02.05.10 8 years ago 17 Comments

I don’t know if she’s using her real name these days, but The Stater Wife has been scouring the eBays for some time. Today, she indulges us with a WL guest post to bring her special brand of thoughtfulness. See more of her work at Black and Gold Tchotchkes.

As of right now, we are less than 72 hours away from Super Bowl XLIV and I want you to remember just one thing going into these final moments before kickoff.

Don’t be the a-hole at a Super Bowl party.

Are you a Vikings fan who just watched your best shot at a Super Bowl in thirty years get pissed away with yet another gunslinger-INT? A Chargers fan stuck with Norv Turner? Some random chickadee Mark Sanchez put his penis in? Upset that this isn’t “your” weekend?

No one cares about your pain and suffering. Do not be an a-hole this weekend.

Huge Saints fan with a Fleur-de-Lis tattooed on your ass? Find Austin Collie charismatic and engaging, and would follow him into an open pit of fire and fireproof cobras?

Win or lose, you don’t get to be an a-hole until after the game is over.

I don’t want to hear about how you’re the biggest football fan, how you and your friends have watched the full slate of NFL Sunday Tickets games for the past ten years, or how you haven’t missed watching a Philadelphia Eagles game in twenty-seven years, or even how you manage to juggle eighteen keeper-league fantasy football teams year after year, and no one loves football more than you do in your ratty Urlacher jersey.

Guess what, Sport? Like the rest of us, you have to share this weekend with bandwagoning-IT’S GOOD FOR NEW ORLEANS-Saints supporters, single women screeching “MY PEY-TON” like it’s some sort of mating call, and well-meaning hosts who just like an excuse to throw a party. Perhaps you are a bandwagoning Saints fan, or trying to get laid, or are wondering why you let all these people into your home to drink all your booze and are having some serious second thoughts now that you are faced with all of these savages? Too late now, everyone is crammed around the same television, so take a breath and remind yourself, don’t be an a-hole.

Granted, it’s not easy not being an asshole. At any given gathering, there are usually three types of assholes; elitist assholes, poser assholes, and blasé assholes. Throw in the extra stress of watching the Super Bowl (which is right up there with Christmas and New Years Eve for tension), and anyone can accidentally become an asshole without knowing it. Let’s examine each asshole, map out the asshole warning signs and work on our asshole coping-strategies for Sunday.

The Blasé Asshole

In my mind, this is the worst type of asshole, especially while watching the Super Bowl. (As a matter of fact, if you want to go ahead and cut-and-paste this section out of this piece and post it on your football-hating friend’s Facebook page or their Formspring account so none of us have to deal with this type of asshole on Sunday, please go ahead and take one for the team. We’ll all be your new friends.) Some blasé assholes are there because they want to go to a Super Bowl party to watch the game — or at least pretend to — so they can feel like they’re taking part in a huge cultural phenomenon, even if they don’t care about the NFL. Other blasé assholes are there for the free food, a chance get out of the house, and maybe — just maybe — the game will be a blowout and everyone will want to play Mario Kart instead of watching football.

Warning signs of a blasé asshole –

Sets up the poker table during the pregame and asks if anyone is “in” during each break in the action.

Keeps talking up your boyfriend.

Only brings a six back of beer.

“Forget” their wallets when the betting squares come out, even though they’re sitting at the poker table.

Complain about how late the game is running before halftime.

Plants themselves in front of the buffet and never moves.

Keeps talking up your girlfriend.

Rolls their eyes when the cheering gets too loud.

Brings a bowl of mashed potatoes just to put their dick in the potatoes.

Brings Andy Dick.

Will try to engage the room in a healthy debate about abortion after the Tim Tebow Focus on Family ad.

What to do if you are a blasé asshole –

Stay home and sort your yarn collection.

What to if faced with a blasé asshole –

Ignore them. They bring nothing to the table and will most likely try to steal at least one or two of your jokes so they can repeat them the next day at work.

