‘The Bachelor’ Is Basically Just Satire At This Point With This Season’s Ridiculous ‘Villain’ Corinne

The line between The Bachelor and Burning Love, an actual spoof of The Bachelor, continued to blur this week, much the way political satire can no longer keep up with the three-ring circus that is American politics these days. In the case of ABC’s seminal (pun intended) dating show however, the culprit this season lies in Corinne, the 24-year-old contestant who boasts a platinum vagine and running her family business, despite the fact that she is still cared for by her childhood nanny (more on that in a bit).

In last week’s episode, which now seems pretty tame in comparison, Corinne won a group date by taking her top off during a staged photo shoot and interrupted bachelor Nick by sticking her tongue down his throat nearly every time he tried to talk to any of the other women. This was not the worst strategy as it turns out, as it earned her the group date rose and another week on the show.

Yet that was nothing compared to what Corinne had in store for this week, when a light-bulb moment made her come to the realization that the only way she could truly lock things down with Nick was to have full-on sexual intercourse with him — an epiphany triggered by Nick sending home the only other woman in the house with whom he had previously had sex, Vegas Doula Liz. Or as she put it: “I want to get even more romantic with Nick, and explore each other sexually. I’m ready for that serious commitment, I want that.” This is the third episode this season, by the way!

But because Corinne seems to be an actual woman child who doesn’t have an understanding of how natural chemistry between adults works, she attempted to accomplish this by accosting Nick wearing a trench coat and nothing else, armed with a can of whipped cream, which you can see her awkwardly spraying on her boob for Nick to lick off in the mortifying clip above.

Incredibly, Corinne’s ploy was half successful. Successful in that Nick was definitely intrigued instead of horrified — which let me be clear, he absolutely should have been — that a woman 12 years his junior* whom he barely knew attempted to sleep with him on national television. But it was still unsuccessful in that Nick decided not to have sex with Corinne, since he’s supposedly on a reality TV show to find a wife and sticking his dick into the crazy one two weeks in might not bode so well for that end game.

(*Not to rip on Corinne’s age, because does anyone else think it odd that in a pool of women to date a 36-year-old man, the vast majority are in their mid 20s? In fact, out of the 30 women, only two are over the age of 30. Come on, ABC.)

Oh, but that was just the start to Corinne’s reign of terror in this week’s episode, because here is a list of some of the other things she did:

— Passed out before the rose ceremony, which didn’t matter so much in that she already received her rose for this week (also the first of several times she passed out this episode)
— Had a meltdown the next day during a group date with the Backstreet Boys (!!!) half because of her failed seduction attempt and half because she doesn’t like dancing.
— Bragged to the other women that she still has a nanny named “Raquel” to take care of her. (“Do you have kids?” lol Jasmine.) She elaborated by informing them Raquel performs tasks such as making her bed every morning, “makes my cucumber, and my like, vegetable slices for lunch,” as well as her lemon salad and cheese pasta, and does all of her laundry. But it’s okay, because it makes Raquel happy to do that stuff and really, she only wants to make Raquel happy.
— Dragged Nick away from a pool party into a bounce house that mysteriously appeared in the front yard of the mansion (just roll with it), where she straddled him and made out with him some more. Hopefully they disinfect that thing before kids use it again.

By the end of the episode, the remaining women are understandably about to revolt, but there is a slim to nil chance they’ll be getting rid of her anytime soon if the producers have any say about it, since Corinne is what reality TV insiders like to call “ratings gold.”

In a nutshell, Corinne’s theatrics were so over-the-top in last night’s episode, that this happened and it like, barely even registered a blip on the radar: