‘Hello, Newman’: Reflecting On The Beautiful Mind Of Jerry Seinfeld’s Bitter Rival

A Superman fan, is it any wonder that Jerry Seinfeld gave himself a comic book rival in the form of Newman?

A postal worker by day (weather permitting) and a scheming problem solver at night, Seinfeld’s devious neighbour always seemed to find a way to evade true consequences whether he was misusing Post Office resources or abducting pets. In short, Newman was both detestable and inspired, so with that in mind, here are some of his best moments.

The Plight Of The Mail Man

The mail never stops. It just keeps piling up, especially on Publisher’s Clearing House day. This scene is a window into Newman’s mind. Which is good, because every comic book villain needs an origin story.

Now we know why he’s always trying to get under Jerry’s skin; his job is driving him mad, and he has to take that rage out on somebody.

Also, apparently every time you agree to paperless billing, a Mail Man gets a little happier.

Interrogating Jerry

It was a great day for Newman when he managed to successfully bust Jerry on a case of mail fraud. The punishment for this was merely a small fine, but that was irrelevant to Newman. The fact that he was able to humiliate Jerry in some way was satisfaction enough.

Slighted By Seinfeld For The Last Time

This scene from the series finale sheds a little more light on Newman’s jealousy toward Jerry and his instinct to try and manipulate people when he tries to lie to Jerry to get him to take him on a free Paris vacation. Once again, Newman goes on a histrionic rant, this time because he was denied what he wanted. So in essence, this is a hell of an adult tantrum. It’s also proof that, in an alternate universe, Wayne Knight might have been a Shakespearean actor.

An Impartial Judge

Once again, we find Newman taking a situation way too seriously, as Kramer and Elaine both claim ownership of a bicycle and he is asked to determine its rightful owner. Newman craves power and authority, so naturally, he eats this situation right up. Taking a cue from King Solomon, Newman rules that bike be cut in half, then awards it to Kramer (his close friend… hmm) because he would rather give it to Elaine than see it harmed.

The Michigan Bottle Deposit

Eager to make an extra buck, Newman goes halfway around the bend in an effort to crack the code of the great Michigan Bottle Deposit scheme, abusing his position at the post office to get a free truck for he and Kramer to run bags and bags of bottles and cans to Michigan for that sweet, sweet dime refund. Unfortunately, Newman and Kramer get derailed by some antique Presidential golf clubs, a fleeing car liberator, and a farmer’s rifle.

The Problem Solver

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The muffin stumps weren’t the only time that Newman made something disappear for Elaine. In the seventh season, Kramer acts as a go-between for Elaine and Kramer when she needs a yappy dog to stop keeping her up late at night. Unsurprisingly, things don’t go well with the dog-napping when the dog makes its way home from the country with evidence. This leads to what is surely one of Newman’s best moments as he nonchalantly opens his door for the cops and confidently says, “What took you so long?”