“What’s an apocalypse?” asks “Chubbs” or “Pumpkin” or “Spittlebunk” during a recent episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, TLC’s reality show about Alana “Honey Boo Boo” Thompson, a seven-year-old beauty show contestant who spits out catchphrases the way her maybe-dad “Sugar Bear” does tobaccy into Gatorade bottles. Well, “Geechford,” the answer is: what you want to happen after watching eight episodes of this show.
We’ve done our best to ignore the ridiculously highly-rated Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, and honestly, I hadn’t even watched an episode until last night. But I had to give it a shot. Why? My pig Betsy ate my Garth Brooks’s Greatest Hits cassette and I had nothing else better to do. The experience can be described thusly: %&^&&^&**!&$*. To call it a train wreck would be an insult to trains and wrecks — it’s like watching The Truman Show, if Truman had slept with his mom, got her pregnant, then slept with their child and his mom’s sister in an oily threesome, got them both knocked up…and so on, until BOOM: incestuous family. Also, everyone’s fat.
To let you share in my encounter, presented by hog fat and toilet paper, I’ve put together a scrapbook of dialogue captions that Honey Boo Boo employs, despite the fact that everyone on the show speaks English. Well, “English.” Let’s meet “Mama,” shall we? Y’all don’t come back now, y’hear!
And here are a bunch of other notable Honey Boo Boo moments:
I bet that boy in the tux gets so much pageant ass.
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