09.26.09 9 years ago 4 Comments

People often argue that professional golfers are not real athletes, like football players and competitive eaters. That might be true, but at least they do have to walk the course during competition. Sure, they have caddies on hand to do all of the heavy lifting – lugging the bag around, raking the bunkers, etc. – not to mention those poor souls have to suffer the indignity of cleaning their bosses’ balls (boy, does that remind me of a summer job back in high school – and I didn’t even work at a golf course).

We weekend hacks can always resort to spending the twenty bucks to rent a cart. Usually, you’re still recovering from the 13-14 beers from the previous night, and a cart is always looked upon as a godsend. A nice, leisurely cruise around the course, a Bloody Mary (or three) to wash the taste of weed and hooker spit out of your mouth and you’re good to go. You’re already going to take 100 swings (at least), why exert yourself any further?

The problem is America is getting lazier – and fatter. Thankfully, there was a company out there that realized there was a void in golfing technology for the cross section of golfers who are either morbidly obese or happen to be an obnoxiously lazy hipster and stepped up to the challenge: introducing the Mantsy Golf Caddy, the machine that is half Segway, half push cart. These days, who has the energy to repeatedly climb in and out of a golf cart over and over again? Wouldn’t you rather hop on your Golf Caddy and scoot on down the fairway in style?

Where this little putt-putter differs is in having four wheels, which tends to be a comfortingly large number for the sort of folk who can’t be bothered to (or just plain can’t) walk when golfing. And this is definitely targeted at golfers, with the official announcement set for the Golf Europe fair in Berlin this Sunday. The machine comes with turf-saving tires (whatever those are), 18 kilometers per hour top speed, a range of 36 holes, and holders for scorecards, cups, balls and tees. via.

Lookin’ good, Beau! Ya douche. And what was up with that music? Was I watching a demonstration of golf equipment or a late ’90s porno?

Despite my condescending attitude, that thing is ten kinds of awesome. But wait – I’m neither morbidly obese nor an obnoxious, lazy hipster. Or am I? Man, I really need to take a good look at myself in the mirror – which I would, but it’s all the way over on the other side room. Also.

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