The Poser Asshole

Most football fans have a hard time with poser assholes because they make a mockery of the time and effort it takes to be a full time fan of football. Often disguised as true fans, it might be a good three or four minutes before you realize you’re talking to a poser asshole who just learned the names of the Colts’ receivers and oh my God can you believe what is going on with Marvin Harrison and well let me tell you what I think of perfect records SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Next thing you know you have a shadow for the rest of the night because you seem to have accepted them into your tribe, which makes it incredibly awkward later on when people start to ask, “Hey, who brought that asshole?” Do not take responsibility for them and instead blame whomever is in the bathroom for inviting the poser asshole.

Warning signs of a poser asshole –

Tags still on their shiny new Saints jacket. (I saw this last year at a Super Bowl party. Thankfully it was Cards gear.)

Stealthy glances at their iPhones to Google players names.

Hopping between multiple Super Bowl parties.

Will change rooting interest during the course of the game to the side that looks like it’s having more fun.

Shushes people during the commercials because, “They’re just as much a part of the Super Bowl as the actual game.”

What to do if you are a poser asshole –

Know your limits! It does not matter if it’s talking about quarterback ratings, nickle defense or Michael Irvin’s troubles with the law, you will be schooled by someone who knows more about the topic than you do. Stick to cheering, drinking, and not blocking the TV.

What to do if faced with a poser asshole –

Personally, I don’t mind poser assholes. Odds are that in their effort to pass themselves off as an uber-fan, they’ll over-compensate in other ways, either bringing an extra bottle of gin and two bags of ice or offering to stay and clean up after everyone leaves. If the game goes south for “their” team, it really doesn’t get them down so there is little chance they’ll punch a hole in the kitchen wall. Humor the poser asshole for as long as possible, but know when you’re about to snap and become our last type of asshole…

The Elitist Asshole

Super Bowl weekend can be the hardest 48 hours of the year for any hardcore football fan without a team in the championship. Jealousy, anger, hate, resentment, schadenfreude, bitterness, hopelessness; those are the feelings of most devoted football fans this weekend. (Especially for Browns and Redskins fans.) And all of these powerful negative emotions are enough to put even the most well-balanced football fans on edge, a ticking time-bomb of pent up rage just waiting for the perfect moment to snap in a room full of blasé assholes and poser assholes.

Do not be fooled, the serious football fan is not the only elitist asshole in the room. There is a considerable Venn-diagram overlap between blasé, poser, and the elitist assholes.

Warning signs of an elitist asshole –

Looks for any opportunity to make the poser asshole look bad.

Camps out in front of the TV for the entire game and will yell out stats about every player after every play.

Yells at people for only marginally paying attention to the game because they heard them mention “American Idol” from across the room.

Hates the Saints, hates the Colts, hates all of the other guests, hates the dip, and hates everyone else’s opinion about the game.

Talks about how their favorite other sport is better than “American football”.

Reads aloud what they believe are to be funny Tweets from @RainnWilson and @azizansari about the Super Bowl during the Super Bowl.

Talks about how The Who didn’t make a single good record after Keith Moon died, and refusing to believe there were any decent songs on Face Dances or It’s Hard.

Complains about how the Super Bowl has been ruined for the “real” fans.

What to do if you are an elitist asshole –

Drink enough to have a good time, but not so much you become hostile in your opinions. Look for an attractive poser asshole to impress and possibly bed.

What to do if faced with an elitist asshole –

Do not feed their fire if revved up about something. Better to walk away quietly than get into a shouting match. Conversely, complimenting them on their ability to call a play before the snap or their in-depth knowledge of The Faces/Who connection will stroke their ego enough they’re likely to leave you alone.

Special note for Colts and Saints fans

You will be forgiven for asshole acts that happen during critical moments of the Super Bowl, but not for being an asshole for the entire game. If your team loses, you can only be an asshole about catches, the refs, and whatever other injustices you feel robbed your team of a Super Bowl championship for 24 hours after the game ends. Any longer than that, and you become a pathetic asshole.

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