The Rundown: Don’t You Mess This Up For Me, Bran


HBO

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items will vary, as will the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — Come on, Bran

Look at me, Bran. Look at me. Hey. Hey. No, don’t do that thing with your eyes, where they cloud over and your travel into the past or future or into the body of some animal. I need you to focus. I need you here with me. This is important.

You better not screw this up for me, buddy. Do you hear me? Do not screw this up. Do you realize how few characters there are in wheelchairs on television? And none of them are on a show as big as Game of Thrones. Even if we expand it to movies, it’s like, who, you and Charles Xavier in the last 20 years? And why do you both have brain powers? Why, it’s almost like Hollywood has a formula, like they say “Ahhh, but if we take away his physical abilities, we can balance it out with SUPER BRAINS!” Super brains and billionaires. Those are just about the only people in wheelchairs you see out there. What I wouldn’t give for just, like, two regular dudes in wheelchairs. Name one of them Randy. That’s a good normal name. This is another issue for another day, though. I just yelled at you to focus. I can’t be a hypocrite on this one.

God, I’m going to be so mad at you if you screw this up somehow. If you, like, turn out to be The Night King or just bungle an important prophecy. If something you do or do not do causes people to get all angry about this show. That’s the last thing I need, people on the street seeing me zoom by in my chair and spitting on me because you messed up Game of Thrones and ruined it for the rest of us. I don’t have brain powers, Bran! I can’t just warg away into a hawk and fly away or peck their eyes out. I can’t see into the future to avoid the situation in the first place. I’m just a regular, very handsome, charming man who uses a wheelchair.

Don’t you ruin this for me. Don’t you mess up Game of Thrones, Bran. Let someone else do that. Jon is dumb as hell. He’ll screw it up on his own if you give him enough time. Just chill out. And try to stop being so weird all the time. I get it. I do. You’ve had a weird life and you’re currently possessed by sorcery that altered your entire mind. That’s some tough sledding. Which you should know about because you were literally dragged around on a sled until someone got you that wheelchair. But, I mean, come on, man. Work with me here. At least try to be cool.

You’re representing all of us out here, buddy. No pressure.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — The Barry Bonds of Jeopardy

Jeopardy Prod

We should talk about the Jeopardy guy. Are you guys watching this? If not, you’re missing out on history happening in real time. James Holzhauer, a professional sports gambler, is putting up numbers unlike anyone in the show’s run. Through his 11 victories so far, including the one from Thursday night, he’s earned $771,920 That works out to about $70,000 per episode. To put that in perspective, before his run started, the all-time single episode record was $77,000, set by Roger Craig. The important phrases in that sentence in “before his run started,” because James has already beaten that number four times. He holds the top four spots in the single-episode record book. He’s won over $100,000 twice. Twice! In two weeks!

And that’s not all. He’s already in second place in all-time career earnings, with his total putting him only behind Ken Jennings and his $2.5 million. At his current pace, James would catch him in about 25 more episodes. Ken Jennings won 74 times in a row over many months to reach that figure. James would do it in under 40 if he keeps it up. This isn’t so much an impressive performance as it as an evolutionary leap.

Yes, sure, he’s doing it in a way that irks some Jeopardy purists. He’s starting with the big money clues to build a war chest and he’s hunting for Daily Doubles and then he’s pushing all or most of his money in each time. There’s a little part of it that’s maybe too analytical and inevitable to be as fun as it should. And it’s not a strategy that can last forever. Someday he’s going to run into a buzzsaw of a Daily Double late in an episode and wipe himself out. He’s on a high wire here. But it is thrilling to watch. And as far as those complaints go, my theory on Jeopardy remains the same: If Trebek says it’s okay, it’s fine with me.

From an interview with Vulture:

My favorite thing that happened with Alex occurred during the post-game interview after my record-setting game. He pointed to the audience, where the next two contestants were sitting. We were going to tape the next show in about 15 minutes. And he just looks over at me and whispers, “Look at them, they’re thinking, Oh shit. We have to face James next.” [Laughs.] There was something about hearing your elderly uncle on television whip out this curse word that was very entertaining.

