Last year, Matt put together a list of the 50 funniest jokes from Charlie Sheen’s Comedy Central Roast. This year, I’m doing the same thing for Roseanne‘s, which aired last night, and kind of like Warming Glow since I started writing for it, it’s not as good as it was in 2011.
That kind of moderately amusing but not really burn was prevalent in the special, which is to be expected when your joke-tellers include Carrie Fisher (who kept making the same “I don’t remember anything because drugs” comments) and Seth Green, whose roasting abilities are about as impressive as his height. Dammit, now they’ve got me doing it. Anyway, there were still some funny cracks about Roseanne — many of which were about her weight and came from special guest Tom Arnold — and here are some of the best.
“She’s one of those rare celebrities so famous that she’s referred to by just one name: bitch.” — Jane Lynch
“I waved to you outside but then I realized it was just one of those inflatable parking lot gorillas.” — Jane Lynch
“You converted to white trash when you married Tom Arnold…All that white powder on his lip made you think there must be a doughnut around somewhere.” — Jane Lynch
“Roseanne, you have the voice of a parakeet and the face of a much fatter parakeet. You know you’re unattractive when Sara Gilbert is the eye-candy on set.” — Amy Schumer
“The last time I saw Roseanne, she was in a Snickers commercial. Because that’s what America’s thinking, ‘I want to eat what she’s eating.'” — Seth Green
“Most of all, I loved seeing Princess Leia strangling you at the end of Return of the Jedi.” — Seth Green
“Roseanne broke into the reality world with Roseanne’s Nuts, a show about her and boyfriend Johnny Argent running a macadamia farm. Finally, a show that combined America’s love of macadamia nuts with their passion for Johnny Argent.” — Katey Sagal
“Oh wait, normally when I roast a pig, it has an apple in its mouth.” — Jeff Ross
“Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?” — Jeff Ross
“Comedy comes from pain, people. Nobody knows that better than this woman, the legendary Roseanne Barr, who was molested as a child. That poor molester.” — Jeff Ross
“Roseanne, it’s been said that you stole Sam Kinison’s style: you’re fat, loud, and you died in the ’90.” — Wayne Brady
“You’re oversized, beat up, and you reek of marijuana. You’re kind of like Willie Nelson’s tour bus. Except people still want to ride that.” — Wayne Brady
“Katey Sagal, you’re an incredible actress. You worked on Married…with Children, the show that changed comedy; Sons of Anarchy, the show that took drama to a whole new level; and 8 Simple Rules, the show that killed John Ritter.” — Anthony Jeselnik (not about Roseanne, but maybe my favorite line of the night; the “uppity slave” one about Wayne Brady was good, too)
“Roseanne, even though you’re a feminist icon, so many men have gotten rich off of you: Tom Arnold, John Goodman, the guy who owns the Cheesecake Factory.” — Anthony Jeselnik
“But here’s something positive: you had gastric-bypass surgery in 1998, and then you beat it.” — Anthony Jeselnik
“Rozilla, stomping through Hollywood for decades, breathing fire through her hairy snout, burning bridge after bridge, her glowing red eyes striking anyone unfortunate enough to look at her hideous face.” — Gilbert Gottfried
“Her rolls of fat swaying and crashing, like a Japanese moonami.” — Gilbert Gottfried
“Why am I here? I’m here to honor Roseanne and because I earned it. The hard way.” — Tom Arnold
“I got Rosie’s face tattooed on my chest, and believe me, it is hard to get a woman to have sex with you when Roseanne is staring at you. It’s even harder to masturbate.” — Tom Arnold
“Rosie, this is true — she actually had ‘Property of Tom Arnold’ tattooed on her hip, which made me the fourth largest property owner in California.” — Tom Arnold
