TV

The ‘Succession’ Seven: Boar On The Floor And Oink For Your Sausages


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The Succession Seven is a weekly power ranking of people and things on television’s most power-obsessed show. The rankings are not scientific, not even a little, and could fluctuate wildly from week to week. It’s all very subjective. And it’s my list. So, there.

UNRANKED

Karl — Karl is a delight, a slick weasel who has survived and thrived in a family business he has no blood in, a Yes Man extraordinaire who will happily let others fall on their swords. All hail our spineless champion.

Frank — Welcome back, Frank, you fucking creep.

Sam the Ratfucker — Sam is up to something. If he’s as good at his job as Tom claims, he would have sniffed out My Sweet Boy Cousin Greg’s email at once. I suspect Sam is playing a long game. I do not like it.

Dumb Chris — Credit to Shiv for not rolling her eyes so far back into her head that she was staring at her own brain when Dumb Sexy Chris said the real news these days comes from comedians.

Connor — I hate every single thing Connor stands for and I love him more and more every week. I shall hyper-decant some wine this evening and try to make peace with this.

7B. Roman (Last week: 7A)

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We have been referring to Roman as a child for a while now, partially tongue-in-cheek but partially very much for real, but he took it to new heights this week with the “Gerri, help me with my buttons” thing at the end. He really, truly is an 8-year-old boy, the constantly bullied baby who wants to be respected and taken seriously more than anything in the world but can’t get out of his own way even for a second. He’ll claim that his move with Naomi Pierce was strategic and a way to kneecap Kendall, but come on. He just wants one “Good job, son” from Logan. He’ll probably explode like his rocket if he ever gets it.

Put it this way: It’s never a good sign when you have to say the phrase “I’m not a moron” in front of a room full of people. The battle has already been lost at that point. He does have a good point about milk, though. Kittens and perverts, man.

7A. Gerri (Last week: Unranked)

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Gerri is like Karl if Karl had the tiny sliver of a backbone. She’s the most competent and reasonable person on the show and it’s not a particularly close race. We like her. Gerri rules.

6. Tom (Last week: 7B)

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Not a great week on paper for Tom. Some highlights, or lowlights if we want to be more accurate:

– Sent on a suicide mission by Shiv to kill the Pierce deal
– Bullied by Gerri and Carl into pushing it at dinner
– Absolutely roasted by Logan, who referred to Tom’s “fragile ego” and told him to shut up and produce a grandson
– Forced to fight Karl over a sausage while oinking like a pig, which is one of the most humiliating and sad displays I’ve ever seen on television

But! He didn’t rat out Greg for talking to the writer working on the biography of Logan. That counts for something. Tom showed loyalty to someone other than himself and Shiv. It’s progress, kind of, or at least whatever progress-adjacent term we use for personal growth that comes while acting like a hungry piggy on the floor of a castle while your coworkers and in-laws mock you via group chant. Someone grab the thesaurus.

5. Michelle Pantsil (Last week: Unranked)

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A few notes about Michelle Pantsil, biographer:

– She enters the top seven this week in her debut appearance in large part for her ability to send Logan into a freaking maniacal tailspin simply by existing. Will it all end well for her and this book of hers? Probably not. Logan tends to win, and will sacrifice money and bodies and morals to do so. Still, strong start.

– She should not have tricked Greg. He’s a nice boy.

– Please do not for one second overlook the fact that the writer on this show has the last name “Pantsil,” pronounced “pencil.” This show is always a gift.

We will be keeping an eye on her.

4. Logan (Last week: 4)

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It has been the policy of this column, through the first two episodes, to post a screenshot of Logan saying “Fuck off” to someone in this space with no accompanying text. That policy must be broken this week. The Boar on the Floor situation requires it. That was ugly and gross and a vivid example of why everyone is so terrified of this guy all the time. He had two high-ranking executives oinking like pigs on a floor. He almost made Ray piss in a bucket. He is a monster and a bully and a force of nature.

He’s also a master of wildlife metaphors. This week alone he described people or situations using the following: fleas, snakes, rats, termites. There were more. This list is not exhaustive. We can go through with a closer eye at some point to make it more comprehensive but we can’t be expected to remember everything when the man is burning a phrase like “as choreographed as a dog getting fucked on roller skates” into our brains.

3. Kendall (Last week: 6)

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Techno Gatsby continues to be a soulless killing machine, a Terminator out to follow orders from Logan, a dead-eyed android who will steal his brother’s phone and put him in a headlock to trigger the Face ID, a rat and a snake with nostril full of park cocaine. He’s broken in ways that probably can’t be fixed. It’s a flaw in these rankings that he comes in third despite being a shell of a person. In fact, it’s a flaw in these rankings that anyone but Logan lands at number one because, if we’re truly assessing power, you really can’t top the guy who can force people to wrestle for cylindrical meat products out of fear. But hey, what are you gonna do, you know?

2. Shiv (Last week: 2)

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Up and down week for Shiv. Down because she was not invited to the corporate retreat even though Greg was, which is hilarious. Down because she was sent on a mission to control Connor and failed to prevent him from posting his video. Down because, come on, you saw Tom’s eyes when he came home and realized he’d been literally and figuratively cuckolded in the same week.

But also up because the episode ended with Logan saying it was time to “bring her in.” It’s happening for her. It’s all happening. Everything is going to heck around her and Logan is getting a little “peppery,” to quote Tom, but it’s what she wants, soooo…

This will not end well for her either, though. That needs to be noted for the record. Something will go sideways, possibly soon. Nothing ever goes smoothly on this show. It’s why the show is good.

1. My Sweet Boy Cousin Greg (Last week: 1)

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Got to go on a private plane. Didn’t fight over the sausage with Tom and Carl. Didn’t get ratted out about speaking to Michelle Pantsil. Not a perfect week, sure. A few things could have gone better. But the king stays the king.

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