Two things:

  • Do not call Trebek elderly. He’s a virile as a Bengal tiger. Although now that I think about it, I don’t actually know if Bengal tigers are virile. It sounds goods, though. Let’s all agree to not Google it.
  • I must have more stories about Alex Trebek cussing, at once.

Not joking about that second thing.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — Take me to the assassin hotel

John Wick 3 comes out in less than a month. Are we all aware of this? It feels like we might not be. There’s all this Thrones chatter and Avengers hype — understandable, given the finality of their situations — but the world’s greatest dog-loving assassin is back in about four weeks, too, and he’s bringing Halle Berry and her dogs with him. It’s a really great stretch we’re in right now. So many things on the horizon, each of them holding the promise of future enjoyment, none of them sullied by actual knowledge about their finer points. Just pure, unfiltered anticipation. It’s nice.

Perhaps as a way to remind us that John Wick 3 is coming out in four weeks, and perhaps because someone somewhere said “Hey, what would Brian like?,” there’s now this Instagram post. It’s a fake commercial for the show’s fictional hotel and neutral ground for assassins, The Continental, that also promotes some sort of NYC pop-up Continental experience. Here’s how you know I’m a sucker: This is clearly going to just be a marketing thing, a John Wick “experience,” and probably way less exciting than I want it to be, and yet, as I sit here watching the ad for the fourth time today, I find myself whooping a little bit.

I don’t know, man. I’m easy, I guess. Just put an animatronic Ian McShane in a corner booth with a glass of brown liquor in his hand and Teddy Ruxpin-up a recording of him just saying “Jonathan” in a stern tone, like a junior high principal who is disappointed to see a star pupil in his office after a food fight at lunch. Just do that. That’s all it’ll take to win me over. And maybe let me have the animatronic Ian McShane when you’re done with it. I’m going to set it up at my dinner table and leave it there for a year and I’m never going to explain it to my company.

“Yo, is that an animatronic Ian McShane? In character as the proprietor of the assassin hotel in John Wick? Sipping liquor and saying ‘Jonathan’ every 20 seconds?”

“Sure is.”

“What is… why do you… how…?”

“It’s a whole thing. Anyway, should we do pizza? I could go for a pizza.”

The fun part will be when I get bored after a few months and slap a mustache on his face and program in a bunch of Deadwood quotes. A real conversation starter!

ITEM NUMBER FOUR –We’re all being remarkably chill about Helen Mirren’s presence in the Fast & Furious universe

The second trailer for Hobbs & Shaw, the Fast & Furious spin-off starring The Rock and Jason Statham that someone apparently reverse-engineered from a fever dream I had, is a little too long and probably gives away too much of the plot. I was actually angry at one point while I was watching it. I was like “This feels like they’re giving away the good stuff,” like I was some helpless goon who couldn’t just close the tab and preserve the sanctity of the experience. Which, for the record, I am. There was no way I was not watching this whole trailer. I might have watched it a second time just now.

Anyway, not the point. The point is that Helen Mirren pops up in this trailer as the mother of Jason Statham’s character, Deckard Shaw, reprising her role from the most recent film, The Fate of the Furious, and we’re all being very calm about all of it. Do you realize? Do you understand? Dame Helen Mirren, the classically trained actress who was born to play members of the British monarchy, is Jason Statham’s mom in a series of movies that once featured Ludacris officiating a jet ski race with a megaphone. That’s wild.

Maybe this franchise has made us numb. It’s understandable. Think back to where it started and where it is now. The first movie was about Vin Diesel running a lunch counter and stealing DVD players. In the most recent movie, his entire crew was recruited by a secretive intelligence agency to stop a notorious anarchist cyberhacker from acquiring a nuclear submarine. That’s crazy. That’s just objectively nuts, in a delightful way, and that doesn’t even address the fact that Jason Statham’s character killed Han and is now just a member of the Family anyway.

