Let’s say you love Tom Brady.
Can you dress like him? You sure can. Patriots jerseys and Uggs are available for purchase everywhere.
Can you sleep like him? You bet. Brady and Under Armour have the not inexpensive magic pajamas for you.
But what if you’re knocking around your home in Brady pajamas and Uggs but you’re feeling down because you can’t eat like Brady and have money to light on fire? Where is the market for you, kind sir or madam?
Great news, because today a place called Purple Carrot announced they are partnering with Brady to ship you meals that the five-time champ really and totally eats for the low (?) price of $78 (three meals per week with each meal offering two servings).
A similar package available at Blue Apron is about $18 cheaper but that doesn’t come with the magic Brady endorsement that will make you … I don’t know, feel closer to him?
This was “developed in partnership with Tom Brady and TB12,” which sounds like it was developed by Brady and his alter ego. Like, if you wanted eat like Batman, you’d say you developed a menu in partnership with Bruce Wayne and Batman, only in this case, you’re eating like a guy who cheated to win at sports as opposed to a lunatic billionaire that usurps due process and violates civil liberties. It’s up to you to decide which is worse.
The meals are “100 percent plant-based,” “gluten-free,” and “flavored with the sweat of Brady after a two-hour workout.” OK, that last part isn’t true, but for $78, the average Brady fanatic deserves more.
One of the frequently asked questions from the site is, “Is this what Tom Brady actually eats?”
Yes! These recipes are either taken directly from plant-based meals Tom and his family have personally enjoyed, or are inspired by the TB12 nutritional guidelines that structure Tom’s diet. The recipes feature fresh, whole foods and are nutritionally balanced. All recipes are approved by the TB12 team before being added to the menu.
Who is on this TB12 team trying to shove plants down your gullet? Is it Brady, Giselle, and that holistic medicine guy that prescribes berries for migraines? There’s nothing on the TB12 site that lists nutritionists or wellness people, so as far as I can see, it’s not impossible for this to be Vince Wilfork in a chef’s hat just cooking crap that he has lying around the kitchen.
This very likely comes from Brady’s personal chef, Allen Campbell, who outlined what the family eats in an interview with Boston.com in January, and let me tell you — I don’t know who read this and thought, “I would pay good money to eat like this.”
So, 80 percent of what they eat is vegetables. [I buy] the freshest vegetables. If it’s not organic, I don’t use it. And whole grains: brown rice, quinoa, millet, beans. The other 20 percent is lean meats: grass-fed organic steak, duck every now and then, and chicken. As for fish, I mostly cook wild salmon.
Can you imagine if 80 percent of your intake was vegetables? Even rabbits think you should work a slice of pizza into your diet now and again.
I don’t know what’s happening in this video, but it comes up when you search “Tom Brady cooking” on YouTube.
This isn’t even Brady’s first foray into gouging you over food, because he released an overpriced cookbook in May for $200. So really, even if the idea of paying all this money for special Brady food appeals to you, the cookbook is a more cost-effective purchase over the long haul.
Hey, if you want to pay extra for plant-based foods instead of ordering from Blue Apron, which costs less and offers things like pork tacos, smoky-seared cod, and miso butter chicken, go crazy. You probably already are crazy, but go further with it.
