After months of falsely sounding the alarm that the 2020 presidential election was “stolen,” and that total loser Donald Trump was the real winner, karma has finally caught up with fellow loser Rudy Giuliani. On Thursday, the Appellate Division of the New York Supreme Court temporarily suspended Rudy Giuliani’s law license. And few people seemed more excited about this development than Stephen Colbert.
On Thursday night, Colbert used Rudy’s professional problems to try out some pretty choice descriptions of the man formerly known as “America’s Mayor” who once (knowingly) married his own cousin. Among them? “The paparazzi shot of Dorian Gray,” “a goblin who ate your teeth,” and (our personal favorite) a “big toe with dentures.” The Late Show host got even more poetic when describing the actions that led to Rudy’s momentous downfall. While reminding viewers of the infamous Four Seasons Total Landscaping Debacle (as if anyone could forget), Colbert described the actions that led to his disbarment as Rudy attempting to “screw American democracy. And that’s not a metaphor, because he did it next to a sex shop. Well, now, ladies and gentlemen, the dildos have come home to roost.”
This news was met with an enthusiastic enough response that even Colbert seemed surprised. Fortunately, he wasn’t done yet:
“This is a dramatic fall from grace. In the city he was famously mayor of, Rudy Giuliani can no longer practice law. And if the last year has proven anything it’s that when it comes to law, Rudy needs a lot of practice. Giuliani was America’s mayor. Before that, he was the crusading federal prosecutor who busted up La Cosa Nostra. Now he’s lost his career—how’s he going to eat? And, more likely, drink? Well, if he needs cash, he can always sell the fracking rights to his skull.”
But Rudy wasn’t the only Giuliani Colbert wanted to have a little fun with. Because Andrew Giuliani’s poorly framed video defense of his dear ol’ dad seemed to suggest that the dumbest apples never fall too far from the tree.
You can watch the full clip above, beginning at the 1:20 mark.