Every Episode Of ‘Reacher,’ Basically

Reacher and his team are at a crime scene. It is very mysterious. The bad guys have kidnapped someone important and left no clues behind. Or so it seems…

GUY WITH COOL HAIR: I dunno, Reacher.

ATTRACTIVE LADY COP: They cleaned up the scene pretty well. Almost… too well.

REACHER: Look closely.


NEAGLEY: [holding a rocket launcher for some reason] I’ve got the perimeter covered.

REACHER: [crouches, the fabric of his jeans screaming for its life as his massive thighs stretch it beyond what any manufacturer could have anticipated] Look at this french fry.


REACHER: [holding up single french fry] The crinkle cut… the heavy dusting of Old Bay seasoning… this is a crab fry from Chickie’s and Pete’s restaurant. By the looks of it I’d say it was fried about 36 hours ago.

GUY WITH COOL HAIR: What does that mean?

REACHER: We’re going to Philadelphia.


The Big Bad Guy is in his headquarters. He is very mad. He is holding a glass of dark liquor at 11am. Twenty men with machine guns are standing around him.

BAD GUY: He’s one man.

GOON: He’s big.

BAD GUY: I don’t care how big he is. We need to do crimes. We need to do this deal.

OTHER GOON: I will murder him.

BAD GUY: Good.

THIRD GOON: I will murder him, too.

BAD GUY: I need this deal to go through.

GOON WITH A NECK TATTOO: I will also murder him.

BAD GUY: Millions of dollars are at stake here. I need to do crimes. Go get him.


Reacher and his team are in Philadelphia for their investigation. They are at the Liberty Bell in broad daylight but somehow no civilians are around. The goons roll up to them ready for a fight.

LEAD GOON: [is 5’8] You’re in big trouble now, chump.

SECONDARY GOON: [is 5’6, has a chain] I am going to murder you.

GOON WITH A NECK TATTOO: [has a machine gun he doesn’t fire when Reacher is vulnerable] It’s the end of the line, pal.


[Reacher murders all of them through a series of elbow strikes and headbutts that make cracking and squishing sounds in a way that implies their insides have liquified. The Goon With A Neck Tattoo waits until Reacher is safely positioned behind the Liberty Bell before firing 150 bullets that strike nothing. Reacher then picks up the Liberty Bell and throws it over the goon’s head and kabongs it with the other goon’s chain so hard the goon just dies]

GUY WITH COOL HAIR: Nice work, boss.

ATTRACTIVE LADY COP: [makes sex eyes at Reacher]

NEAGLEY: [still holding rocket launcher]

[head goon’s phone rings, Reacher pulls it off his lifeless corpse and answers it]

BAD GUY: Is it done?

REACHER: No. But you’re about to be.

BAD GUY: Who is this? Where are my guys?

REACHER: Let’s just say they got their… bells rung.


A local cop who plays by the rules is mad at Reacher for his loose cannon shenanigans.

COP: Dammit Reacher, you murdered five goons at the Liberty Bell in broad daylight.


COP: We have laws! You can just kill everyone, dammit!

REACHER: I’m Reacher.

COP: [begrudgingly] Dammit, I don’t approve of your methods but… goddammit… I respect you. Just promise me you won’t murder anyone else, okay?


COP: Dammit.


Reacher and his team storm a facility where the Bad Guy is hiding weapons and/or counterfeit money and/or evidence that will reveal a much larger conspiracy. Reacher is wearing a mask even though he is the largest human being alive and can be recognized from space.

ATTRACTIVE LADY COP: [in ball gown for some reason] We need a warrant to get in there.

NEAGLEY: [on walkie-talkie from bushes] I think we can figure out a way.

REACHER: I’m Reacher.

[Reacher headbutts three security guards — heights ranging from 5’4-5’7 — and then picks up their golf cart and heaves it through the front entrance]

GUY WITH COOL HAIR: Classic Reacher.

[five black SUVs filled with goons show up, one has an actual pirate cannon mounted to the roof]

REACHER: You go in and get the evidence. I’ll hold them off.


GUY WITH COOL HAIR: There’s like 40 of them.

NEAGLEY: [in bushes with sniper rifle] I’ll cover you.

REACHER: I’m Reacher.

Quick flashback scene. Reacher is a teenager. His mom is in the hospital.

MOM: You’re a good boy, Reacher.

REACHER: [says nothing]

MOM: You know right from wrong.

REACHER: [continues saying nothing]

MOM: Just make me one promise before I die at an undetermined age after this brief hospital stay…

REACHER: What’s that?

MOM: Please don’t spend your whole life murdering goons.

REACHER: [eyes narrow]


Back to present day. Reacher has murdered all the goons at the facility. One of them is hanging from the flagpole by his neck. The team comes out and sees the carnage.

GUY WITH COOL HAIR: Wow. Someone was busy.

ATTRACTIVE LADY COP: [ball gown torn to mid-thigh] We got the evidence. They’ve been doing crimes.

NEAGLEY: We better get outta here.

[cell phone rings from a goon’s mangled vest, Reacher pulls it out along with a candy bar that was apparently in there too]

BAD GUY: Is it done?

REACHER: [bites into candy bar] I am going to murder you.

BAD GUY: I don’t think you know who you’re messing with, son.

REACHER: A dead man.

BAD GUY: We’ll see about that.

COP: [screeches up to the facility in like a 1997 Ford Taurus and sees $25 million in property damage and dozens of dead goons] Dammit!


Reacher is in his crappy motel room. The Attractive Lady Cop knocks on his door and comes in. She is holding two bottles of beer. Reacher has his shirt off. His shoulders look like if a regular-sized person was smuggling bowling balls.

ATTRACTIVE LADY COP: How are you doing, Reacher?

REACHER: I’m fine.

ATTRACTIVE LADY COP: You just don’t let anyone in, do you?

REACHER: I’m Reacher.

ATTRACTIVE LADY COP: [takes back the beer she just gave him, removes shirt]

REACHER: I’m your boss.

ATTRACTIVE LADY COP: Well, I think… just for tonight… you let someone else be in charge…

REACHER: [veins in neck raised like a mountain range on a topographical map]

[phone rings]


REACHER: [answers phone]

BAD GUY: Well well well, Mr. Reacher…

REACHER: I am going to murder you.