The Rundown: Screw It, Let’s Watch A Bunch Of News Bloopers

The Rundown is a weekly column that highlights some of the biggest, weirdest, and most notable events of the week in entertainment. The number of items could vary, as could the subject matter. It will not always make a ton of sense. Some items might not even be about entertainment, to be honest, or from this week. The important thing is that it’s Friday, and we are here to have some fun.

ITEM NUMBER ONE — We’ll get through this, one giggly reporter at a time

I don’t know, people. These are weird times. Profoundly weird, in a way that can be daunting to try to wrap your head around. It’s not a lot of fun. A lot of people — me, other websites, strangers on social media — are trying to help you fill your quarantine time with television shows and movies they recommend. I’m still annoyed you’re not all watching Zoo. It’s a perfect show, in general, and a perfect escape for this exact moment. Uggghhh, I’m mad again now. This will not do.

But I get it. Maybe you don’t even have that in you right now. Maybe you’re too scattered and fried to even commit to the narrative structure of a series or a movie. Maybe you need something even simpler, even stupider, to provide hyper-targeted mindless laughs in 15-20 second bursts. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news for you, if this describes you: YouTube exists and it is stuffed to its gills with news bloopers.

I love news bloopers so much. There’s something so cathartic about them, about seeing what should be a serious exercise devolve into chaos. An anchor has the giggles? Yes, please. Someone brought a cat on set for no good reason and the cat doesn’t want to be there? Gimme. A reporter is trying to do a live hit from the street and a truck drives by and splashes them with water? Hell yeah. I love them all. I’ve lost hours of my life to them. I’ll lose hours more before I go. You could make an argument that they’re the purest, most concentrated form of comedy there is. Like, yes, the full multi-season run of Parks and Recreation is a remarkable comedic feat. Is it funnier than, say, this clip?

No. No, it is not. I apologize to Michael Schur and everyone involved with the making of the show, but I think they get it. It’s just not a fair fight, like if there were a heavyweight boxing match where one fighter had an anvil for a hand.

And so, with that in mind, let’s watch some damn news bloopers. I’ll drop in a few of my favorites here, but please do poke around YouTube to find your own. There are so many, often in compilation form. Dive way in. Just let them rip. You have the time this weekend. Here, I’ll get you started with an absolute legend.

This will never not destroy me. The way the little girl comes marching in at the beginning. And then it’s just anarchy. The best.

And then there’s this one, which starts out very sad and then takes a hairpin left into dada comedy that no one could top if they tried for 1000 years.

Or how about this Hall of Famer?

This one is not really a “blooper” as much as is it “an actual decision made by a television professional that is confounding and deeply hilarious,” but I’ll allow it.

Oh, we got some giggling, too. Lots of giggling.

You like those Herb Welch SNL sketches where Bill Hader plays a cranky older reporter who has a visible hatred of the anchor in the studio? Me too. Let’s watch the real clip that inspired them.

You want animal bloopers. Boom.

There are so many more. I’m stopping here just because I had to stop somewhere or I’d still be rounding them up on Monday morning after not sleeping all weekend. That won’t work. I need some rest. But you can keep the investigation going. Watch news bloopers. Escape into silliness for an hour. And no matter what happens in the next few weeks, please — please — remember to this inspirational message from Ernie Anastos.

ITEM NUMBER TWO — Thank you, Werner

It is my great pleasure to inform you that David Marchese of the New York Times (one of our greatest living interviewers) sat down with Werner Herzog (one of our greatest living interviewees) this week. Their conversation is quite a ride. Herzog comes across as self-aware that he lives this weird dual existence, where he’s an artist and filmmaker who produces inventive and captivating work that is unlike anything anyone else is making but he’s also a beloved figure online for just saying the wildest stuff you’ve ever heard. Go look up a bunch of Werner Herzog quotes stripped of their context. I’m not joking. Go do it now. They’re incredible. Just promise you’ll come back so we can talk about these new ones.

Okay, welcome back. Herzog is famous for his view of nature as cruel and unforgiving, so that’s the context for this question and answer, which is really just classic Herzog in a way that made me start giggling like a crazy person when I read it.

Is anything cute to you? Have you ever seen a dog and thought, That’s a cute dog?

No. I would assign a dog a different word.

And here he is discussing the time he was shot while filming a documentary.

Did you ever find out who shot you?

I was shot at various times. You mean here in Los Angeles?

Yes.

No, I wasn’t interested.

