Patton Oswalt seems to be everywhere at the moment with the excellent Marvel’s M.O.D.O.K. on Hulu and the adorable Penguin Town on Netflix, in addition to production gearing up on Neil Gaiman’s live-action The Sandman (wherein Patton portrays Matthew the Raven) on Netflix. That doesn’t mean that Patton didn’t feel a little restless during the pandemic shut downs, though.
Like many of us out here reading (and watching at home), Patton admitted during a visit to Conan that he actually felt “crazier than a barn full of clown pubes” after about a month of staying at home. This terminology quickly spiraled with Conan asking for followup, and Patton clarifying that he was “not putting the crazy on the clown pubes, it’s the act of gathering enough clown pubes to fill a barn.” He then added, “Please, clown pube shaming hurts all of us.” As if things weren’t surreal enough already, Patton then explained how buffet restaurants are gonna make a massive comeback soon.
“Buffets are gonna come back so hard,” the comedian predicted. “And they’re gonna come back in that defiant, kinda like, ‘Are you a pussy, or can you come eat at the Golden Corral?’ way.” He wasn’t done yet.
“It’s gonna be like, ‘We don’t have any of those woke sneeze guards like those liberal, left-coast weirdoes,'” Patton continued to paraphrase-predict. “‘Come on our here to our [laughs] cough-welcome zone’…. can you not take no-sneeze-guard dining, or can you not make love to your wife?‘” You just wait, it’ll happen.
Also during the visit, Patton pretended to spill a future M.O.D.O.K. secret while feigning the effects of a Suicide Squad-like implanted device going off. (Tom Holland’s reputation as a spoiler-spiller precedes them all.)