The next few weeks are loaded with important pop culture goings-on. Game of Thrones returns for its final season on the 14th. Avengers: Endgame premieres on the 25th to put a bow on this iteration of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And in between those two dates, on April 19, we have the biggest event of all: the season six premiere of Bosch on Amazon.
Hmm, I see you didn’t have the same reaction to that last one. Maybe it’s just me on that island. I really do love Bosch. Either way. Not the point. The point is that, in addition to all of that, someone is also going to open a sarcophagus on live television this weekend and we’re all just going about our lives like it’s not a big deal. It’s nuts to me. They are going to open a sarcophagus! On live television! Here, look:
The [Discovery] two-hour special is called “Expedition Unknown: Egypt Live,” and it takes place in a less-visited part of the country where new, exciting finds are coming to light. [Archaeologist Josh] Gates says they offer a glimpse of the “late period” in Egyptian history, around 600 BCE.
“A few years ago, [archaeologists] started making some really significant discoveries here: a series of burial shafts leading down to a network of chambers and tunnels,” Gates says. “There’s a lot of folks buried down in these chambers. A lot of noble elite, high priests, things like that. So it’s a fascinating place to get a snapshot of this … period of Egyptian history.”
Yes, fine, great. Sounds wonderful. I guess. But, putting aside the issue of whether we should do it at all… think about this for a second. Think about it! Do you understand? Have you seen a single Brendan Fraser movie? Basically any one of them? I’m fascinated and flabbergasted. How are we not talking about this more? How is this not the only thing we’re talking about?
This is the time to talk about it, too, when we don’t know what’s inside it and anything is possible. Once they open it, the fun is gone. We’ll know. It’ll probably just be some bones. But today? Right now? There could be anything in there. They could pop the lid off and open a portal to another dimension. You don’t know, you know? And it’ll happen on live television. It’s like the time Geraldo opened “Al Capone’s vault” on live television and it turned out to be a big dumb empty room and we somehow let Geraldo keep going on television for another 30 years and counting. That’s what it’s like. But with a sarcophagus. And no Geraldo. They should invite Geraldo. That would be great. Invite Geraldo to the sarcophagus opening, you cowards!
Here where it really gets fun. After a normal, very reasonable amount of thought (days, non-stop, almost drove into the median because I was daydreaming about it), I realized you can boil down the infinite number of possibilities here to three simple things. These are the only answers we could get. I can’t decide which I like most. Maybe you can help. Let’s talk about the sarcophagus.
POSSIBILITY NUMBER ONE
There’s a mummy in the sarcophagus. This is the most obvious and boring answer but also kind of funny because, like, they’re not going to recognize whoever it is by appearance alone. They’re not going to kick it open and be like “Oh my God… it’s Dave!” It’s just going to be some old bones and they’re gonna devote two hours of hype to it and at the end they’re all going to look at each other like, “Yup, definitely some bones. Great work, team.” Imagine watching this whole special on a Sunday night, and that’s the payoff. Imagine explaining it to the people you work with. They’ll be so bored.
Unless! This is where the unknown of it all comes in. We could have a Tomb Raider situation on our hands. Opening the sarcophagus could trigger a series of dangerous booby traps, or awaken a demon from its multi-century slumber. Or the mummy could be alive. We have no way to know until we check. This is a Schrodinger’s Mummy situation, people. Now that would be some exciting television. They open the sarcophagus and it kicks off a frantic 10-minute escape attempt with rocks crumbling around them and a howling ghost hot on their tail.
This is another reason to invite Geraldo, by the way. Just in case that happens. Think about it, guys.
POSSIBILITY NUMBER TWO
There is something other than a mummy in the sarcophagus. Anything. Anything you can think of that is not a mummified pile of old bones. The aforementioned portal to another dimension, a fully-functioning LEGO city, a live dog, really let your mind wander free on this one. I put a normal, reasonable amount of thought into this part of it too (muttering to myself inside a Target, staying awake in bed running through the possibilities instead of sleeping), and the best case scenario here is a single, unmarked flash drive. Picture that. Picture them opening the sarcophagus and finding a flash drive sitting in there, all alone, with no sign that anything else had ever been in there.
It would raise so many questions! How did it get in there? Was it… always in there? Did the ancient Egyptians have more technology than we thought? Or is something nefarious going on? And then it raises a follow-up question: What is on that flash drive?! God, the curiosity would kill me. I would watch a second two-hour special on the sarcophagus flash drive. What if they plug it into a laptop and there’s a treasure map on it? What if the laptop explodes and leaves behind a ring of dust that spells out “Never again” in cursive letters? Again, until they open this thing up and there’s not a mysterious, possibly haunted flash drive in there, you can’t prove to me that this is impossible.
Let me have this. Just for a few days.
POSSIBILITY NUMBER THREE
The sarcophagus is completely empty. See, you think this would be a disappointment, but consider this: What had been in there? And where did it go? Did the ancient Egyptians bury an empty sarcophagus just to troll scientists thousands of years in the future? Did someone already open it and make off with the contents? Did whatever was in there’s… escape? This might be my favorite one, now that I think about it, in part because of all these questions and in part because everyone involved would be so spectacularly bummed out. A whole two-hour special to reveal the contents of a sarcophagus and then, tada, bupkis. It would be perfect.
It’s also another reason to invite Geraldo. He might tear his mustache out if this happened to him again. I really don’t see how we can pass up an opportunity like this. Especially after the last couple years we’ve had. We deserve it. We’ve earned it. You know what? Let’s just let Geraldo open the sarcophagus himself.
Anyway, again, the amount of fun here will drop from infinity to zero the instant they open this sarcophagus and find your standard bones, so please do treat yourself now. It’s like buying a lottery ticket. You know you’re probably not going to win, but that’s barely the point. The point is the wild, almost reckless daydreaming you get to do between buying the ticket and finding out that, of course, you lost. Enjoy this. You never know when someone will open a sarcophagus on live television again.
