Dolan picked up two awards at Cannes and was nominated for the Palme d’Or for this movie, and that’s because Cannes folk love a story about a dying writer. But aren’t all writers dying in their own way? That’s something I’d like to see real filmmakers like Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg explore. World hits French theatres on September 21.
Zoology
Directed by: Ivan I. Tverdovskiy
Starring: Masha Tokareva, Aleksandr Gorchilin, Olga Ergina
What’s it about?
Middle-aged zoo worker Natasha still lives with her mother in a small coastal town. She is stuck and it seems that life has no surprises for her until one day – she grows a tail and turns her life around. [IMDb]
Millennial zookeepers, always mooching off their parents. Wait, she grows a tail? Foreign films are the best, you guys. Zoology is in Russian theaters now.
