Knowing what we know, in the year 2023, it is extremely unlikely that somebody will be slapped at this year’s Academy Awards, considering what happened last year. A “violence-free” award show might seem like a no-brainer, but at this point, we simply cannot take any more chances. The industry cannot handle it. But….let’s say it does happen (again, it probably won’t). What would really go down?
According to this year’s host Jimmy Kimmel, he is willing to defend the honor and integrity of the award ceremony by beating up anyone who tries to slap him. This all makes sense when you think about it. The Oscars are so fragile, you see, that even a threat to the stage could send the production into a frenzy. But Kimmel is prepared to take one for the team.
It was recently reported that the Academy is enlisting a “crisis response team” in order to make sure things go smoothly on the big night. But Kimmel knows nothing about that. “I’ve not been involved in that. I guess I’m the last thing they’re worried about,” the host told Variety in a new interview. “I feel like I should at least know what was discussed so I know what I should fear when I walk onstage. But, really, I suspect it mostly has to do with UFOs.”
So let’s say it’s not UFOs, and some unoriginal prankster tries to storm the stage and slap Kimmel. What would he do? “You mean, if somebody comes up on the stage and slaps me? Well, I size them up, and, if I’m bigger than they are, I beat the sh*t out of them on television,” Kimmel recently told the mag, adding, “And if it’s the Rock, I run.” The Rock does love to sneak up on people during award shows, in addition to being a historically good fighter.
Even though Kimmel will be safe from any physical threats, he is still disappointed about his last slip-up, the infamous La La Land/Moonlight debacle of 2017. But he’s not mad that it happened, he’s mad that it was overshadowed by The Slap. “We got knocked down the list. It’s disappointing in a lot of ways,” Kimmel confessed. “If you’re gonna be part of a f*ckup, it might as well be the biggest fuckup ever. Being part of the second-biggest f*ckup doesn’t carry as much cachet.”
Here’s to hoping there is a bloodbath on stage for no reason other than pure entertainment. Movies are back, baby!