Over the past two months, John Oliver has dedicated seven episodes of HBO’s Last Week Tonight to the coronavirus, because, I mean, what else is there to talk about? Not sports, the disappearance of which due to COVID-19 was the topic of Sunday’s taping (just because Oliver looks like a guy who would rather bet on cricket than throw a baseball doesn’t mean you shouldn’t watch). Another recurring Last Week Tonight topic in the at-home-era: Adam Driver. “Step on my throat, Adam Driver, you rudely large man. Break my fingers, you brooding mountain,” Oliver said in one episode; in another, “Sneeze in my McFlurry, you pensive bison.” And most recently, “Chokeslam me to hell, you nasty shed. Jam your mandible claw down my throat, you irredeemable steer.”
But why Adam Driver and not, say, Jason Momoa?
“A lot of you might well be wondering where I’m going with this bit,” Oliver said. “If you’re anything like my staff, you’re asking questions like, ‘Is this sexual or is it violent?’ And then you’re unsatisfied when the answer comes back, ‘Yes.’ If you’re like my wife, you might be asking, ‘Should I be worried about this?’ with your concern only growing when the answer is, ‘Only if you want to be.’” Oliver then wondered if Driver, a “f*ckable redwood” who is also a “big unwashed buffalo,” is aware of his (satirical?) obsession:
“Is he bothered by this continued sexualization? He seems like a fairly private guy who’s generally uncomfortable with attention, making what I’m doing possibly some form of harassment. He might actually have pretty good grounds to have me reprimanded legally. To which I say, do it. Slap a restraining order on me your forlorn block. Beg me to stop, you menacing obstacle.”
Driver should repay the favor to Oliver. “Keep going, you skinny Richard Scarry character come to life.” (Everything Adam Driver says sounds like a flirt. He can’t help it.)