Imagine a gigantic field, like the one in The Hunger Games, except instead of Jennifer Lawrence and People Who Aren’t J-Law, the battleground is populated with characters from George R.R. Martin’s Game of Thrones. There’s Robb Stark and Bronn and Brienne of Tarth and 14 other main characters (I went off Wikipedia’s listings) from the TV series, and they’re all trying to kill each other — who do you think would be the last (wo)man standing?
Because the wait until GoT returns on Sunday is unbearable, and I need something to distract myself from the knowledge that there are still three days to go, I decided to figure it out. I chose the 17 most fight-worthy characters from the TV show, and going off things that have already happened (i.e. not factoring in anything that occurs in books three and beyond), picked each of their pros, cons, and weapons of choice.
Basically, it’s a Game of Thrones battlefield badass power rankings. Be sure to leave your pick, too.
Ineligible for Lack of Onscreen Fighting: Cat Stark (Michelle Fairley), Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey), Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner), Petyr Baelish (Aidan Gillen), Varys (Conleth Hill), Margaery Tyrell (Natalie Dormer), and Shae (Sibel Kekilli). Didn’t Make the Cut: Samwell Tarly (John Bradley), Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen), and Davos Seaworth (Liam Cunningham), though onions do make for powerful weapons.
17. Joffrey Baratheon (Jack Gleeson)
Pro: Is the king, would hide in a corner until most of the competition has butchered themselves.
Con: Everyone hates him, would be the first to go, susceptible to slaps and cowpies, is only ranked because I want to see him die, painfully, horribly, slowly.
Weapon of choice: Smugness.
16. Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance)
Pro: Terrifying.
Con: Old, more of a behind-the-scenes kind of guy.
Weapon of Choice: Scheming.
15. Arya Stark (Maisie Williams)
Pro: Swift as a deer, quiet as a shadow, quick as a snake, calm as still water, smart as a…something smart.
Con: Is, to put it bluntly, still a little girl, couldn’t overpower anyone, would rank #1 in overall badassness.
Weapon of Choice: “Needle.”
14. Jeor Mormont (James Cosmo)
Pro: Is called THE BEAR for a reason, that reason is he’s one tough son of a bitch.
Con: Like Tywin, a bit too old for this sh*t.
Weapon of Choice: Stolen pic-a-nic baskets.
13. Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage)
Pro: Good at slapping, crafty, can pass through battles undetected, would convince someone to fight for him.
Con: Can’t overpower anymore, doesn’t run particularly fast, can only sneak up on opponent.
Weapon of choice: Miniature battle-axe, wild fire.
12. Ygritte (Rose Leslie)
Pro: Casts self-doubt in opponents by telling them they know nothing, knows how to use her femininity.
Con: Red hair makes her stand out, may refuse to fight because she’s a “free woman” and all, would have trouble killing her wilderness bunk-mate Jon Snow.
Weapon of Choice: Sword, sexuality.
11. Jon Snow (Kit Harington)
Pro: Adapts to his surroundings, hasn’t taken anything in his life for granted, being a bastard and all.
Con: Too emo to fight in your “competitions,” man.
Weapon of Choice: “Longclaw.”
10. Hodor (Kristian Nairn)
Pro: Hodor.
Con: Hodor.
Weapon of Choice: Hodor.
9. Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane)
Pro: More determined than anyone else listed, knows finishing in second place is still losing.
Con: Stubborn, would be the kind of guy who’d get distracted chopping down a tree because a leaf humiliated him by falling on his head, would also be the guy yelling “CHARGE” with no one following him.
Weapon of Choice: His steeliness.
8. Jorah Mormont (Iain Glen)
Pro: Lives amongst the Dothraki in the desert so can adapt to anyone anywhere, good fighter…
Con: …but not a spectacular one, nothing really stands out about him.
Weapon of Choice: Sword.
7. Robb Stark (Richard Madden)
Pro: Owns a direwolf, young and athletic, wants to avenge his father.
Con: Is in lovvvvveeeeeeeeee.
Weapon of Choice: Direwolf.
6. Melisandre (Carice van Houten)
Pro: Can give birth to smoke demon babies.
Con: Can’t instantly give birth to smoke demon babies, would need to plan ahead.
Weapon of Choice: Her vagina.
5. Bronn (Jerome Flynn)
Pro: Killing people is literally his job, fights without honor, as one should.
Con: If someone in the battle were to wear a necklace made of money, he’d let his guard down.
Weapon of Choice: His wit, sharp things.
4. Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau)
Pro: Slays kings, one of the kingdom’s best swordsmen, respects and studies his opponents.
Con: Spends most of his time flipping his hair.
Weapon of Choice: “Oathkeeper.”
3. Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie)
Pro: Ridiculously focused, misogynists of the realm wouldn’t take her seriously, highly trained fighter.
Con: None really, just not quite as strong and ruthless as #2…
Weapon of Choice: Sword.
2. Sandor Clegane (Rory McCann)
Pro: Is massive, seriously huge, no one other non-Hodor human on this list is as big as he is, I’m scared.
Con: Afraid of fire, which could make things difficult when facing a certain someone(thing).
Weapon of Choice: His body.
1. Dragons (Daenerys Targaryen) (Emilia Clarke)
Pro: THEY’RE MOTHERF*CKING DRAGONS.
Con: None.
Weapon of Choice: DRAGON FIRE.
