As Danger noted on Twitter last night, the last couple of weeks of December must be hell on people who hate lists. With that said, I’ve intentionally shied away from posting any listicles so as to not overload you guys with them — lord knows we’ve done our share at this point.
But there’s one area where my desire to shy away from posting any listicles has been overcome by my desire to vent some deep, burning hate: annoying, awful TV commercials. We’ve already celebrated the good ones, and there were SO MANY terrible ones out there, right? And is it just me or do the worst ones seem to run the longest? UGH! Imagine how awful it would be if we didn’t have DVRs to fast forward through them much of the time! I might have killed myself by now. Anyway, on with the hate…
10. Cottonelle Care Routine
Look, if you and your ad people can’t come up with a clever term for the act of wiping one’s ass and then passing a wet wipe over the butthole for extra measure in an effort to sell more of your products, don’t turn to us for help.
9. Progressive Superstore
Any commercial involving Flo the Progressive Insurance lady is pretty difficult to stomach. Now that the world knows just how terrible Progressive is, her squawking is even more hate-inspiring.
8. Geiko “Can’t Stop”
Every time I see this commercial I hold out hope that something will change and the stupid gecko will get splattered by a cyclist on the Brooklyn Bridge. So much to hate here, but mainly the dumb lizard alternating between a terrible Aussie accent (“Come off it, mate”) and an even more terrible New York one (“This is New Yawk!”).
There are a gazillion scary ads being run by accounting firms claiming they can solve all your tax problems, but none were as ubiquitous as the Taxmasters ads featuring the company’s bloated, bearded, terrifying CEO, Patrick Cox. However, you probably haven’t seen Cox on the air in a while after a jury slammed Taxmasters with a close to $200 million penalty judgment for deceptive practices in a civil case earlier this year. Good riddance.
6. American Advisors Group (AAG) Reverse Mortgages
Speaking of scams, Fred Thompson pushing “reverse mortgages” on old people just reeks of one, doesn’t it?
5. NFL Network “Serious Fun”
If the casting notice that went out to find the guy for these spots called for a “skinnier, less endearing version of Zach Galifianakis,” then they certainly found the right guy!
4. Geico “Neanderthal”
Nothing against Brian Arakpo, but why did Geico hire him to be a pitchman for them? It just seems so random to me. And what the hell is a pancake social, anyway?
That ominous commercial in which a guy supposedly famous for making “outrageous predictions” wants you to go to his website and watch a video he’s made: probably a scam artist, right? Probably a scam artist.
2. Kay Jewelers “Open Hearts”
Hey all you dudes out there dating or married to women with daughters not fathered by you: want to know the secret to winning BOTH of their hearts? Buy both of them jewelry at Kay, of course! (Punches self in nuts, vomits)
1. Citi Private Pass: The Ex
Bros, if your personality is so lacking color that you need a certain credit card to make you “less boring,” do everyone a favor and find the nearest Port-O-Potty to drown yourself in.