And even then, even lining up those two things and all the pieces that led us there, one of which includes Vin Diesel flying between Abu Dhabi skyscrapers in a car that costs more than your average beachfront mansion while Jason Statham shoots a bazooka at him, I don’t know if anything is more shocking than Helen Mirren having a recurring role in the franchise. It’s awesome. Helen Mirren rules. Give her a spin-off next. Get her behind the wheel of a candy-colored Subaru and tell her to punch it.

I want to see Helen Mirren drift.

LET HELEN MIRREN DRIFT.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — Look at my sweet Chechen prince

HBO

Look, my feelings about NoHo Hank from Barry are well documented. I love him and I think he might be my favorite character on television. I don’t need to get into all of it again. (I will with even the slightest provocation, but I don’t need to.) I don’t even need to set this GIF up, really, beyond maybe telling non-viewers that Hank is a relentlessly optimistic and sweet Chechen mob boss and this is how he dances.

Look at my sweet Chechen prince go. Here’s another one.

HBO

God, I love him. Look at the joy in his face. And keep in mind that the man sitting on the ground up there is his henchman and that henchman just got shot. Hank doesn’t mind. He’s too happy about what transpired after the shooting and now he is dancing on a roof. What I wouldn’t give for even 30 seconds of his attitude. Dance like no one’s watching, you handsome lunatic. Right there in front of God and Barry and everyone.

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or, like, whatever you want, shoot them to me at brian.grubb@uproxx.com and put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line. I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

Grant:

Last weekend I had a few drinks and spent about an hour watching clips of people on game shows giving hilariously incorrect answers. I’m not sure if this was the best use of a Saturday night but I had a really good time. Have you ever done this? It’s a really great YouTube hole to fall down.

Grant, you are preaching to the choir here, baby. I love game show bloopers. There are a million good ones out there but I think this one is my favorite.

Everything about this is perfect. And he’s not wrong either, if we want to be technical about it. A really loud hamburger would make a lot of noise when you eat it. Boom. Logic.

My favorite part is that you can see in his eyes that he knows he said a goofy thing. It’s like he panicked so intensely that he just couldn’t stop it.

BRAIN: Crapcrapcrap. Noisy food. Crap. Think. Crap.

MOUTH: Come on, buddy. I need some words here.

BRAIN: Crap. Crap. Uh… uh… REALLY LOUD HAMBURGER.

MOUTH: … you sure?

BRAIN: Yeah. Go. GO.

MOUTH: Okay, here goes…

EYES: No, wait! Say potato chi-… crap.

[long silence]

BRAIN: Okay, I can see my mistake here. This one’s on me, guys.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To Toronto!

Toronto police are searching for thieves with a taste for sweet treats after a funnel cake trailer was reported stolen in North York.

The missing Funnel Cake Express trailer was last seen on Friday at around 9:30 p.m., when police say a dark coloured Ford pick-up truck towed it away from the area of Steeles Ave. W. and Fenmar Dr.

Funnel cake heist!

As with any crime like this, there are two possibilities here and I can’t decide which I like more.

The first possibility is that this was a premeditated theft. Some guy or group of guys decided to steal a funnel cake trailer and they made a plan and followed through with it. This is fascinating because, like, why? What’s the endgame here? Strip it and sell it for parts? There has to be a more lucrative scrap situation than a funnel cake trailer. Paint over it and start their own mobile funnel cake business? Ambitious, but risky. Just park it in a garage and have access to unlimited funnel cakes? I mean, that does sound nice. But I just very much like the idea of four guys meeting in an abandoned warehouse for weeks to plan this out and that’s what makes this scenario so fun.

The second possibility is that this was a crime of opportunity. Some guy saw an unattended funnel cake trailer one day and was like “You know what? Yeah. Let’s do it” and zipped right off with it, like the guy who stole that bucket of gold in New York a few years ago, but now it’s a trailer for making funnel cakes.

JUDGE: I know you’ve pleaded guilty and I shouldn’t be worried about this but I have to know. Why? Why did you steal the funnel cake trailer? You were an accountant. You had a nice life. Why would you throw it all away like this?

DEFENDANT: I really like funnel cakes, Your Honor.

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