Are you crying into your hands about not going to San Diego Comic-Con or otherwise down about pedestrian weekend plans? Well…
That’s right, Kenny Powers is here to save your weekend. Just ignore all planned social obligations and go over to HBO Now tonight or tomorrow morning to start re-watching the adventures of the world’s greatest flame-throwing relief pitcher, style icon, and silver tongued idiot. Before you feast on the odyssey of Powers, though, let us prime you for the experience with this collection of both Kenny Powers’ most memorable lines and some of his best GIFs.
“When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom, multi-million dollar deals, endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my sh*t. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a f*cking cannon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm.”
You can focus on Kenny’s delusions of grandeur, but I’ll let that last Whitesnake-power-ballad-lyric-worthy line illuminate the meaty jack-o-lantern that is my body.
“Sure, I’ve been called a xenophobe, but the truth is, I’m not. I honestly just feel that America is the best country, and the other countries aren’t as good. That used to be called patriotism.”
Kenny would have made a hell of a Congressman.
“I’ve been blessed with many things in this life… an arm like a damn rocket, a cock like a Burmese python, and the mind of a f*cking scientist.”
This is the sh*t I say every time I hit six-zero on the speed pitch at the carnival before I walk away with my comically sized inflatable baseball bat with the logo of a non-regionally appropriate team on it. The carnies love it. They’re good people. They do have souls, you know.
“I got two hard rules I live by, Pop: I don’t f*ck with the devil, and I never do tag teams with blood relatives.”
Every man’s gotta have a code, but that’s specific!
“This is me every night, dude. Just staring at buttholes and getting a buzz on.”
You could take that two ways, really. Maybe Kenny is just sitting at a bar getting lit on cerveza while staring at a bunch of unsavory tourist types that seem like buttholes. And then there’s that other interpretation that’s wholly logical and Powers-esque.
“Well, it’s no mystery that ass has always been tits greatest enemy. It’s almost like a Muslim-Jewish thing, but with tits and ass.”
Meet the Press need a new host?
“I’m a bulletproof tiger, dude!”
Let’s break this down: First, Kenny has the mind of a scientist, so it’s conceivable that he could splice the sh*t out of some elements and come up with an actual Kevlar-skinned tiger. Fast and furious and unstoppable by conventional means, Kenny would doubtlessly use said tiger to vanquish his rivals and impress the ladies with his mastery over the beast, which would no-doubt look to him as a father figure and spirit animal. That’s right, Kenny Powers is the bulletproof tiger’s spirit animal, not the other way around.
“I play real sports. I’m not trying to be the best at exercising.”
Same! E-Sports, but same!
“I’m just an average American… with extraordinary hair.”
This world is filled with people who will always find cause to disagree with every statement, despite the white hot truth lightning that’s being served to them on a platter. The veracity of this statement, however, is impossible to contest or deny. It’s the bulletproof tiger of statements.