“I was shot at various times” is such a tremendous answer to that question. Herzog does that sort of thing throughout, and in most of his interviews, where you can see the interviewer trying to wrangle control of the interview for a moment or two only to have Werner grab it and go running off in some weird direction. It’s basically a Bugs Bunny cartoon but now Bugs Bunny is an aging German filmmaker who describes the universe as “monumentally indifferent.”

Hey, speaking of cartoons…

You’ve acted in some big pop-culture projects like “Jack Reacher” and “The Mandalorian,” but you basically rarely intersect with the mainstream. How do you see your relationship to Hollywood?

I enjoy being marginally involved. Just a few days ago, I did some voice recording for a “Simpsons” episode, and I did it in such a wild way. So wild that the director and some people who sat with me in the room burst out laughing before I ended my line. I had to be relegated into the control room, because twice in a row they started laughing. I said, “Gentlemen, I have not even finished my line yet.” In a way, “The Simpsons” is a bold intellectual design.

In what way?

Let’s not analyze it.

Perfect. Please go read the entire interview. It is a blast.

ITEM NUMBER THREE — BOOK CHAT

Hey, maybe you’re sick of looking at your damn laptop and television. Maybe you’ve spent too much time this week sitting around your house watching the shows people have recommended or the news bloopers I just recommended. Maybe you want to shut it all down and put on your headphones and crack open a book. I get that. I just did it on Tuesday. I blasted calming music in my headphones and I read a Carl Hiaasen novel for two hours. I love a good Carl Hiaasen novel. They’re all about crimes in Florida and idiot criminals and sometimes a character’s backstory will involve their parents passing away in a plane crash that involved them letting a circus bear sit in the co-pilot seat. It is exactly the kind of goofball escapism I needed in the moment.

And so, I thought, why not toss out a few other book recommendations, if you’re in the same place. None of these are heavy and bleak. These are mostly just a good time.

The Right Stuff by Tom Wolfe — This is my favorite book and the one I recommend any time someone says “Hey, what book do you recommend?” Tom Wolfe is a hoot to read on almost anything, but especially on the history of the space program, and especially on Chuck Yeager, legendary pilot and certified badass. It’s informative and funny and you can fly through it in a couple days if you want. That’s how I did it at first, but now I re-read it every now and then at a slower pace to really enjoy it. I also recommend the audiobook, read by Dennis Quaid, who really gets into it in a cool way.

The Stench of Honolulu by Jack Handey — Jack Handey is the funniest dude around so it is no surprise that a novel by him is packed with laughs on every page. I read this book in one day on a beach a few years ago. It was pretty much ideal. I also recommend digging through his archive at The New Yorker, if only to read the piece titled “What I’d Say to the Martians,” which contains maybe the funniest single sentence I’ve ever read: “I came here in peace, seeking gold and slaves.” Dark as midnight, sure, but very funny.

Life by Keith Richards — A few hundreds of pages of Keith Richards telling stories and talking wild shit about Mick Jagger. I’m not usually a big memoir person, but if anyone has ever lived a life worth committing to paper, it’s Keith Richards.

The Murder of Roger Ackroyd by Agatha Christie — Did you watch Knives Out? Did you like it? I hope the answer to both of these is “Yes, duh” because Knives Out is awesome. Agatha Christie was pretty awesome, too. You could dive into any of her mysteries, really, but this one is my favorite. Do not, under any circumstances, Google the ending before you get to it. Don’t do it!

Beastie Boys Book — Another one I own in hard copy and audiobook, with each providing a different layer of enjoyment. They’re both filled with great stories and peeks behind the curtain, with the physical book including pictures and art that adds a cool visual touch to it, and the audiobook adding different voices, literally, with celebrity fans and friends reading a big chunk of the chapters. The only downside to it all is that it makes me real, real sad about Adam Yauch passing away so young. This is more of a tribute, though, like a funny eulogy in places. And, as I say every time I mention it, you must listen to the chapter read by Rosie Perez. It’s how all audiobooks should sound.

That’s a good start. No real deep cuts there, but they don’t all have to be deep cuts. Sometimes you just want to play the hits, you know? Or just ignore all my recommendations and read a dozen Elmore Leonard books, which, joke’s on you, I just recommended. Thought you were pretty slick there, huh?

