L.T. Not Guilty, Says L.T.

07.13.10 8 years ago 2 Comments

Alleged statutory rapist and former cocaine lover incredibly scary, New York Giants linebacker Lawrence Taylor plead ‘not guilty’ to third degree charges of rape, patronizing a prostitute, sexual abuse, and endangering a child earlier today. The most serious offense is, of course, patronizing a prostitute. They don’t deserve to be talked down to, even if they aren’t real people.

Lawrence Taylor appeared in court today and entered a plea of not guilty to third-degree rape, patronizing a prostitute, sexual abuse and endangering a child.

As we noted this morning, the not guilty plea came as no surprise, as lawyer Arthur Aidala had already said publicly that Taylor will fight the charges, and claims he did not have sex with the 16-year-old girl in question. –PFT

Of course he wasn’t going to have sex with that 16 year old girl. L.T. was merely trying to inform her of the damages that come with prostituting such a young, supple, body at such a deliciously rape ripe age. And if that’s a crime, Your Honor, then I have nothing left to say.

But it wouldn’t be a celebrity trial without those overbearing media bureaucrats. Certainly, L.T. would be able to convince them that he understood the gravity of the situation, and that these charges are merely slanderous, libelous lies.

Taylor spoke briefly to reporters outside court, although he did not discuss the facts of the case. When one reporter asked him if he was guilty, Taylor responded, “Grow up.”

Inside the courthouse, as Taylor waited for his case to be called, he was heard looking at the gathering of reporters and saying, “It must be a slow news day.” He also said to a friend, “You’re not playing golf today, are you?” –PFT

It really is a slow news day. Why else would I be writing about one of the greatest linebackers in the history of football’s statutory rape trial, when I could be photo-shopping pictures of dogs? Probably because there are just no more videos of funny cats on the internet.

Never mind.

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