The Nationwide commercial campaign featuring the sexy reverse cat burglar has been running for a while now. The gist is as follows: someone’s things get stolen or broken and she sneaks in to fix and/or replace them. Sometimes she does parkour while she replaces everything. There’s a lot going on there. I think what Nationwide is telling us is that they employ a squadron of leather-clad gymnasts. Seems reasonable.
Anyway, the video above is the Christmas commercial from the campaign, in which criminals ransack a house and speed off in a van, and she swoops in to remedy the situation. Yes, fine, but there’s something else going on here. I have a few questions.
Who is this lady?
Why is she doing Santa’s job?
Where is Santa?
IS SANTA OKAY?
Isn’t that the real story here?
Like, I get it, lady, you know parkour, but WILL YOU PLEASE STOP DOING CARTWHEELS AND UPDATE ME ON THE STATUS OF SANTA?
Unless … wait, is she helping him?
Are they related?
Is she Santa’s granddaughter?
Is that how she has the same Nightcrawler-esque powers to zip up chimneys and around the house like that?
Speaking of Santa’s powers (the chimney thing, the ability to slow time down on Christmas Eve, immortality, etc.), couldn’t you make a pretty good argument that Santa is a mutant, like the X-Men?
Would you watch a movie where Santa joined the X-Men?
Would you watch a movie where Santa and Wolverine flew around the world in the sleigh fighting supervillains?
Would you watch a movie where Wolverine was Santa Claus?
More like Santa Claws, am I right or what, guys?
But seriously, do you think Santa should be using his powers to fight crime?
Do you think Santa has an obligation to use his powers to fight crime?
I mean, he has the time, right?
Even if he’s too old and out of shape to physically subdue criminals, couldn’t he buzz around in the sleigh to serve as a free eye in the sky for troubled communities that can’t afford a helicopter?
Like, dang, Santa, would it kill you to pitch in a bit?
And while we’re on the subject of crimefighting… what is this lady’s deal?
She just goes around waiting for houses to get robbed and then meticulously replacing everything exactly as it was before the crooks showed up?
Isn’t that really inefficient?
SHE HAS MAGIC NIGHTCRAWLER POWERS WHY ISN’T SHE USING THEM TO STOP THE CRIMINALS?
Like, I mean, it all kind of works out for the family because they are able to enjoy their Christmas without learning that criminals ransacked their home and Santa’s attractive gymnast granddaughter showed up to put their presents back using sorcery, but … aren’t the criminals getting away?
Did she even call the police?
Couldn’t you make the argument she’s actually making the community less safe by doing this?
If these criminals are robbing people and getting away with it, won’t that encourage them to keep going?
And if her actions prevent people from learning their town has been infiltrated by ruffians, how will they know they’re in danger?
What if this goes on for months, and the criminals start getting cocky because of their unbroken string of successes, and they get sloppy, and they show up to a house they think is empty but it turns out the family is home, and little 7-year-old Timmy walks downstairs to see what the commotion is, and one of the criminals panics and reaches for his gun and shoots little Timmy?
Won’t his blood be on her hands, too?
CAN YOU REPLACE SOMEONE’S CHILD, TOO, YOU LEATHER-CLAD KNOCK-OFF DARK ANGEL MYNX?
Wow, this got really dark, huh?
How bout we change the subject a bit?
At the beginning of the commercial, did the criminals really steal the reindeer decorations from the lawn?
What kind of Grinch-ass crooks are we dealing with here?
I mean, what are you even going to do with a used plastic reindeer?
Can you imagine working at a pawn shop on Christmas Eve and seeing two shady characters come in holding, like, one plastic reindeer and a deflated Frosty balloon?
You’d probably end up questioning all the choices in your life that brought you to that moment, wouldn’t you?
Wait, are … are these the Wet Bandits from Home Alone?
Christmas Eve burglaries are kind of their thing, right?
What do you think they’ve been up to for the last decade or so?
Do you think they’ve been in jail all this time, or have they been traveling the country going on December crime sprees in new towns every year?
Is that any way for a pair of aging gentleman to live?
Like, I know they’re bad guys, but do you ever watch the movies and worry about them a bit?
Do you think maybe somewhere in an alternate universe they went to college and ended up opening a successful law practice together?
Probably not, right?
Seriously, though, how’s this lady gonna let Harry and Marv run amok like that?
WHAT IF THEY’RE IN CAHOOTS?
Where’s Kevin McAllister when you need him?