ITEM NUMBER FOUR — Annie Murphy rules

I hope you watch Schitt’s Creek. It is a very funny show that is also warm and full of heart. Annie Murphy plays Alexis Rose, the socialite daughter of a once-wealthy family that has to move into a motel in a small town the family bought as a joke. She’s great in the role. Uproxx’s Jessica Toomer spoke to her earlier this week about one of the show’s most memorable moments: her performance of “A Little Bit Alexis,” the theme song to the Hilton-Kardashian-style reality show her character starred in back in the early-ish aughts. It is a fun interview full of behind the scenes information and also this anecdote, which I absolutely adore.

I was actually in New York at the beginning of the year, and I was meeting a friend at a drag bar. I was early, sitting there by myself, having a drink, and one of the drag queens comes up to me and she’s like, “Just want to let you know, I’m about to do a DJ set, and in the DJ set I play ‘A Little Bit Alexis,’ and then it goes right into, ‘Work Bitch.’”

And I thought she was going to be like, “So if you don’t want me to do that, if it would make you uncomfortable, just let me know.” But she was like, “So I will be doing that for sure, I just wanted to let you know in case you wanted to leave.” She did the set, and “A Little Bit Alexis” came on and every single person in the bar was singing the lyrics. And it just so happened that my friend arrived at this exact time.

That has either got to be very cool or absolutely horrifying, and it depends entirely on your personality. I would probably try to dig a hole in the floor of the drag bar and plan to live in there forever. Annie Murphy seems to have handled it better. Big shoutout to the drag queen in this story.

ITEM NUMBER FIVE — This… this is actually pretty helpful

The greatest and most terrible idea I’ve ever had is a GPS narrated by Tracy Morgan. I picture it going on a completely unrelated rant as your trying to get to your sister-in-law’s house for dinner, then announcing “Oh man, you are LOST” and turning itself off. I bring this up now for two reasons:

• I like bringing it up
• HBO released another guided meditation by JB Smoove, in character as Leon from Curb Your Enthusiasm

It’s mostly played as a joke, with all its talk about rectums and such, but… it actually is kind of nice. Something about him saying “Let yourself fall the fuck away…” actually helped me do that for a second. It’s a weird month we’re having. I don’t have to explain myself to any of you, okay?

READER MAIL

If you have questions about television, movies, food, local news, weather, or whatever you want, shoot them to me on Twitter or at brian.grubb@uproxx.com (put “RUNDOWN” in the subject line). I am the first writer to ever answer reader mail in a column. Do not look up this last part.

From Derek:

A few weeks ago I got an email from a person named Tom Baggs and something about it has made me laugh ever since. Good old Tommy Baggs. I blame you and your continued devotion to funny fake names. Do you have any good new ones to pass along? I saw you drop “Rich Suspicious” this week and now I’m itching for some more.

Derek, thank you for this email, both for introducing me to Tommy Baggs and for giving me an excuse to rattle off a few fake names that have been in my head lately.

FOR MEN
Randy Seasons
Demetrius Flupp
Tito Nefarious
Quibi Pacific
Elmo Beretta

FOR WOMEN
Cookie Lancelot
Dina Argentina
Wendy Magnets
Janice Houseplant
Veronica Swords

Randy Seasons and Cookie Lancelot are, in my mind, a detective team with extreme “will they or won’t they” energy. Tito Nefarious is the crime boss they’re chasing. Quibi Pacific is an informant who owns a local nightclub. Elmo Beretta and Dina Argentina are two goons on the payrolls. Janice Houseplant is… I don’t know… the mayor? Still a few kinks to work out. Getting close, though.

AND NOW, THE NEWS

To… the internet!

You probably saw this if you were on Twitter for even 10 seconds yesterday. It’s great. A writer named Sage Boggs dug into the mystery of why Triscuits are called Triscuits. You have to click that tweet to read his whole thread. It takes twists and turns and involves contacting Nabisco…

… before it reaches its dramatic conclusion, via an old advertisement that Boggs unearthed after no small amount of sleuthing. I cannot possibly convey to any of you how much I love this. I simply do not have the words. Again, please read the whole thing, but do note this. Note it as hard as you can.

It’s beautiful. And the best part — okay, the second-best part, behind “baked with electricity” — is that Triscuits themselves didn’t know at first and eventually confirmed it.

This is a good lesson for all of us. You can sit there and say “Hmm, I wonder why they’re called Triscuits…” and then go along with your day, or you can crack your knuckles and find the heck out. Or, I suppose, you could sit around and wait for someone like Sage to figure it out. That might be the best option, actually. I’m sure you have lots of other stuff going on.